Lea Wildersen

Reaction To The Results

2012-02-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

Let me back up a bit to before I found out exactly what DEHP was all about. Back to when Evan first explained the test results to me.

My first reaction was sheer anger. I was incensed at RAMJAC, not only for exposing me to whatever this was but also for participating in some kind of organized cover-up. This document proved that the one I received was a forgery, falsified so I'd be in the dark about the toxic spill. However mixed in with that was a feeling of panic. What had I been exposed to? Was I at any health risk? And did this have anything to do with my transformation (although I'm sure now that it did)?

Evan had all of the same feelings, but his biggest concern was for my health. He immediately insisted that I see a doctor to get tested for exposure to DEHP. I feel bad about it now but I snapped at him, telling him, "You don't get to insist anything about this. It's my body and I'll decide what I need to do." It was a reflex reaction that, no doubt, was due to already being in a state of outrage over the whole thing. Also I know that part of it was because I knew I couldn't go to a doctor since "Lea" doesn't really exist and has no health coverage. But I'm sure that some of my reaction was left over hurt at the fact that Evan knew about the spill a while back and didn't tell me.

Seeing the wounded look on his face, it was as if I'd slapped him. "I'm sorry, Lea. You're absolutely right. I'm not trying to make any decisions for you. I just think you need to know if your health is in any risk."

I felt guilty at hurting him, but still had my back up so I stood my ground. "I feel fine. I'll get checked out when I have a chance. But right now, my only concern is these fuckers at RAMJAC. A spill is one thing, but they launched an active campaign to cover it up. And it seems like they're directing it against me. They need to be called out on this. I don't care how big they are. They need to be held accountable!"

Josh jumped in at this point, backing me up, "Yeah, we have some evidence now of what's happened. We just need to keep digging. We can get these guys."

"OK, I understand," Josh said. "I'll let this go for now. But I'm not going to let it go forever. I hope that it doesn't upset you, but I care about your welfare and I want to make sure you're alright. But I'll drop it for now."

"Sorry, Evan. I didn't mean to snap at you, but this whole thing is frustrating and confusing, to say the absolute least. I'm just not ready to deal with health issues right now." Then another thing occurred to me, "Plus we haven't even considered that we got this information illegally. Visiting a doctor requires explanations. What am I going to tell them when they ask why I want to be tested? I'm sure that a toxic spill would have to be reported in some way. And to be honest, I'm not ready to have this reported. If RAMJAC is approached about it by some environmental agency or whomever, we risk losing our access and our advantage. I just can't risk having anything documented at this point."

Finally -- Some Answers

2012-02-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

It took some digging and tracing but, at last yesterday, I got some answers!!

Having Dobbs's ID gave us much more access than we'd had before. After some general scans, Josh was able to find Gamble's folders on the network at RAMJAC. There was really nothing of interest in there. However once he found that, he was able to audit the activity on the files in that folder which gave him the name and IP address of Gamble's workstation. From there, it was an easy thing to pull Gamble's password off his computer, which then gave us not only access to Gamble's computer, but also anything on the network that he had access to.

With Evan's help, we were able to track down and access the thing we were most interested in -- the sealed and confidential environmental assessment that was done on my property. It was all technical without the written summary like on the version I got, so it meant absolutely nothing to me. Evan started to pore through the 30-page document as soon as we found it. I was just watching him for some kind of reaction. About two-thirds of the way through it, I got that reaction, as I saw all of the blood drain out of Evan's face. I asked him what it was. He stammered a bit and asked me to wait until he'd read the whole report.

Once he'd finished going through it, he paused and took a deep breath. In the brief minute or two that it took him to read the rest of the report, I had become almost hysterical with worry. And before Evan started speaking, it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at him to tell me what he saw.

Then Evan started explaining what the report had to say. All of the tests in this version were within acceptable levels just as in the one I'd received originally. However there was one major exception -- the tests on my water turned up something. There was an organic compound called Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate which had levels that were almost 40 times higher than the levels normally considered toxic!

Later last night after Evan had left, I researched more about DEHP (as it's normally abbreviated to). Below is a Wikipedia link with more details. It's generally used in making many plastics, which makes sense since it's RAMJAC, but here's the most important part: It's known to be a xenoestrogen, which means it's a chemical that imitates estrogen. And as you can see from this Wiki page, it's been linked to having feminizing effects in people and animals!!

Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (DEHP)

As soon as I saw this, my legs went weak. My head was swimming and it felt like the world was tilting around me. I thought I might throw up or possibly pass out. But I steadied myself against the desk and let the feelings slowly pass. This had to be what caused my transformation into a woman! It all made sense now. I know that I originally thought that maybe this was a possibility when I found those articles online, which was why I got the environmental survey in the first place. But part of me always thought that it was a bit of a long-shot. But here it was, proof that I had been exposed to something. And that something had proven feminizing effects.

RAMJAC's toxic spill somehow did this to me. Since my house is in a rural area, I'm not on the municipal water system. I have well water at my place. There's a filtration system in place, but obviously it's not going to catch everything. Whatever kind of leak RAMJAC had must have gotten into the ground water and made it's way to my property. Who knows how long I'd been exposed to it or how bad the exposure was.

Fortunately though, I didn't find out about the feminizing effects of DEHP until after Evan left. I'm sure that my reaction would have given away that something more was going on with me. I'll write about his reaction and our discussion later. Right now, my mind is swimming.

At this point, I'm still at a loss as to what to do next. Who can I contact, if anyone? Is there anything I should do? Is my health at more risk?

Social Engineering

2012-02-28T13:54:00.001-05:00

Josh's next idea to get access to RAMJAC's network was to take a less technical route. With a company of RAMJAC's size, everyone certainly wouldn't know everyone in the organization, even at just one location. That made using a social engineering approach to talk his way in that much easier.

Here's how it worked: We basically needed to impersonate another employee and use their credentials to access what we wanted. Since we already had access to some employee information, we were able to use it to find just the right person to masquerade as. We found another VP of Research and Development named Walter Dobbs. He was perfect for this for two reasons -- one, since he had a similar role in the company, he would likely have access to the same things as Gamble, and two, Dobbs was away on vacation this week.

So yesterday, Josh waited until late in the evening when the after-hours help desk support (rather than the normal daytime crew) would be on staff. He then called the help desk, using a number we also found on their network, and posed as Dobbs. He told them who he was (including his position of VP) and complained to them that his network access was no longer working. It was really quite a performance that he put on, acting all annoyed and blustery. He was on the phone with the help desk tech for probably 20 minutes "unsuccessfully testing his connection". By the end of it though, Josh had managed to get from the help desk tech the direct VPN connection and credentials (so he wouldn't need to go through Evan's company any more) as well as having them reset Dobbs's network password so that Josh now had it. After hanging up, Josh smiled at me saying, "It's so much easier when they just give you access."

We'll starting digging deeper now.

Getting In

2012-02-27T14:14:00.001-05:00

Over the weekend, we started on our plan to get access to RAMJAC. The first thing Josh did was to do a thorough inspection and scan of all of his own systems. Given that I had that spyware on my computers, he was right to be cautious about it just in case. Luckily though, his systems were all clean.

I'd invited Evan over to Josh's place so that Josh could get whatever information he needed. On the phone, Evan asked a few questions about Josh and I got a sense of where it was leading. Before it became an issue though, I thought I'd put a stop to it, saying, "Evan, Josh is just a friend. Trust me, there'd never be anything between him and me. I'm only staying at his place since I don't trust my house." He backpedaled a bit after that, but I knew we wasn't too bent out of shape, more just trying to get a sense of Josh and my relationship.

As for Josh's take on Evan visiting, he didn't say much about it, but he didn't seem tense or upset at all. When Evan showed up, I leaned in reflexively and gave him a quick kiss, but instantly felt awkward since Josh was right there with me at the door. I glanced over and saw that Josh was averting his eyes somewhat, so he was apparently uncomfortable with the situation as well. After the introductions and small talk was made, we decided to get to work.

Firstly Josh got the VPN connection settings at Evan's firm to get him onto the network. There wasn't any concern about using Evan's credentials at this stage since Evan's office is a small one with a meager I.T. department and budget. Therefore, little risk in being caught by any kind of intrusion detection systems.

After that came the trickier part which was getting access to the parent company, RAMJAC. Evan knew that there was definitely connectivity between the two companies, but he neither had access nor needed it. So this is where Josh's experience came into play. His view of Internet security is that the weakest link is always people, so he generally starts with the assumption that someone has done something wrong or has forgotten to do something. It's usually quickest to look for some common user error.

When companies release hardware and software, they generally come with built-in vendor-supplied backdoor or administrator passwords. Often through unintentional negligence, these factory-default passwords aren't changed by the I.T. department once installed. Although this obviously isn't a secure practice, most of the time it might not be a concern. Of course, anyone with access to a list of these kinds of passwords (as Josh does) can potentially gain access. Fortunately for us, this turned out to be the case on the RAMJAC firewall that provided connectivity to Evan's company. And with that, Josh was on their network.

However once he was in, it was difficult to know where to go from there. RAMJAC's network is large and expansive, not to mention the fact that Josh certainly didn't have an all-access pass even though he was on the network. We decided to try to start with the one name which we knew had some involvement in this. It was the name on the forwarded emails which Evan's supervisor showed him -- the person that reported the potential leak and asked for the samples to be sent back to RAMJAC -- Richard Gamble. According to the signature on his email, he was a VP of Research and Development. After about an hour of searching, we were at least able to track down a segment of the network and folder structure that seemed to belong to him. However we couldn't get access to the contents no matter what Josh tried. He just didn't have the clearance with the ID he was using.

After that, we did more of a general search to see what we did have access to, so we could see if there was anything useful to us. We were able to get into some common areas that had some non-confidential employee information and more generic operational information, but that was about it. With this though, Josh had an idea. Of course, we'd been at it for several hours by this time, so we decided to start fresh another day.

I'll post more once we've tried Josh's plan.

More About RAMJAC

2012-02-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

I'm just getting around to posting this but Evan and I talked about RAMJAC that night as well. Since it was unusual that the file had been marked confidential, it turns out that he had decided to do some digging on his side as well.

Evan went back to his supervisor Carl to see if he had any more details. Carl was able to dig up the original requisition for the environmental assessment. Normally if the work was referred from another firm, it would be flagged as such. However this request was marked as having come directly from the customer -- Lea Wildersen. Obviously this request wasn't made by me to Evan's firm, so was someone posing as me to make the appointment? Or was the order request forged entirely? This was very disturbing to say the least. I filled Evan in with regards to my appointment being cancelled at the other firm without my knowledge. This news unsettled him more than he'd already been. It also turned out that the request at Evan's firm was made the day after my other appointment was cancelled on me. That's too much of a coincidence!

Carl and Evan are on friendly terms, so he was comfortable with showing Evan a couple of emails he'd received. The first one was forwarded to Carl from one of the partners of their firm and came from a contact within RAMJAC. The email explained that there was a potential spill at the RAMJAC facility near my house. It was thought to be contained and that there was no risk to the public but this was a warning in case any reports of issues came to Evan's firm. It wasn't specified what the leak actually was though. The date on the original email from RAMJAC was the same date that the appointment was supposedly made by me with Evan's firm. Again, too coincidental. The email also said to keep the spill confidential to avoid it going public, since it was already thought to be contained. This was why Carl hadn't originally mentioned it to Evan before.

The second email (again forwarded through the same partner from the contact at RAMJAC) requested that the samples that were taken from my house should be sent back to RAMJAC so that the analysis could be handled internally. Apparently that, in itself, wasn't completely unheard of. However along with everything else, it just seemed to add to the load of circumstantial evidence pointing toward something more.

Between Evan's information and mine, we both agreed that it all lead to something that was, at best, confusing and unusual and, at worst, sinister. After we compared notes on this, I brought up Josh's plan to hack into RAMJAC to do some investigating of our own. At first, Evan was against it, worried about the legal risk to all of us. However I only had to review again what we had already discussed to remind him of the potential risk to the environment... and the potential health risk to me as well. He was convinced.

Now we just need to get together to formulate a plan.

Talk With Evan

2012-02-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

I wanted my first talk with Evan to be face-to-face rather than over the phone, so I showed up at his place unannounced. Luckily he was home. After his initial surprise at seeing me at his door, I could see the gladness on his face. However that was somewhat overshadowed by his apparent nervousness, not knowing what I might say.

I was the first one to speak, "Can I come in?"

"Of course, Lea," he said ushering me inside.

Once we were in his living room, I started, "It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say to you. First, I know we haven't really talked yet about where our relationship is going, but let me tell you now: I have very strong feelings for you. I feel very close to you and I hope that you feel the same. But when you told me that you'd been keeping that secret from me, it really hurt me. I felt foolish for putting a level of trust in you that I thought wasn't really there."

I could see that Evan wanted to interject there, but I waved him off, "No, let me finish. Trust me when I say that this is a completely new thing for me and I've never opened myself up to anyone like this before." I couldn't tell him everything, including about my transformation, but wanted him to understand how emotionally new it was. "So I'm kind of psychologically exposed and sensitive, maybe too sensitive. Being in a close emotional relationship like this for the first time may have made me a bit reactive. Not that I'm saying I wasn't justified in being hurt, but I could have been more understanding. So now that I've had more time to think about it, I can understand the position you were in. I'm sure you were in a bad spot with it and I have no doubt that you really believed that I wasn't in any risk. So I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for the way I treated you this last week and that I'm starting to forgive you. However in all honesty, there's still part of me that hesitates now, even though I want to feel that same level of trust I used to feel with you."

Evan was waiting patiently to speak, so I smiled at him, "It's OK. You can talk now."

"Lea, you have no idea how sorry I am about how I hurt you... how I hurt our relationship. I'm not going to make any excuses about my confidentiality agreement or any of that. I know that isn't a good reason. I broke a trust between us and that's completely unacceptable. I couldn't feel worse about that and I'd completely understand if you didn't forgive me. But I'm really happy to hear you say that you're starting to. So let me tell you this: I'm going to do everything I can to rebuild that trust back to where it was before. You said that you hope I feel the same closeness as you. Well, don't even doubt that. I have very strong feelings for you and have had since we met. Not to scare you off or anything but, when I think of the future, I think of my future with you in it."

I moved in close and encircled my arms around his waist. Evan took the positive cue from me and enveloped me in his arms. We stayed that way for a long time.

We talked a lot last night, not about Josh's hacking suggesting yet, but about things in general. We were able to laugh again. I cried some as well, but it was an emotional time. I spent the night at Evan's place, cradled in his arms. He never attempted to make a move or try anything sexual, for which I appreciated his sensitivity. However, now that our relationship was healing again, I would have happily accepted.

Hacking

2012-02-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about conspiracies since last week, mostly because things around the assessment don't make sense. I can't quite figure out the chain of events or why they might have happened.

Since I've been going over and over events from the last couple of months in my head, one thing occurred to me. I hadn't given it too much thought at the time, more than it being just a major annoyance. But now in a different context, maybe there was more to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post about a month ago, I had a particularly nasty spyware infection on my computers. It was sending screenshots and keystrokes to some remote site. At the time, I took it to be a random event that just happened to hit me, but now that there seems to be something more going on, is it possible that the infection was intentionally meant for me? Is someone spying on me?

I brought it up yesterday with Josh and he immediately reprimanded me for not telling him sooner. This was right up his alley. Like me, Josh is in the I.T. field, but he's more of a hard-core, classic developer by profession. But the reason his interest was particularly piqued was because he also has a bit of a history as a hacker. He'd been doing it for years ever since he was young. He never did anything malicious and it was mostly just to see if he could get access somewhere. And he was generally successful. He has even been hired a few times by various companies to attempt ethical hacking and penetration testing on their networks. So hearing that my systems were infected like this really grabbed his attention. It didn't hurt that Josh tends to be a bit of a conspiracy theorist anyway.

He said I should have told him right away when it happened so that he could have investigated more deeply for me. Of course at the time, I didn't really think too much about it. Plus I had to get my notebooks back in business quickly to be able to work, so I had to take the quick route and reformat and re-install everything. But now Josh was on a tear about this. He said I was too trusting of this kind of thing, not in a critical way, but just trying to be more positive and corrective. To him, this was definitive proof that there was some kind of conspiracy going on and, since the events seem to revolve around RAMJAC, they must be behind the spying. Even though it might sound like the usual conspiracy theory rhetoric, Josh insisted that RAMJAC had the money and self-interest to do whatever they like to whomever they like.

Josh joked that RAMJAC deserved a little of their own medicine and he should spy back on them. And even though he said it as a joke, I saw the light bulb go on in his brain. Suddenly it was not only a challenge, but also a way to "stick it to The Man". I told him that he couldn't do it. I wouldn't have him do anything illegal and get into trouble for me. Of course, part of me was intrigued. Maybe this was finally a way to get some answers. We argued over it for several minutes before Josh insisted he was going to do it whether I liked it or not. Even though I still felt guilty about him risking himself for me, I was glad that he was looking out for me. I reluctantly agreed and thanked him.

So then we started discussing what should be done and how to go about it. It didn't take long though before we were stuck. For a company of RAMJAC's size, where would we even begin? Even if Josh could get access to their systems, what would we look for? It soon became clear that we were going to need someone to guide us and help navigate. That finally brought us around to the topic that the two of us had been avoiding ever since I moved in with Josh -- Evan. He had contacts within RAMJAC and might be able to help us.

Evan had made some attempts to contact me over the last week since our fight, but I'd been avoiding him and refusing to call him back. I felt I wasn't ready to talk to him yet since I still felt betrayed. But now, here's it was, an excuse to reach out to him. And I was thankful to have it. Even though I was still feeling hurt, I knew it was time to talk to him again.

It was good to have an excuse to talk to Josh about Evan as well. Josh is still my best friend and to be excluding part of my life from him didn't seem right. So we talked for a long time about it and, this time, I didn't hold any of my feelings back. I gave Josh the complete picture. I could tell that the topic made Josh uncomfortable, particularly to start. However by the end, I could see that he at least understood my situation and could accept my feelings for Evan, even if he wasn't completely on board.

So now, the next thing to do is to talk to Evan.

Still Hurting

2012-02-18T06:40:00.000-05:00

Over the last few days, I've thought a lot about what happened between Evan and me. From the very beginning when we met, I'd felt a strong closeness to him and a sense of safety when I was with him. Those feelings never wavered. But after finding out that he was keeping information from me, especially since it had potential risk to me, that trust was shattered.

Part of me understands what he was going through with it. I've worked some contract jobs before that required confidentiality agreements and there's necessity to keeping things under wraps. I know that he was sincerely feeling guilty about it and, from his perspective, he did get word that the tests were clear. So I'm sure that he didn't really think there was any risk for me.

And to be honest, I still really don't know that there was a risk to me. For all I know now, the tests actually were clear and there's nothing to worry about. The only thing I really know for sure is that there's some weirdness around the assessment appointment itself which currently can't be explained.

However even though I can understand all of that, I'm still feeling very hurt about it. A part of me feels that I'll have a hard time trusting Evan again.

I needed someone to talk to to help me work through it. Unfortunately I knew Josh wasn't really ready to get into the conversation about Evan with me. There wasn't anything strained between him and me over the last few days since I've been staying at his place, so I know that he isn't holding it against me. However he hasn't brought up the topic at all either. So I've avoided the conversation too.

I ended up calling Lauren to talk while Josh wasn't around. She was very sympathetic and helped me out a lot, mostly by pointing out one thing, "Don't forget. You're keeping secrets as well."

I hadn't really looked at it that way for some reason. Evan definitely wasn't the only one with secrets. Plus when I thought about it, I think a lot of my anger is due to the fact that I'm looking at this environmental thing as a possible cause of my transformation. Since Evan isn't aware of that, it's nowhere near as critical to him as it seems to me.

More About The Testing

2012-02-15T13:09:00.001-05:00

I decided to see if I could find out some more about the environmental assessment I ordered, more specifically why it seems to have bounced from one company to another. Since Evan said the file was classified as confidential on RAMJAC's end (and I really don't want to get him into any trouble at work even though I'm still hurt by the whole thing), I realized that approaching things from that side wouldn't be the best idea.

So I called up the original environmental firm that I booked the appointment with. I thought I'd have better luck there since it was my testing that I paid for. What I found out (and I confirmed it with three different people on their end just to be sure that it wasn't a mistake) sent a chill down my spine. According to them, I'd made the appointment for the assessment, then cancelled it the next day! After that, the appointment was never in their system and they don't have any connection with the testing that was done.

It's disturbing enough that it seems that RAMJAC received or maybe even took over this appointment somehow, completely without my awareness or the knowledge of the environmental firm. But even worse is the fact that the written assessment still appears to have come from this original firm, even though they don't have any knowledge of it.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist usually, but right now I'm starting to freak out a bit. At first, this seemed to be just a case of a possible accident along with a misunderstanding about who did the actual work. But now, I'm wondering if there's more to it than that. Unless there's some other possibilities that I'm not thinking of, it seems like there's more intention to this. Otherwise, how or why would the appointment have been cancelled and redone by a completely different company? I've been trying to come up with other scenarios that might explain this whole thing, but nothing makes sense. I really think I've been intentionally deceived, but why?

Disclosure And Betrayal

2012-02-14T14:20:00.000-05:00

I found out so much yesterday that I hardly know where to begin. Evan called me last night and said he found some things out about the environmental assessment. He wanted to tell me in person though, so I invited him over. It didn't take him long to get over, but I was worried the whole time I was waiting. I was sure it was something horrible since he wanted to tell me face to face.

When he arrived, he looked anxious and a little pale even. He asked me to sit down while he filled me in. Then he started in on his story. It came out in bits and pieces and I had a lot to interject while he was telling it. However here's what he told me in a more chronological order.

Evan's first sense that anything was wrong was not when he saw this written assessment report -- it turns out it was actually back about a month ago! Just before our second date, apparently he was talking about me at work. When his supervisor (which was the older guy named Carl that came along for my appointment) heard him mentioning our date, he pulled Evan aside for a private meeting. Before starting in, Carl said that the discussion was strictly confidential and that Evan was bound by non-disclosure in his employment agreement to not speak of this topic outside of the office.

First, let me tell you something about the environmental firm Evan works for. Even though they're a standalone company, they're actually owned by a well-known multinational corporation. For purposes of this blog so I don't get into any libel issues, I've decided to refer to them by the name of a fictional conglomerate created by Kurt Vonnegut -- The RAMJAC Corporation. I'm sure you can figure it out but they're involved in almost everything including plastics, electronics, agriculture, biotech, construction, pharmaceuticals, etc. In addition to this, RAMJAC actually has one of their subsidiaries, which makes plastics, a few kilometers away from my house.

So when Carl took Evan aside, he informed him that there had been a possible leak reported by this site and that my house was in the risk zone. Nothing was made public since they felt that the risk and volume of the leak was low, but there was still a possibility. So when I was looking to have the environmental assessment done, it turned into the perfect chance for them to do some inspection apparently. Neither Evan nor I have any idea yet how my request for an appointment went from the company I originally called over to Evan's company, but maybe it was red-flagged and sent to RAMJAC due to the possible leak. This part is still an unknown.

So Evan went on that second date with me feeling guilty at having been sworn to secrecy at risk of his job. Thinking back on it now, I do recall him being a little quiet or reserved or something, so that makes sense now. After that even though he still couldn't tell me about it, Evan repeatedly inquired internally about the status of the environmental assessment. It turned out that the samples had been kicked up to his parent company, RAMJAC, for analysis. However the word that came down to him was that things were progressing well and that the results continued to come back clear. So after getting good news on the test results after a few inquiries, his guilt abated some since there didn't seem to be any risk to me.

It wasn't until he saw the written assessment sent to me under the other firm's letterhead that he began to question things again. So yesterday once he was back in the office, he started to inquire about it again, all the way back to RAMJAC. After going through a few of his contacts, he eventually discovered that the file on my assessment was sealed and marked as confidential. Evan had never seen this done with test results like this and, if fact, with his position he usually has access to most documentation around assessments. He inquired with Carl why this might be and Carl said that this would usually only happen if there was a pending or finalized legal case or something like that. He couldn't think of any other reason.

So now there are plenty of unnerving questions. Why would the file be sealed if the results of the tests were clear? Could it be because they just didn't want the news to go public? Why was my assessment appointment forwarded from the original company I called over to Evan's company or possibly RAMJAC directly? And why would RAMJAC have taken the testing out of the hands of one of their own labs and given it back to the original independent company for analysis?

Evan had all of the same questions which is why he decided it was time to reveal it all to me, even at the risk of his job... and his relationship with me. I can't even tell you all of the emotions I was feeling as Evan told me his story. With all of the information around RAMJAC, I was confused, angry and (above all) scared. But when it came to Evan himself, I felt hurt and betrayed.

I understand the confidentiality agreement he was bound by and that his career was at risk, but I still can't believe he kept this information from me for almost a whole month, especially when there was a possible risk to my health, no matter how small. I thought we were close. I listened to him confess his story, feeling more angry the longer I listened. By the end of it, once everything was out on the table, I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so upset and confused and shocked that all I could bring myself to say to him at that moment was, "Get out."

Evan thoroughly and sincerely apologized about not letting me know until now. Part of me felt for him and could forgive him, but not yet. I just wasn't ready. I needed him to go or risk blowing up at him entirely. He said he understood and agreed with me, and that he was more disappointed with himself than I could imagine. After that, he left me. And the tears overwhelmed me.

Later in the evening after I calmed down, I came to at least one decision. Since there was so much uncertainty, I had no level of trust in the results I'd received. Given that, if there was any chance at all that I might be at risk of exposure to something, I could no longer stay at my house.

Since she'd been so good about everything, I thought about asking Lauren if I could stay there. But she only has a one-bedroom apartment and, for possibly an extended stay, I'm sure that would have been too big an imposition.

So I reached out to Josh. He has a three-bedroom condo with plenty of room. I filled him in on everything that had happened, trying unsuccessfully to hold it together and not get too emotional. I had to go all the way back to the beginning, since I hadn't even told him about Evan in the first place. To be honest, it was an uncomfortable conversation and Josh is far from accepting my relationship with Evan. However once he understood that I was potentially at risk in my own home, he immediately invited me to stay with him, without me even asking.

Reviewing The Assessment

2012-02-12T10:05:00.000-05:00

Last night, I ran the environmental assessment by Evan. The first thing that he noticed was that the letterhead was under a different company's name than the firm he works for. It was definitely the company that I'd originally approached and made the appointment with, but it turns out that isn't the company which Evan actually works for. I felt a little stupid for not knowing that about him. It's not that we hadn't talked about his work before (because we had), but we just hadn't really mentioned his company by name before. I'd always assumed he just worked for the company that I originally called.

Evan said it wasn't unusual for one company to subcontract out work to another, but he wasn't aware that was the case in my assessment. He said that he'd look into in again on Monday when he was back in the office, just to confirm what happened with it. Not that he said anything specifically, but it seemed like he was a little concerned about this. I didn't really press him on it though, so I assume that he just wanted to make sure that the testing was done properly and by a reputable company.

However after reviewing the entire contents of the assessment, he seemed to agree with the summary that there were no causes for concern. All levels were definitely within acceptable levels. I still had a bunch of questions for him around the tests that were done and their results. He was able to answer all of my questions though, so I feel much better and much more clear about it now.

Results Of The Tests

2012-02-10T11:12:00.000-05:00

I got a package in the mail today. It turned out to be the results of the environmental assessment I had ordered in and around my house back at the beginning of the year.

It was a thick pile of papers containing the details of the testing, most of which meant nothing to me. However it luckily started out with a summary in fairly plain English. The bottom line was that all of the things tested for were well within acceptable ranges. So basically, everything checked out OK and my house and the surrounding area are completely fine. I'll have to get with Evan to explain some of this stuff to me, so that I have a better understanding of it. Of course, he wasn't involved in the actual analysis of the samples in my case, just the collecting of the them.

I almost wished that the tests did come back with some problem. At least then, I'd maybe have something to point to as a cause for my transformation. This was my last avenue to go down to figure out why this happened to me in the first place. And now that this possibility is exhausted, what do I do now? If I don't know how this happened in the first place, what chance do I have to reverse it?

But then again, do I want to reverse it? Over the last two months, I've become quite comfortable in my new body in a lot of ways. It seems the longer I live like this, the less I miss my old male self.

Plus, there's Evan....

Date #4

2012-02-07T15:15:00.001-05:00

This is a continuation from where I left off yesterday about my date on the weekend with Evan. It took me a while to get it all down since I wasn't really sure how much I was comfortable revealing here. I decided that it seemed a little pointless to withhold information now given all of the things I'd revealed up until now though, so let me begin...

We had a really great dinner, not just the meal but the company. It still continues to surprise me how close I feel to Evan after only knowing him for a short time. We spent the whole evening talking and joking. Early on, we started with subtle physical contact, reaching out and touching forearms and such. That evolved to hand-holding. It wasn't long before Evan had moved his chair around the table so that we were sitting side by side. From that point forward, we were leaning in close together, at times with our heads or faces even touching. I felt warm and comforted, but excited with anticipation. I couldn't wait to experience more of him.

By the end of our dessert, I'd already made my decision. I needed to be with Evan. So I took the initiative (which may or may not be forward for a woman, but I didn't care) and asked if we could go back to his place. Being thoughtful and, I'm sure, remembering our last intimate moment, he asked if I was sure. I replied, "Absolutely."

Before we were even inside Evan's apartment, we were already making out. He had me with my back pressed up against the door to his place, kissing the side of my neck, but still managed to fish out his keys and unlock the door. We practically fell inside once the door unlatched. We had a momentary laugh at our clumsiness but were quickly back at it as Evan guided me towards his bedroom.

Once we were in the bedroom, it wasn't long before Evan had unzipped the back of my dress. An excited thrill shot through me as I felt the dress slide down my body, then my legs, to rest on the floor. Evan took a step back and took me all in. "You're stunning," he said before moving in close again. I pulled his shirt off over his head even though it was a button-up shirt. I was too impatient to feel his skin against me to bother fiddling with buttons. I reached behind me and quickly unclasped my bra to let it drop. Then I pulled him into me, our chests touching. I can't fully describe the intense feeling I had with my breasts pressed into his lean torso, skin on skin. My nipples were immediately erect and that just made them all the more sensitive.

Evan's hands slid down my back and grasped by butt. He quickly pulled me into him and our pelvises pressed together. I felt a shot of pleasure and reciprocated by grinding myself into him. Then Evan moved me backwards towards the bed and guided me to sit on the edge. At first, I felt uncertain where he was guiding me, but then he laid me back on the bed with my feet still over the edge. He began to kiss me on the neck, then worked his way down to my breasts. A shiver of excitement overcame me as he took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked it lightly to start, then more firmly.

Then his lips moved down my stomach, lightly, excruciatingly close to tickling. He reached around me and pulled down my panties. I then felt just how wet I was between my legs as the panties pulled away and Evan slipped them off completely. It was then that I felt his hot breath between my legs and my eyes shot open as I realized where he was. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, "My god, this is really happening." But I didn't care. I wanted it to happen. I needed it to happen. The pleasure was overwhelming as Evan began to use his mouth on me. Lost in the moment completely, my back arched and I pressed my pelvis into him as he started out with light kissing and licking. Reading my excitement, he quickly probed more vigorously and deeper. It was completely electrifying. I'd pleasured myself since my transformation to a woman, but it was nothing as intense as this. I flung my legs up over his shoulders and pulled his head in deeper, not wanting it to stop, wanting more. The pleasure was excruciating and I thought I couldn't take any more. Then I felt a sudden unexpected jolt that surpassed where I was already at. Evan had slowly inserted a finger into me and was rubbing in and out, while still flicking my clitoris with his tongue. That pushed me over the edge and I felt like I might explode as I came harder than I ever remember. My body convulsed over and over as the orgasm rocked me.

My legs were still trembling even after the waves had subsided, but I knew that I couldn't leave Evan hanging. I sat up on the edge of the bed and guided him to stand. Here I could almost feel my female body taking over and doing what came naturally. Of course, being a man before, I knew what felt good for me, so maybe that was part of it. But it was more than that. I was just letting my body do what felt right. I began to rub him through his pants and could feel that he was already hard. So I undid his pants and let them fall to the floor, allowing his penis to be free. I took it lightly in my hands. It felt so odd holding it, never having held another penis besides my own. But at the same time, I felt a sense of excitement and even (for lack of a better word) pride for getting him this hard. I stroked him then and Evan moaned with a shiver. As I moved my hands, he became even bigger.

I felt sudden pangs of hesitation then. Part of me was feeling like I should perform oral on him now. And it wasn't entirely because I was thinking that he would want it. I felt that I wanted to try it myself. However I hesitated because it just seemed like too much for me. The whole situation was confusing, being my first time as a woman, but performing oral seemed like it was just too far. I don't know why but those were my thoughts at the time. So I'm afraid that I didn't give him oral.

But I still wanted more and knew he would too. I began to guide him down to me but stopped when it suddenly came into my head that I didn't have any protection. I'd always used it as a man but I'd never had to from the woman's side. It never occurred to me before that point. I don't even know if I could get pregnant or whatever given my situation, but I wasn't going to test it. I apologized for stopping but asked him if he had a condom. He said that was already his plan and it wasn't a problem.

So after he retrieved a condom and put it on, I pulled him down to me as I laid back on the bed. Reaching down, I grasped his penis and slowly moved it inside me. At first, I felt a slight pinch as Evan penetrated me and I'm sure I flinched a bit. But it was only momentary and then a warmth began to spread through me as he slowly moved in and out. That warmth quickly grew into a blaze and I wanted more. I reached around him and pulled him into me deeper, not realizing until later how I was moaning in pleasure. My ecstasy grew as he thrust faster until I thought I might burst. Evan then leaned forward to lay on top of me. As I felt his chest against mine and his hot breath on my neck, I came for the second time, calling out Evan's name. Bucking against him in pleasure, I felt his breathing quicken to panting as he came as well.

We lay on the bed in each other's arms, pleasantly spent, as things subsided. A warmth had spread through me and I felt sensitive all over. This feeling was certainly a change from the period after sex as a man. Before I just wanted to fall asleep after sex. But now, I felt energized and alert. The whole experience was phenomenal. It was so different from sex as a man, so many new feelings and sensations. But even though it was new and somewhat confusing, it didn't feel bad or wrong. As I rested in Evan's arms, it felt right.

We laid together for probably 10 minutes before we decided to get up. It wasn't until Evan took the condom off that either of us noticed the blood. Once I saw it, I realized that it came from me. I noticed now that I was a bit sensitive down there. My mind quickly put two and two together and, along with the slight pain I felt when Evan had penetrated me, I realized that I had been a virgin as a woman. The blood was from my broken hymen. I was immediately mortified and didn't know what to tell him. I fumbled for a excuse. There was only a small amount of blood though, so I told him that it must have just been a slight abrasion from rigorous activity. He was genuinely concerned about me but I told him it wasn't a problem or his fault in any way.

But other than this one incident, the rest of the night was fantastic. I spent the night over at Evan's and he made me a nice breakfast the next morning. We spent most of Sunday together too.

I'm not sure what to do or think about this, but I know now that I've really fallen for him.

Getting Ready For My Date

2012-02-06T13:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I'm a bit behind in my postings, but a lot went on this weekend and I wasn't even sure how to convey everything... or if I even wanted to. But here goes.

I had another date with Evan on Saturday night. That afternoon, I had Lauren over beforehand to discuss the whole thing and my feelings around it. I thought I needed a second opinion to make sure I wasn't crazy in continuing on with Evan. Of course, Lauren wasn't as accepting as me, but we'd discussed it enough that she'd come to grips with the idea and knew that I felt very strongly for him. Plus as she'd told me, she knew what it was like to be "hung up on a guy."

So after talking at length about Evan, Lauren somewhat reluctantly got on board. However she insisted that she meet him when he picked me up tonight, so she could get a better sense of him. She had always been a mother hen, but that was one of the things I loved about her. I promised her that I wouldn't run off without giving her that chance.

Evan was going to take me out to a nicer place for dinner. On hearing where we were going, Lauren immediately asked me what I was planning on wearing since she knew I only had jeans and T-shirts for my new female self. She quickly admonished me saying that that wasn't acceptable, given the place we were going to. However since we had a few hours to kill before Evan was supposed to show up, Lauren insisted that she was going to take me out to upgrade my wardrobe.

So we made a trip to the mall and Lauren guided me through several women's stores that I'd never set foot in before. The end result was a collection of things that expanded out my female wardrobe to cover more than just casual situations. I got a couple of shirts (sorry, "tops") that were more dressy than my T-shirts. Also Lauren talked me into buying a couple of skirts, nothing too short but still sexy apparently. As Lauren said, "Since now you've got legs like that, it would be a shame to hide them." It's going to take a while to get used to being open and exposed like that underneath. I'm just so used to being fully contained in pants.

We made it to a lingerie shop as well where she got me properly outfitted. The lingerie that Lauren picked out was definitely more exotic that the "standard" stuff I've been wearing up until now, also not quite as comfortable either, but I had to admit that it did look much hotter.

Lastly for my date, I got a dress, my first dress. It's dark blue, sleeveless, cut a little lower in the front, with the skirt just above my knees. I'd tried on a bunch of dresses before this one, but as soon as Lauren saw this one on me, she just said, "We can stop there. That's the one."

Before we left the mall, Lauren also ducked into a department store saying that she had to pick up some stuff for herself. It seemed at the time that she was being a bit cryptic and when we got back to my place, I found out why. She pulled out a bag filled with makeup, saying with a smirk, "OK Lea. Since we're elevating your wardrobe already, we might as well do the full-out makeover."

The results of Lauren's handiwork is in the new picture I've posted for this blog. I got her to take this picture of me. It felt really odd to have all of that stuff on my face, but it wasn't long before I stopped noticing that it was there. I have to hand it to her though -- Lauren did good work.

By the time Evan rang my doorbell, I was completely made over. On opening the door, I saw Evan's eyes widen and he paused speechless for a moment before uttering, "Holy shit." He shook is head slightly, embarrassed by his exclamation, before continuing, "Sorry, I didn't mean... I just didn't expect you to look... Not that you don't always look great but...."

I kept quiet and let him keep stammering, just smiling and enjoying the fact that I threw him for a loop with my new look. He finally paused for a second and smiled back. "Hold on. Let me try this one again," he said, then reached in and closed my front door again leaving him on the outside still.

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I waited inside the door. After a few seconds, the doorbell rang again. Just to torture him a bit more, I gave it a few more seconds before opening the door.

There he stood again, looking me up and down (casually this time, making a humorous show of how much "cooler" he was this time). This time, he kept it short and sweet, "Wow! You look phenomenal." I smiled and felt myself blush.

I invited him in and introduced him to Lauren. "Not only is she responsible for all of the work you see before you," I said, jokingly waving my hands across my whole body like some TV game show model, "but she's also here to grill you about your intentions with me. She'll be playing my mother figure for tonight."

Evan didn't miss a beat. "Well first of all, I should say thanks for all that you've done. You seem to have done the impossible and improved on perfection. As for my intentions, I insure you they're strictly honourable," he said in a faux formal voice. "But seriously, I think it's great that you're looking out for Lea. I'm sure you just want the best for her and, in that respect, we're on the same page. So ask away."

We talked for a little longer after that. Lauren didn't grill him or anything, but that's not really her style anyway. She was just trying to get a sense of what he was like. When we finally all left the house (Lauren going her own way), I looked over to her. She gave me a smile and a quick nod of her head, so I knew I had her approval.

I have a lot more to write about that night though, so there'll be more to come once I get around to getting my thoughts down....

The Magic Spell Arrives

2012-02-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

Trust me, I'm more surprised than anyone, but that magic potion which I ordered a month ago actually arrived yesterday.

The package I got didn't really contain a potion so I guess that was just a bit misleading on the web site. What it had was a candle, some incense, a "magical incantation" and full instructions on everything to do.

For most of the day yesterday, I felt foolish even entertaining the idea that this could work. I've never been a believer in this sort of thing and, even in my desperation, I felt ridiculous even at the thought of trying it.

The instructions said to perform the spell before going to bed then, after a night's sleep, I would "wake up in the body I always dreamed of." So I followed the instructions to the letter and got everything set up late last night. However as I was getting prepared, I realized that I was starting to feel very nervous and uneasy. I had to take a few moments to sit down and think.

For the last two months, I've been trying to find a way back to my old body and my old male self. I'd always pictured myself eventually being back in my original form and never really questioned that vision. But here I was with a chance (although a slim one) to change back and what was I feeling? On reflecting on it, I realized what it was -- reluctance! I was suddenly having doubts as to whether I wanted to change back. I was shocked that I was thinking this way, but there it was. The feelings were there, no doubt about it, regardless of what the logical part of me was thinking.

I'd never really consciously thought about that as an option. In the beginning, I'd always just envisioned being back as a man again, so I never posed that question to myself before. But now that thought occurred to me and, to be honest, it was very hard to dismiss. My mind raced through this train of thought as I traced back through my actions over the last few weeks. I certainly wasn't looking for a "cure" as thoroughly as I had been in the beginning. Maybe that was because I'd exhausted most of the avenues and had run out of things to look for, but maybe there was more to it. Maybe subconsciously I just didn't want to try so hard. And then there was Evan! In a short period of time, he'd become very important to me and a big part of my thoughts and life. That would obviously be over if I changed back. And I didn't know if I was ready to give him up.

I deliberated with myself for over an hour about this. My life had fundamentally changed in so many ways, some of which I'd adjusted to... and some that I even enjoyed. It was difficult to dismiss all of that. But the other, more practical side of me understood the difficulties that came with being a different person and gender. All of my past and experiences were as a man and it would be impossible to marry all of my old life with a new life as a woman. Realistically, it just didn't seem feasible to stay this way. So after much internal debate, I finally came to the decision that I had to go ahead with it.

Once I committed to that course of action, I went ahead with the spell as instructed. I didn't feel any different during or afterward, but I wasn't really expecting much, if anything. However even though I was very sceptical of the whole "spell" thing, I had a very fitful sleep. I tossed and turned and kept waking up to see if any change happened.

I think I finally drifted off fully around 3:00am. Then just around 6:30am, I woke up and sat straight up in bed when I remembered what had happened the night before. Of course after a quick survey of my body, I knew that the spell was a hoax after all and that nothing had changed. Not too surprising, even given my worrying last night.

Honestly though, once I knew for sure that I hadn't transformed back to male again, I felt an enormous weight off my shoulders and a great sense of relief set in. Even though I'd made the decision to change back, I did it with a lot of hesitation. I just don't know if I'm ready yet....

Relief

2012-01-31T09:39:00.000-05:00

You have no idea how much better I feel now! Last night, I finally got a call back from Josh. He'd just been tied up with other things and hadn't gotten around to getting back to me. As it turned out, he's completely fine and everything is as normal.

However I still had another rough night last night worrying about Evan. But I just got off the phone with him. He's feeling much better now and whatever this was seems to have broken. He started eating a little again last night and apparently is already feeling more like his old self this morning after a good night's sleep.

So apparently, all of my worrying was for nothing. For now, it seems that whatever caused my transformation doesn't appear to be infectious. But I'm still going to be keeping an eye out for unusual occurrences in the people around me. Even though this turned out to be nothing, it's taught me a lesson not to be too complacent about this.

But now, I'm going back to bed to catch up on a bit of sleep. I'm exhausted.

Is It Contagious?!

2012-01-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'm completely freaking out!! I didn't get a minute of sleep last night, since I couldn't stop worrying about this.

I hadn't spoken to Evan since Thursday night when he was over at my place. I called him on Saturday just to talk but only got his voicemail so I left a message, not really thinking anything of it. By late afternoon yesterday (Sunday), I still hadn't heard back from him and was starting to get a little concerned. Maybe my asking him to slow down put him off more than I'd thought. But now I wish it was as simple as that.

Around 7:00pm last night, I finally got a call back from him and he sounded terrible, like he could barely speak or concentrate properly. He apologized for not getting back to me, but it turned out that he came down with some kind of bug or flu or something on Friday night that had him completely laid up in bed. He'd spent most of the last 48 hours sleeping in between occasional bouts of throwing up.

As soon as Evan described this to me, a chill ran down my spine and I thought I might be sick myself. The vomiting, the exhaustion -- this was exactly the same way things had started with me before my transformation! I'd had the same issues before the change and attributed them to the flu at the time too.

I tried my hardest (I'm sure unsuccessfully) to force the sheer panic out of my voice, once I was able to pull myself together enough to speak. Fortunately Evan wasn't really in any shape to be carrying on a conversation so I'm sure he didn't even notice. I managed to stutter out that I was sorry he wasn't feeling well and ask him if he needed anything. He thanked me politely and said that he just wanted to sleep it off, sure that it would pass soon. So I let him go and hung up the phone.

I immediately began to tremble uncontrollably in a state of terror. My mind was filled with a swirl of panicked thoughts. Is it possible that my transformation could be contagious? Evan and I had spent the whole evening in close contact Thursday night and engaged in more intimate contact too. Could that have infected him? And that was the first time he'd spent that much time over at my house. Is there something in the house that could have affected him?

In the middle of all this, it occurred to me that Josh had spent a few hours with me at my place earlier in the week. I hadn't been in contact with him since then. Was it possible that he was affected too? I pulled myself together as best as possible, so as to not worry him if everything was fine, and called his place. I only got his voicemail though, so I left a message for him to call me as soon as he got it. I have yet to hear back from him.

I thought of Lauren too, since she stayed with me for a few days. Luckily she answered the phone when I called. It turned out that she was perfectly fine, but immediately picked up on the panic in my voice. After I explained my concerns, she was able to calm me down a bit.

As she'd said, in all likelihood, it really is just the flu or something and nothing more sinister. But I just can't get this out of my head. And I'm sure that I won't until I know for sure. Maybe Lauren wasn't affected since she's a woman. What if I infected Evan or Josh and now they will go through the same change as me? How could I have been so foolish? What have I done?!

Come Over To My Place

2012-01-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Last night, I'd invited Evan over to my place for Thai take-out and a movie. As you might imagine, we didn't quite make it through all of the movie.

We started out close to each other on the couch, only arms touching. But as we watched the movie and became more comfortable, it wasn't long before Evan put his arm around me. I just felt so protected yet enticed at the same time. Our bodies quickly melted into each other, fitting together snugly like a puzzle.

Then the touching started. And it was me that initiated it, just gently stroking his forearm. He soon reciprocated and was rubbing my leg which was draped over his. All it took was a momentary eye contact with him to launch us into full out kissing. Again, I felt like I just couldn't get enough of it from him. My breathing quickened and I could feel the adrenaline surging through me. My eagerness quickly escalated to the point that I almost felt frenzied. I'd quickly turned myself around and straddled him, both of us sitting up.

We continued to kiss, deeper and with increasing voracity. Being lost in the moment, I barely noticed as Evan slipped my shirt off over my head. I quickly did the same with him. Feeling the warm skin of his chest against mine gave me a thrilling surge of pleasure and I pulled him into me even tighter. After a short while, I felt my bra come loose as Evan dislodged the clasp. At first, I was startled, then apprehensive, and I reached to keep myself covered. But Evan had moved down to kiss the side of my neck and I immediately relaxed into it and let my bra slide off.

He moved slowly down my chest. Each light touch of his lips caused a swell of excitement in me. By the time he'd reached my breasts, I could barely contain myself. I'd never felt that level of sensitivity with any sexual activity before. As he took my right nipple in his mouth, I let out a loud gasp of pleasure, feeling a jolt of intense arousal shoot through me.

But that jolt was enough to awaken and alert me to my reality. I suddenly felt anxious and apprehensive. My mind swirled with questions filled with stress. What was I doing? How could I be doing this with a man? Was I letting myself be swept up by these circumstances? Was something else wrong with me that I couldn't control these urges?

Without realizing it, I stopped and pulled away from Evan, still straddling him. I covered my breasts with my arms, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Evan looked up at me with a look of concern and slight confusion, "Is everything OK?"

I had no intension of revealing my mindset to him but I also didn't want to hurt his feelings at all. I explained to him, still slightly out of breath, "I'm really sorry. I think things are moving a little fast right now. Would it be OK if we took it a little slower?"

"Of course. Are you sure everything's OK? I didn't go over the line or anything."

"No, no, no. It's just me. In fact, in all honesty, I'd have loved to keep going. You were doing everything right. It's just... I mean... I have... I just need a little more time to adjust to this," I gestured back and forth to him and me. "I promise you. You did nothing wrong. I just need to slow down tonight... for me. Is that OK? Please, I hope you're not upset."

"We'll take as much time as you need," Evan said with a caring smile. "How about we just take it easy for tonight and watch the rest of the movie? We can just snuggle on the couch. Without any expectations. No worries."

I could tell that he really meant it. "You're a really good guy, you know that? Thanks for understanding."

We quickly got dressed and cuddled up together on the couch with the remainder of the movie playing out. However I don't remember a thing about the rest of the movie. My mind was too consumed by all of my confusing thoughts and feelings. I wanted Evan more than anything, but was that wrong? And could these powerful feelings be part of the transformation or was this just a normal female reaction that just seemed overwhelming since it was foreign to me?

I need to get my head straight before cause myself any more trouble than I'm already in.

Infection

2012-01-25T13:25:00.001-05:00

What a waste yesterday was! I got the latest monthly bill from my Internet provider and my charges were unreasonably high compared to what I usually pay. After putting in a call to them, I was told that it was all due to usage and that my upload was way over my normal limit for the month.

Now even though I've been cooped up most of the time since my transformation and I've spent a good deal of time researching on the Internet, I knew that there was no way that I'd generated that much upload traffic. So I started to dig into my computers to see if something else was going on.

Now being that I'm an I.T. guy by profession -- sorry, I guess I should use a more gender-neutral term like "geek" now -- I'm very careful about security on my systems. I have anti-virus and anti-spyware software running on both of the notebooks and the server on my network along with firewall software and a hardware firewall just to be sure. Of course, I also realize that any system is susceptible to being breached no matter how tight the security is.

So it took me about an hour and a half of digging through logs, looking for unusual activity and unusual processes before I finally found something out of the ordinary. Once I discovered it, I was able to Google it to find out more information. It turned out to be a particularly nasty piece of spyware that was installed at the kernel level which seems to be why none of my detection software picked it up. According to the information I found on it, it's a keylogger and screenlogger, which means it captures all keystrokes and even gets screenshots of anything I'm looking at on my screen. And all of that is being uploaded behind the scenes to some remote FTP site that I couldn't track down, which explained why my upload traffic was so high this month, since it must have been constantly posting data.

As soon as I found the spyware, I disconnected all computers from my network to isolate them. It turned out that both notebooks were infected. Unfortunately there was no way I could find to remove the spyware adequately. So I ended up spending the better part of the day reformatting and reinstalling both computers, along with all of my applications, and restoring all of my old data. But since this was a keylogger, I also had to go through all of my personal and online accounts to change logins and passwords so the old ones couldn't be exploited. Who knows who might have access to my passwords and accounts?

I really don't know how I could have gotten infected like this. I'm very careful with attachments and websites, but I guess it's hard to keep track of all of the potential risks. There's always new badness out there.

I thought that I was pissed off about the whole situation but, by comparison, Evan completely freaked out when I told him. He'd called me up to see if I wanted to go out again. While we were talking, I'd mentioned what I was going through and he got more upset than I've ever heard him. I was a little taken aback at how strong his reaction was. He kept going on about how I had to get rid of the spyware, even to the extent of suggesting that I buy a new computer, just to be sure. I reassured him that I had everything under control and that I knew what I was doing, but he seemed to be questioning whether I'd be able to rid myself of the spyware entirely. Even though he knows that I'm in I.T., I wonder if maybe he's being influenced by the stereotype of I.T. being a man's world. Or maybe I'm just imagining things and he's really just worried about me.

I managed to talk him off the ledge, letting him know that everything was in good hands. He eventually told me that he'd had issues with his bank card being compromised in the past, so he's always been cautious of exposing personal information. He just wanted to make sure that this didn't happen to me. But even afterward, he seemed a little distant so I think it was still on his mind.

I've double-checked and everything's clean with my computers now. But I just wish I knew where this could have come from in the first place.

An Unexpected Visit

2012-01-24T10:18:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had a surprise knock on my door. Looking through the peephole first, I was shocked to see my friend Josh on my front step. This was the first time I'd seen him since the blow-up when I told him about my transformation.

I opened the door with a hesitant "Hey."

Josh paused for a few seconds, staring at me, before speaking. "Sorry... I was still a bit surprised to see that," he said gesturing at me up and down. "Can I come in?"

"'Course," I replied and walked with him to my living room. "You want a beer?"

"More than anything, yeah," he chuckled nervously.

I got each of us a beer before Josh started, "You have no idea how sorry I am. I was a complete fucking ass the other day. I still don't know what the hell I was thinking. I freaked, plain and simple. I wish I could tell you differently but that's it. First, the idea that this could even happen threw me for a loop. I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. But even worse was that it happened to you. My best friend for years was suddenly a woman! I couldn't get my head around it and I guess my confusion came out as anger. You know how my temper can sometimes get the better of me. And I know I should have done this sooner, but I just didn't know what to say and I was embarrassed about what I did. So I'm really, REALLY sorry. I feel like such a jackass for treating you like that. I'm sure this has got to be unbelievably difficult for you and I apologize for just adding to it."

I was relieved more than I can say and I could feel myself welling up. "Damn it!" I said wiping a tear away. "Sorry, sometimes the emotions are getting the better of me these days. You really are an ass, you know that?" I joked. "I have to be honest with you though. You crushed me that night. I'd been living with this secret for a month and then you reacted like THAT. I wanted to just crawl in a hole. It took some time but I started to understand how weird it must have been for you too, so I get it. I really do. So I forgive you. And I'm so glad to finally be able to talk to you again. But Josh," I said, pausing, "if you ever do that to me again, I'll break your head in."

"Sure, you only say that now because you know I won't fight a girl," he replied. We looked at each other for a second or two, then immediately burst out laughing... and kept on laughing until my stomach muscles started to hurt.

I spent the next couple of hours fielding Josh's questions and generally filling him in as much as I was able. I steered clear of the feelings I was having about men though and completely avoided the topic of Evan altogether. I'd just gotten Josh back and I didn't want to freak him out any more than I had to. I figured I'd ease him into that discussion down the road. However I did explain to him how I seemed to be completely female, both physically and mentally, so I think he started to get a fairly decent picture of my whole situation.

Things were finally getting back to being more like they'd always been between us. We could talk and joke like before.

Finally at the end of his barrage of questions for me, I could see a smirk cross his face. "So I guess that just leaves the most important question," he said smiling. "Can I see 'em?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Those," he said, pointing at my chest. "You can't tell me that my best friend turns into a hot chick and grows tits and you're not even going to let me see them," he said, barely keeping a straight face.

"Funny," I said flatly.

"No, come on. How about a little squeeze?" he said before busting out laughing.

"Fuck you, you perv," I replied and threw a nearby magazine at his head. I was happy to finally be joking around with him again.

Apologies

2012-01-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I figured I owed Lauren an apology, so I called her back. "You know, I'm losing sleep over you," she said, answering the phone.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been sneaking around like that. After all the help you've been, you didn't deserve that. Can you forgive me?"

She let out a long, tired sigh. "Lee, I was really worried. I'd have been happier if you'd have just told me up front. Don't do that to me again, OK?"

"Alright, I promise. I'm really sorry."

"Well, I know that it maybe wasn't entirely your fault. I probably came on a little strong with the whole 'Be careful' talk and you might have been worried about telling me. So if I strong-armed you, I'm sorry too. I don't want you to feel that you can't tell me stuff. And if you have these feelings and have to act on them, I'd rather you tell me, so that you have someone to confide in, even if I'm still not sure that it's the right thing for you, OK?" she said. "So what is it with this Evan guy anyway?"

"I don't know what it is. I've never felt like this before so it's hard to put in words. It probably sounds girly -- which is appropriate, I guess -- but he makes me laugh. I feel good when I'm with him, which is something I really need now. I can't explain it, but there's just an attraction there. I think about him all the time."

"Alright, so we'll work through this. We'll talk and I'll try to help you out. To be honest, I still don't know if I'm comfortable with this. It seems not right. Maybe it's just because I don't know what 'IT' is, but we'll figure it out. So please, just talk to me."

And we did talk, well into the night. By the end of it, both Lauren and I were feeling more at ease with the "Evan situation", even if we didn't fully comprehend it.

Starting To Accept How I Feel

2012-01-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

Lauren has moved out and back to her own place. We were both feeling more comfortable with the situation and my mindset about it, so we both decided together it would be alright for her to leave me on my own.

Of course, in a bit of an act of cowardice, I waited until after she'd left before breaking down and calling Evan back. I just couldn't seem to put him out of my head after he called that last time. I'd had so much fun the first time we were out. And in all honesty, that kiss really stuck with me. I kept reliving that moment and feeling anticipation for it all over again.

Evan was glad to hear from me and we set up a time to go out last night for dinner. I felt guilty about keeping it from Lauren afterward though, so just before Evan picked me up, I sent her a quick email apologizing for not telling her ahead of time but gave her the details of where I was going to be. I ignored a call from her on my cell phone while I was out, but I did get an email response back from her after that. All it said was "STUPID STUPID STUPID!!" so her reaction was as I expected.

On the way to the restaurant after Evan picked me up, he seemed a little quiet. It felt a little awkward in the car because of the silence so I asked him if everything was OK. He said he has fine though and seemed to perk up after that. It was probably just in my head, since I'm understandably over-analyzing things. This is all completely new for me, so I find myself trying to understand everything. Although trying to understand and come to grips with my whole situation usually leads to more stress than good, so I've been making a concerted effort to try to just let things happen sometimes.

We had another great evening over dinner. He's a good talker and an even better listener, although again I tried to avoid topics about my personal life for fear of letting something slip. This time luckily, I remembered to take it easy with the alcohol and only had just enough to take the edge off.

I still can't get over how funny he is. He even had our waitress laughing whenever she came back to the table, which was a little more often than I was comfortable with. Damn it, if I wasn't feeling some pangs of jealousy whenever she came around. I knew that Evan was just being friendly and wasn't doing anything on purpose, but it felt like our waitress was trying to interfere with our dinner to get attention from him for herself. It's all just too ridiculous for me, but I can't seem to stop myself when I have these kinds of thoughts.

And last night was the first night that I allowed myself to consciously think of Evan and me in "man-woman" terms. I know subconsciously that I probably always had some attraction to him, without being able to admit it to myself. However after that first night with him, he was always on my mind. It was silly to try to convince myself otherwise when I obviously had these strong feelings. So last night, I found myself really taking him all in and allowing myself to enjoy those feelings. Physically, he's quite attractive but not overly so. About 6'2" with short dark-brown hair, Evan is lean and fit, but not bulked up or anything. I found out that he's a runner and occasionally does some light weights too. He has a nice face too -- clean shaven and a bit younger-looking than his actual age -- with warm, dark-brown eyes that I'm really drawn to.

Of course, all good things have to end at some time, so after a long wonderful evening, we decided to call it a night. Evan drove me back to my place and parked in the driveway. We talked for a few minutes more, wrapping up for the night. This time though, the real surprise came from me. Being close together in the front seat of the car like that, looking into each other's eyes, I felt drawn towards him. That's not true. I shouldn't put it that way since it's misleading. It's not like some force was pulling me. It was all me. I wanted more of what we had the first night and my time with Evan last night just reinforced that. So this time, I initiated things and leaned in towards him. He met me half way and our lips met.

This time, the kiss definitely lasted more than a few seconds. It was deep and enthusiastic. I was very aroused and just let myself follow what my body was telling me. Before I knew it, my hands reached out for him and he did the same with me, just tentative and gentle without exploring. I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to before I let myself get too overwhelmed, so I slowly broke contact. Before I left the car though, I gave him one last soft kiss on the lips and, with a warm smile, wished him a good night. Evan thoughtfully waited in the driveway until I got safely in the house before he drove away, which warmed me even more to him.

And I'll admit this here too: Last night was the only the second time that I'd masturbated since I changed into a woman. And the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking of Evan.

Opening Up Completely

2012-01-18T13:23:00.000-05:00

I really had some explaining to do last night. Lauren is still staying here at my house with me. She's really been a great source of moral support for me, not to mention giving me someone to turn to when I have female questions.

She's also been fielding the odd phone call for me since I don't want to answer it with my new voice in case it's someone I know. But last night, she took a call that threw her a bit. She answered the phone when it rang and paused while the person on the other end spoke. "Just a minute," she said with a curious look on her face, then placed a hand over the receiver and looked to me. "It's a guy named Evan... looking for LEA?"

I felt myself blush furiously from surprise and embarrassment at being found out with this. This was really the only thing I hadn't disclosed to Lauren, since I wasn't really ready to admit to it yet. But now I had no choice. I still wasn't prepared to talk to Evan though so I waved Lauren off and told her to tell him I wasn't home, which she did.

After a few seconds of listening to the other end of the line, Lauren replied, "Oh, OK. She has your number?" She raised an eyebrow at me. "I'll let her know that you called."

Calmly she hung up the phone, then quickly spun around to me, "OK, what the hell was THAT?"

"Ummm."

"With everything else you've already told me, you're seriously keeping something back? Seriously?!" she exclaimed half-jokingly.

"OK... so here's what that's about," I stammered. "Remember how I told you that I had that environmental assessment company come out? So this guy Evan was one of the techs who came out. We got to talking while they were here at the house and he had a lot of the same interests and seemed like a good guy. I didn't really think much of it after that, but about a week later, he gives me a call and wondered if I was free. And this was just after I had the blow-up with Josh and I was feeling dejected and lonely, so I agreed to meet with him."

"You went out on a DATE?!"

"It wasn't like that... or not really like that. I was miserable and isolated and I just needed to get out of the house and talk to someone, like a normal person. I mean, I knew that he was looking for a date, but I thought I could keep it on a friendly basis and not get into all that. So we met at a bar one night and had a few drinks and just a good time. He's a really funny guy."

"OK," she said, more like a question. "And?"

"So nothing happened while we were there. We just talked and had some laughs. But on the way out when I was getting ready to leave, he... um... he... kissed me goodnight."

Lauren's mouth dropped open a bit but said nothing.

"And... uh... it was a real kiss too, not just a peck or anything." I waited a second for a response from Lauren, then continued sheepishly. "And since I'm being honest here now," I let out a nervous laugh, "it turned out not to be one-sided.... I... uh... I actually liked it."

With still no response from her, I babbled on, "I did tell you that I've been having thoughts of attraction to men now. I don't know if it's female hormones or the way my brain is wired now or what, but I'm telling you, this transformation seems to have fully changed me. My thoughts and feelings and everything are different now -- and this is just a drastic example of it. I find myself thinking about Evan since that night and thinking about him in ways that I would have thought about women before when I was still a man."

Finally Lauren spoke up. "Wow. I just don't know what to say. So now, you like a guy and you went out on a date," she said with a curious smile on her face.

"Don't give me a hard time about this," I replied good-naturedly, knowing that she was going to start teasing me. "It's weird enough for me."

"Are you at least using protection?" She did a poor job of stifling a laugh.

"Thanks for being so considerate," I replied sarcastically.

Then Lauren composed herself. "No, seriously, Lee... or I mean, Lea. That seems more appropriate for this conversation, I guess. What were you thinking? I don't even know where to start. OK, maybe I can understand your new feelings and the attraction to men and this guy in particular. If you really have changed completely, I guess that's just going to be natural. But that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Eventually, we hope that you'll get switched back and you don't want to do anything you'll regret afterward, do you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Plus let's look at this from a different perspective, one that goes with your new reality. You're a woman now. The fact of the matter is that you have to be more careful now, as much as I hate to admit it. You can't just go out with some strange guy and not tell anyone. It's unlikely that anything would happen, but what if something DID happen to you, especially in your special circumstances with no one knowing at the time who or where you were. Being smaller now, you're unfortunately not as well equipped to defend yourself as before and you have to accept that reality. And here's another helpful tip for you from a woman's perspective: Going out with a guy because you're upset or lonely is a TERRIBLE idea. If you're in a bad state emotionally, you're not going to make great decisions... especially if you were drinking."

"OK, duly noted," I said, feeling slightly foolish. "I hadn't really thought about that side of it. But he really is a good guy and that evening with him was the best time that I'd had ever since my change. It was the first time I'd been happy in over a month and could just forget about all of this transformation stuff."

"That may be, but you still need to be very careful here, not just because you're a woman but also because of your condition. Please promise me that you won't do anything silly again. Talk to me when you are doing things or if you're not sure about something."

I agreed that I'd keep her in the loop about everything. However at the same time in the back of my mind, not that I was trying to deceive Lauren at all, but I was already wondering if I should call Evan back.

Finally, A Response

2012-01-17T15:56:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a week since I told my best friend Josh about my transformation and I just finally got a response from him. He replied to one of the recent emails I sent him.

All it said was: "I need more time to get my head around this."

At least it's something...

Revealing Myself Again

2012-01-16T11:04:00.000-05:00

After my night with Evan, I was certainly feeling better about myself and not feeling quite as dismayed about my situation. So this weekend, I was emboldened to make another attempt with one of my friends to let them in on my transformation.

Since I hadn't heard from any of my friends about my first confession with Josh, I was assuming that he hadn't passed the word along to anyone about my unexpected transformation. But just in case, I decided to start fresh with someone in a different circle of my friends so I wouldn't have to worry about them being potentially coloured by word of mouth from Josh. So I decided to try with my close friend Lauren. Lauren was someone I'd actually dated a few years back, but we just worked better as friends than as a couple, and luckily we'd managed to stay friends since then. She's a really kind friend and also I thought that maybe a female perspective on this might be a little different (and hopefully better).

I'd decided to take a different tact with it this time too. Firstly I thought maybe a public place might work better. Somewhere private enough to speak together without people overhearing but public enough to hopefully diffuse any potential conflict. So I emailed Lauren to meet me at a coffee shop we'd visit occasionally. It's not usually a busy place and they have some nice deep booths for more privacy. The second thing I did was to give her a bit of a heads-up ahead of time, without giving any details. I'd said in the email that I had "something big" to tell her about. This way, she'd be somewhat braced for big news and it wouldn't catch her completely off guard. Fortunately she was available and we set up a time to meet.

I purposely showed up a little late at the coffee shop knowing that she'd already be there in one of the booths. Lauren is always prompt and the booths were our usual hangout. I could see that she was keeping an eye on the door as I came in. She didn't give me more than a passing glance before continuing to watch for "Lee" though. With a hearty dose of nervousness, I made my way over to her and slid in to sit at the booth with her.

She looked a little surprised to have a stranger sit down with her unannounced, but was gracious about it. "I'm sorry. I'm actually waiting for a friend."

I took a slow breath to calm myself down, then started in. "Hi Lauren. It's me, Lee. Before you freak out, remember how I said I had something big to tell you about. Well this is it. About a month ago, I spontaneously turned into a woman. I haven't figured out how this happened yet but I really needed to tell you, since you're one of my closest friends and I need your support on this."

I could tell that she didn't know whether to laugh or run away, but mostly she was just shocked. A few times, her mouth opened slightly as if she wanted to say something but would just as quickly close again. I knew that she didn't believe me and couldn't figure why this strange girl was doing this.

What had really been the clincher with Josh was when he finally was able to recognize that faint physical resemblance to my old self, so I'd already decided beforehand to try that first with Lauren. I jumped back in to end the silence between us. "Lauren, please just REALLY look at me. Can you see that it's me in here? Here's that old scar under my lip. And look me in the eyes. Can't you see the traces of me, even in this female body?"

Lauren stared at me for several seconds without a word. But I could see the wheels turning and that she was quickly turning from a sceptic to a believer. She blanched and her mouth dropped open as the realization hit her. For a second, I thought that she might pass out on me as her eyes seemed to glaze over. But she came to somewhat, enough to utter, "L-Lee? But... wha... I.... Is it... Is it you?"

I cautiously reached across the table and settled my hand on hers to try to sooth her. She reflexively startled slightly, but left her hands where they were and allowed me to settle her. "Yeah, it really is me, Sprite," I used the nickname I'd had for her for years. "Back last month when I had that bad flu, this is what it turned out to be. I was laid up for over a week and, at the end of it, I eventually woke up one day as a woman. I've been avoiding everyone since then and trying to figure it all out and come to grips with it."

"But... I don't understand... That's not possible," she said, still stammering a bit from the initial shock.

"That's what I would have said too before this happened, but here we are -- both wrong," I smiled, hoping to diffuse the situation.

Lauren started to regain her composure and think a bit more clearly. "Well, are you OK? Are you hurt at all? I... I'm sorry, I don't even know what to ask."

I told her that I was OK overall and filled her in with as much information as I had about the actual transformation and the time leading up to it. She took it all in better than I could have hoped. Fortunately, I think her concern for my welfare overshadowed the seeming impossibility of the situation.

Then something occurred to her and she looked kind of uncomfortable. "I hate to ask this, but you're not... ALL female, are you? I mean, I can see that you look female and have breasts and everything, but that's it, right? You're still a man, right?" she inquired.

I realized then that she wasn't completely clear the extent of this. I hadn't really detailed the changes and had just talked about my physical transformation in general terms. So I filled her in, "Sprite, I'm really 100% female now. I have female genitalia now, not male. My body has COMPLETELY changed. I had my period last week, for Christ's sake! I've been fully transformed somehow. I've even had different thoughts and feelings than I've ever had before and I don't even want to get into all of that with you yet. It's still me but I've become a woman now, in all respects as far as I can tell. I've come to realize that over the last few weeks."

Then it really sunk in for Lauren. I could see tears welling up in her eyes as she was overcome emotionally by the craziness of it all. But she was trying to stay strong. "This is unbelievable," she finally said. "I... I just didn't realize..." her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, trust me. This hasn't been easy to accept and I've been trying for a month now. I've only recently been coming to grips with it."

"Have you been to a doctor or anything about it? Someone must be able to do something."

"I can't. All of my ID says that I'm male and, even if I try to go to a doctor who doesn't know me, they're going to see that on my ID or in my health records and think I'm trying to do some kind of health care fraud. And even if I get past that, what am I going to tell them? They'll think I'm crazy since there's no way I'll be able to prove to them who I really am or what happened to me."

"My god," she said, comprehending the difficulty of my situation. "Have you told anyone else?"

"Yes, you remember my friend Josh? I tried to tell him a few days ago. It didn't go so well and he stormed out. I haven't been able to talk to him since," I got choked up on that last sentence. Now it was my turn to get emotional and I suddenly felt tears spring to my eyes as well. But I'd be damned if I was going to cry in public, so I took a few deep breaths and pulled myself together.

Then Lauren comforted me. "It's OK, Lee," she said, gripping my hands. "We'll figure this out. What can I do?"

"You're already doing it," I said, sniffling and wiping away a tear. "You have no idea how good it feels to be able to tell you all of this and have you backing me up. It's just so amazing to have a friend to talk to again."

"OK then, here's what I'm going to," she said, as the idea popped into her head, "and I don't want any arguments. When we're done here, I'm going to swing by my place to pick up a few things and then I'll come over to your place. That way, we can talk as long as you want and I'll just stay over in your spare room. It would make me feel a lot better knowing that you weren't alone there in your house. Plus I want to know EVERYTHING. Maybe there's something you're missing being too close to the situation or something, I don't know. But I'll do whatever I can."

Lauren has always been probably my most considerate friend and it really touched me that she wanted to help out like this. There was certainly no way that I was going to disagree with her on this. "Thanks, Sprite. You have no idea how much I need that right now. You're not getting any argument for me.

So that night, we talked late into the night. I filled her in about the new name I was using, my trips out of the house and my attempts to find the solution to my problem. She didn't even laugh at me for sending away the money for that magic potion, even though I told her I would understand if she wanted to. I told her almost everything, with the exception of Evan. I sort of touched briefly about my thoughts of attraction towards men, just to let her know the extent of my change. However I don't even really know how I feel about that yet, let alone telling someone else about it. And I'm certainly not ready to tell her that I basically went out on a "date". I wasn't trying to hide it from her or lie about it, but it's just too soon and too confusing to talk about yet.

The next morning, Lauren told me that she was going to stay with me at my house for a little longer. She wanted to be there to help me work things out and help with anything that might need a woman's perspective. But mostly she wanted to be there for moral support. She ended up bringing a couple of suitcases over from her place so I'm not sure how long she'll be here. However I'm more than happy to have her as long as she wants to stay, so I haven't even asked.

An Unexpected Outing

2012-01-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I think I did something foolish. Or maybe it wasn't foolish. I'm just not sure what I'm thinking anymore.

After my blow-up with Josh, I was feeling hurt and confused. My self-image was more skewed than ever and my ego was completely shattered. And with Josh reacting the way he did, I certainly wasn't ready to try that again any time soon. But I just couldn't continue to seal myself in a bubble without any human contact. I needed to get out. I needed to try to forget my problems for a bit. But mostly, I needed to be accepted.

So after much internal debate and about a half-hour of nervous pacing, I did something I wouldn't have thought I'd ever do -- I called Evan back. It seemed to make perfect sense at the time. He was completely separate from my old life so there was no need to have to get involved in any of that. I could just talk to him as a normal person. Plus he seemed like a good guy so I could at least count on him to be nice to me, which I desperately needed for the current state of my self-esteem. I'm not stupid and I knew that he was really looking for a date, but I thought that I could diffuse that easily enough and keep it casual.

Evan seemed very happy to hear from me when I called. And after an animated conversation, I suggested that we meet later at a local bar for a few drinks. I was familiar with the place. It's just a sports bar that's fairly casual and well-lit, so I was sure that it wouldn't send the wrong message.

When I went out, I tried to look as casual as possible because (again) I didn't want to give Evan the wrong impression. Even though I'm a woman now, I wasn't wearing any makeup. Of course, I've never worn any since the change, but I just wanted to give you a clear picture. I'd tied my hair back in a ponytail, although that wasn't abnormal either since I'd already been doing that occasionally lately anyway just to keep it out of my face. And I was wearing my usual jeans and T-shirt, since those are the only new clothes I own. I hated to admit it, but I think I still looked pretty good, even trying to play it down. It was a casual, sporty look but I'd have to say that I still looked cute.

When I arrived at the bar, Evan was already there. I'd hoped to get there before him to get a seat at the bar, so it wasn't quite so private. But unfortunately, he beat me to it and he'd already gotten us a table. I wasn't concerned though. He greeted me warmly and even held out my chair for me (it's hard getting used to that kind of thing).

(I know it likely sounds from all of my preparations that I was trying to avoid him, so why go out in the first place? In reality, I was happy and excited to be seeing him again. These are just a number of my thought processes leading up to this and my level of caution.)

It felt good to talk to someone again, but it was particularly good to talk with Evan. He really seemed to be a decent, genuine guy. And it turned out that he was hilarious as well. I hadn't really noticed when we talked before (maybe he was on his best behaviour during the appointment) but he has a really dry sense of humour and is quick with it too. It wasn't long before he really had me laughing harder than I had in over a month, which was great for taking my mind off things.

We really had a lot in common going by our last conversation and we were able to just pick up where we left off. Through the evening, I managed to avoid most discussions about my personal life by redirecting the conversation. For anything else, I either told the truth when it still made sense or outright lied when it didn't. I did find out more about Evan though. He'd lived in the area for most of his life except while away at school. It turns out that he's two years older than me and has a brother and a sister. He seems to be quite a smart guy too and has his degree in Environmental Sciences, along with some other accreditations that I don't recall.

Before I knew it, almost two hours had passed like it was a minute and I was three beers in. It wasn't until I stood up to go to the bathroom that I noticed the effect the drinks had on me. Normally, three beers in that time span wouldn't have meant much. But apparently with my new smaller body, it turned out that I'm more of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I wasn't drunk, but I was certainly more than a little unsteady. In fact, I stumbled a bit getting up as I misjudged where my chair was. Evan was quick to jump up and steady me. I thanked him with a smile but still felt embarrassed, not only because I'd almost tripped but also because I'd let myself get drunker than I'd wanted.

Upon making it to the bathroom, I had a flash of reality and decided I'd better call it a night. Even though this was the best I'd felt in a long time, I really didn't want to press my luck. In the back of my mind, I still felt the paranoia of being found out, so it was time to get out while things were still good. Also given all of the new things I'd experienced since my transformation, there was part of me that didn't trust myself. I never knew when something unexpected would turn up. And even though I thought I kept everything quite platonic through the evening, you never know how another person is feeling. The buzz I had going didn't help with my trust issues either.

I didn't want to offend Evan by bailing out suddenly on him though so, after returning to the table, I tried to keep it light-hearted. "I think I'm going to call it a night. It seems that I'm too drunk for good judgment," I chuckled.

Evan was a little surprised. "Oh, OK. It's still fairly early. Everything OK?"

"No, everything's fine, really. In fact, this is the most fun I've had in a while to be honest with you." Then I lied, "I just have to get up early tomorrow, so I really should head out."

I could tell he was a bit disappointed but he was good about it. "That's cool. I completely understand."

"I think I'm going to have to grab a cab though. Apparently I can't hold my liquor," I grinned.

"Let me give you a lift. I'm fine to drive. And I know where you live," Evan laughed.

"I appreciate it, but I don't want you going out of your way. There are cabs out front so I'll be fine, really."

"Well, the least I can do is walk you out."

So we settled up the bar tab. Even though I put up a fight with him, Evan wouldn't let me pay. Out of force of habit, I let slip, "Well, I'll get it next time," but then immediately reproached myself for it.

Walking out to the cab stand, Evan rested his hand on my lower back to gently guide me through the bar. I must have been a little more unsteady-looking than I thought. It felt nice to have someone looking after me.

There was already a cab available when we got there, so we needed to say a quick goodbye. Evan moved in close to me saying, "I had a really great time tonight."

"Me too," I smiled back at him.

Before I realized it was even happening, he leaned in close and gently pressed his lips to mine. My heart rate immediately shot up and I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I was panicked but excited at the same time. I didn't lean into Evan myself, but I certainly didn't retreat from the kiss either. As much as I can't believe I'm saying it, he certainly wasn't the only participant in it. The kiss probably only really lasted for a few seconds, but it felt longer. Then as much as I didn't want to at the time, I backed away a bit and broke contact.

With our faces still close together though, Evan asked in almost a whisper, "Can I see you again?"

And before sliding into the cab, the answer that escaped me was a surprise, even as it came out of my mouth.

"Yes."

Revealing Myself

2012-01-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had a visit from my best friend Josh. Here's a recap of it as accurately as I can recall and relate it.

I'd decided beforehand to at least get Josh in the house before I started explaining myself. When Josh rang my doorbell, he looked a bit surprised at first to see a woman greeting him at the door. So he introduced himself and asked if Lee was in. I told him he was and invited him in, but obviously didn't bother to introduce myself in return.

He came in and had a seat in my living room. I could tell he was a little puzzled and he finally said cautiously, "So... how do you know Lee?"

I was unbearably nervous. And now that I'd finally committed to revealing my transformation, I really wanted to get it overwith as quickly as possible. I'd rehearsed it more than a dozen times in my head what I wanted to say to him and how to say it to cushion the blow and make the whole situation make the most sense. But now that he was actually there, my anxiety got the better of me and all that preparation went to hell. I just blurted out, "Josh, it's me -- Lee."

He just stared at me blankly and silently for a few seconds. I pulled myself together a bit and tried to start over, "I know, you think I'm crazy. You're probably thinking 'Who is this strange girl and what has she done with Lee?' but please just give me a few minutes to explain before you call the cops or something. You know how I had that bad bout of the flu last month. Well, it wasn't the flu. I don't know what it was or what happened, but I was laid up for over a week and I think I was even in a coma for a few days. And when I came to, this is what happened to me. I woke up and had a woman's body. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true. I've been hiding out at home ever since, trying to figure everything out and decide what to do about it."

As I explained myself, I could see a bit of a smile slowly creep across Josh's face. "Wow, that's some story", he chuckled somewhat half-heartedly. "OK Lee," he called out in no particular direction. "Nice joke! Now come out and stop fucking with me. I'm not buying it."

I immediately started in again, "Josh, I'm serious. It really IS me. I can prove it. Remember back in university that time when you got so drunk that you proposed to that waitress. I was the only other one there, so who but me would know that? Or what about when my Dad was killed in the accident? You hung out with me that whole night out on my back patio since I couldn't face getting phone calls from other people about it. Or how about that I know that you sucked your thumb until you were seven?" I'd prepared ahead of time by coming up with a list of some personal things that only I would know.

Josh definitely looked a little confused and uncertain, but he wasn't giving in yet, "OK, so Lee told you some personal stuff. So I'm supposed to accept this, right? Is he videotaping this so he can hold it over my head for rest of my life that I bought this story of his? It was a nice try though."

"Ask me anything, Josh. It's really me."

"OK, what's my favourite movie?"

"You tell most people that it's Chinatown, but I know you've seen So I Married An Axe Murderer way more often than that," I replied.

"Fine, that was an easy one. What's my grandmother's name?"

"I never met the one on your mother's side but on your father's side, her name was Dorothy. We used to go over and swim at her pool."

"When was the last time you saw her?" he quickly snapped back.

"That's a bit of a trick question," I replied confidently. "I guess technically it would have been about two years ago at her funeral."

Josh started to look a bit shaken at that response, but continued to on, "On that night after your Dad died, what did you tell me that you'd decided to do?"

"I'd said that I changed my mind about quitting university and was going to finish my degree."

At that, Josh's mouth fell open a little in surprise. His questions continued on like this for maybe another ten minutes with each one being more obscure and personal than the last. With each of my correct answers, he seemed to get a little paler and his composure continued to falter. I could see that his resolve was collapsing and the reality of it was sinking in.

As for me, I was feeling more and more upset with all of this personal stuff coming up. Plus the release of finally coming out with the truth after all of my isolation over the last few weeks was making me feel very emotional. Not to mention, the anxiety that came with fighting with my best friend just to convince him that I am who I say I am.

I'd finally had enough of the questions. I pleaded with him, "Isn't that enough for you yet? What else do you need? You can keep asking questions, but I'm just going to keep giving you the right answers. It's me! I don't know how this happened to me, but it did. I've turned into a woman, but it's still me! Just look at me. I mean REALLY look at me. I know that you can still see some of me in there."

Then something occurred to me. "Josh, what about that scar below my lip that I got when we were skating as kids? Look at it! It's still there. It's me! Can't you see it?"

Josh slowly looked up at my face. He'd been half-avoiding eye contact up until now, probably from the discomfort of the whole situation. But now, he finally REALLY looked at me... and saw that what I'd said was true. I could see the recognition in his eyes. As soon as he saw it, I could almost feel the walls come down around him. His face turned a bright red and he stood up with what could have been anger or confusion or both. "This is NOT happening," he stated more quietly than would be expected given his appearance.

I'd never been one to get overly emotional, particularly in front of other people. However I had been getting more and more upset as this went on. But when I finally saw the truth sink in and saw his reaction to it, my emotions finally boiled over and I did something I'd never done before -- I burst into uncontrollable tears.

"Josh, I need your help!!" I sobbed.

He visibly flinched. "Oh fucking HELL!!" he burst out, then grabbed his coat and stormed out of my house.

I was emotionally wrecked and spent the better part of the next hour crying, unable to stop myself. This situation I'm in is so immensely hard to begin with and to have that kind of a response from the first person I tell -- particularly my best friend -- left me shattered. I spent the whole rest of the evening and last night curled up on the couch, drifting in and out of fitful sleep, trying to get over my misery, pull myself together and figure out what to do next.

This morning, I've left Josh two voicemail messages and sent him an email, hoping to get a response from him, any kind of response. But I don't have any acknowledgment from him yet. I'm feeling very hurt and alone right now.

Voicemail Messages

2012-01-09T15:56:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't wanted to have anyone hear my new voice when calling me, I've been screening any calls I get and responding by email or whatever. I got two voicemail messages today though that I've been struggling with -- one not unexpected and one completely surprising.

The first was from my best friend Josh. It was just the usual stuff -- Happy New Year, hadn't talked to you in a while, want to get together sometime soon, etc. I've really been fighting myself all day, but I've decided that I finally have to come clean with someone on this. I've been keeping this whole thing bottled up for so long now and I just need to unburden myself, if nothing else, or I'll go crazy. Since Josh has been my friend for years, it makes sense for him to be the first one I tell about my transformation.

It took me a couple of hours to get up the courage, but I finally sent him an email invite to come over to my place to hang out tomorrow. I immediately panicked after I hit Send, but deep down I know that this is the right thing to do for me. Plus, Josh is an easy-going and accepting guy, so I'm trying to convince myself that it'll go well. I've already started to put together a list of things I can think of to prove who I am since that's the first big hurdle.

As for the second voicemail message, I was completely taken aback. It was Evan! The message was as follows:

"Hi Lea. It's Evan calling, the environmental tech who came by your house last week. I actually called a few days ago but didn't leave a message. But I thought I'd give it another try this time. Anyway, this may sound a bit lame to do this over voicemail but I didn't want to let too much time pass before I reached you. I wanted to see if maybe you wanted to get a drink or dinner with me sometime. So if you're around and free, give me a call at XXX-XXXX. I'd love to hear from you. Hope to talk to you soon. Bye."

I still don't know what to think or feel about this.

It Seems It's Official!

2012-01-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

If I ever had any doubts before that this gender change was full and complete, that doubt is now gone. I just had my first period!!

I didn't even realize it was happening until I looked down and saw this brownsih-red stain on the crotch of my pants. At first, I thought that it was some ill effect of the transformation. I jumped out of my seat and quickly stripped down to examine myself, but of course saw nothing. I inspected myself all around to see if I was bleeding anywhere else and was in the clear. There was only a dull aching down low in my stomach. I actually waited a several minutes in terrified suspense just staring at myself in a mirror, waiting to see what was going to happen to me. But eventually through my racing thoughts, my brain put two and two together and I realized what was actually happening.

It's baffling to me how this is even possible. I mean, I know that my outsides are definitely female, but this just further proves that I'm female throughout. With the unusual thoughts and feelings I've been having, I'd always thought that different hormones could be part of the cause. But now, this really seems to corroborate that I've changed hormonally and chemically as well since, from what I know about menstruation, the process is driven by hormones.

Hopefully this stain will come out and I don't have to make another shopping trip for more clothes. I will have to go out to the store to get some "supplies" though apparently.

Right now, I'm just sitting on a towel to avoid any more accidents in my clothes. Unfortunately before I go to the store, I'm having to do a little research on the Internet to figure out what I actually need. I've seen those feminine product aisles in the store before and there's no way I'm just going to go in there and wing it (sorry, no pun intended).

Magic Potion

2012-01-06T14:27:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm trying something that I feel foolish even admitting to. I've always been very conscious of Internet scams and leery of things that have even a whiff of suspiciousness. Prior to my current state, I would have scoffed at anyone foolish enough to be taken in by certain obvious scam sites and the one I found today would have topped my list. However prior to this, I also would never have thought I could spontaneously transform into a woman either, so my views are a little different now.

The site I found today claims to sell magic spells and potions, one of which is a gender transformation potion. I won't provide a link to it here since this is most likely a hoax and just a way of stealing money from desperate people. It's a crappy looking site overall and not at all trustworthy looking. However at this point, I AM one of those desperate people and I'm willing to try anything to reverse this.

So earlier today, I got some cash out and went to Western Union to send the $450 it cost for the potion. (Even in my desperate state, I wouldn't be foolish enough to give them my credit card info.) In all likelihood, I can kiss that money goodbye, but here's hoping.

The Appointment

2012-01-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

I had my visit from the environmental testing company today. I'd actually booked the appointment shortly before Christmas but this was the earliest one I could get with the holidays and all. They were here for a couple of hours which I took as a good sign since it seemed to me to be a fairly thorough once-over. Since I'm on an 8-acre lot, they took soil and ground water samples from several locations around my property as well as some air quality tests outside. Inside my house, they did a number of air quality tests in the different rooms and from the duct work. They took water samples from the taps inside the house too.

I'm not sure what all they'll be testing for, but I've instructed them to test for everything they can. I know they'll be looking for common pollutants, mould, carbon monoxide, radon, etc. but beyond that it's up to them since I have no idea what I'm even looking for. Apparently I'll get a full report back once all of the tests are complete. At this point though, there's no specific time when this will be finished.

There were two technicians who came for the visit, an older man probably in his 50s and a guy who was probably around my age give-or-take. Since I was following them around asking questions, I got to talking to the younger technician, whose name is Evan. It felt so good to carry on a conversation with someone after being isolated for so long that I just babbled on and on until I realized that was what I was doing. Then I started to ask Evan more about himself so the conversation wasn't all about me. It turns out we have a lot of common interests with similar tastes in movies and fiction.

Looking back on it now, it's hard to tell how much of the conversation from his side was completely sincere though. Not to be cynical but I know how guys are with women. Evan really does seem like a good guy, but I caught him checking out my boobs more than once. I'm not holding that against him though since I know from personal experience that it's practically a reflex with guys. Plus I'd be checking myself out too if it weren't my body. But he did really seem genuine in his interests though and I felt like the conversation went really well. I hope that he didn't feel like I was talking too much. I wouldn't want him to think that I was being too pushy.

....

I'm continuing this post about a half-hour later. I had to take a break to get my head together as I started to realize how I was feeling. It really didn't occur to me at the time while I was talking with Evan but I felt kind of a nervous excitement. I guess I kind of attributed it more to the unusual situation of being in a woman's body or having people in my house for the first time since the transformation or something else. But looking back on it now, I really enjoyed talking to Evan, and not just because I needed someone to talk to.

Especially as I read over how I was writing above, not to sound too stereotypical, but it almost looks like it was written by a teenage girl -- questioning his intentions and what I said and whether or not he likes me. And I realize that I was feeling the same way when I was writing about him as when I was talking with him, with a slight exhilaration and my heart rate racing somewhat.

I need to come clean here, with myself more than anything. There's no use in lying to myself. Here's the reality of it. When talking with Evan and thinking about him, I realize now that it feels the same way (physically and mentally) as I did before as a man when I was with a woman that I liked. To be even more brutally clear and honest, as difficult as it is for me to admit, I'm attracted to him.

But as hard as it is for me to admit these feelings, coming from my former male perspective, the attraction itself doesn't seem to be troubling me. In this way, I must really BE a woman. Whether it's due to hormones or brain wiring or whatever, this attraction feels natural and normal. Like my experience with masturbation before, I feel like I'm thinking and feeling as a woman would, rather than as a man in a woman's body.

I'm confused but, at the same time, intrigued.

Trapped

2012-01-02T05:44:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling kind of panicked today. The reality of certain things are really settling in on me. For instance, most of my identification lists my gender as male so I really don't know how I'm going to function if this change lasts long term. How can I go to the doctor if I ever get sick? How can I renew my driver's licence? How can I travel? And what about any of my banking documentation, mortgage, insurance and everything else? I can't remember but I think most of that would have my gender as male too.

And of course not to mention the fact that eventually I'm going to have to talk to the people in my life and try to explain this. I feel like this is going to have to happen sooner rather than later. Being isolated in my house for the last few weeks with minimal direct human contact is getting me a little squirrelly. Soon I'm going to need to unburden myself to someone besides just this blog. I need to have some kind of support system or I feel like I'll eventually snap.

Happy holidays

2011-12-26T06:19:00.000-05:00

Christmas has been very lonely this year. As I think I've said before, I don't have any close family so Christmas isn't usually a "family" time for me. However I'll usually spend at least some of the time with friends. But I had to email all of my friends that I was travelling for work during the holiday season this year, so I had an excuse to avoid them.

I just can't bring myself to explain this whole gender change to anyone yet. I'm terrified that people won't believe me and that'll lead to even worse troubles, like being out of a job, a place to live, etc., etc., etc.

So, Merry Christmas to me.

My First Time In Women's Clothes

2011-12-23T05:45:00.000-05:00

I made my second trip out in public yesterday. In part, it was to get more food. But the main reason to go out was to buy someclothes for my new female body.

I know that, unless something changes soon, I'm going tohave to continue on as a woman, which will of course require me to go out ofthe house occasionally. It would beridiculous, not to mention awkward and uncomfortable, to continue wearingclothes that aren't even close to fitting.

But what really pushed me into this decision was theincreasing discomfort I was feeling. Strange as it sounds, my nipples were getting very sensitive and tenderfrom being loose in my shirts all of the time. My breasts are large enough that their movement is causing too muchrubbing. So as much as I can't believeI'm saying it, I came to the decision that I needed a bra to contain and coverthem. Once I accepted the reality ofthat decision, I figured that I should get other clothes that fit properlywhile I was at it, ones that suited my new gender.

So I hit the mall in spite of the Christmas crowds, dressedin what I'd hoped was the least conspicuously odd outfit I could puttogether. I went to a large departmentstore first, thinking that I could take care of all of my needs in oneplace. Plus I thought I'd be a littlemore anonymous and receive less attention in a bigger store. I was immediately overwhelmed though, noteven knowing where to begin or what to buy.

After probably 10 minutes of anxiously and aimlesslywandering around the store, an older saleswoman approached me and asked if Ineeded help. Judging by her kindlymanner, my guess is that I must have looked completely lost. Luckily I'd planned a fake story ahead oftime that I'd lost all of my clothes in a fire. I figured that way it would explain my current outfit and lack ofclothes. Plus it would hopefully give mesympathy points so they wouldn't give me a hard time when they found out Ididn't even know any of my sizes. Itworked like a charm. The saleswoman tookme under her wing and was nothing but nice to me.

So I ended up getting completely outfitted, since I didn'twant to have to do this again any time soon. She started me out in the lingerie department, apparently so I'd beproperly attired to try on other outer clothes. She sized me up by sight and was able to get several sets of panties forme. Then I was measured and fittedproperly for a bra. It turns out I'm a34C. Surprisingly it was somewhatcomforting to have it on for the first while afterward. I didn't feel quite as exposed as I had upuntil then.

For general clothes, I decided to stick with jeans andT-shirts (several of each) as I really don't know what I'm doing when it comesto women's clothes. It's so odd gettingused to the fit though. I'd always beenused to my clothes being a little more roomy. But both the T-shirts and pants were more form-fitting, evenform-hugging. In the new outfits, Irealized I had even more of an hourglass figure than I'd noticed before and theclothes really accentuate it. To keeptrack and document it, my measurements turned out to be 34-24-25 and I'mapparently a size 4, but the size 2 clothes I think seemed to fit OK too, ifonly a little snug. I got myself awinter coat, gloves and boots too (as low of a heel that I could find), just tomake sure I was covered for the next little while.

Before leaving, I changed into some of my purchases andwalked out for the first time in my first real "girl" outfit. Part of me was nervous since obviously thiswas something completely foreign to me. But part of me felt a great sense of relief, not only because I was nolonger wearing those embarrassingly oversized clothes but also because, in someway, the clothes felt more "right" for me. Psychologically speaking, there was a senseof comfort in having clothes that matched my woman's body.

On the way out to my car, I noticed a few men checking meout, even more so than I had previously at the grocery store. As I'd thought, the new outfit definitelyattracted more attention and I guess showed me off better. While I'm not really comfortable with thistype of attention, at least I know that having a new attractive form can makethings somewhat easier for me than things might be if I were otherwise. It's terrible to say but this can be a verysuperficial world and, even prior to this, I knew that attractive people areoften treated differently.

And on top of this, I have to admit that I warmed slightlyas I involuntarily blushed when I could feel the guys' eyes on me. I'm trying to tell myself it's just due to embarrassmentat the attention from being in women's clothes in public but, to be honestdeep-down, there's a part of me that feels that it's not embarrassment at all. What's happening to me?!

A Dubious Theory

2011-12-21T11:14:00.000-05:00

I've found a few links in my research that are somewhat intriguing. They're all from at least a few years ago and seem like quite a huge stretch to my condition of full spontaneous gender transformation, but I'm willing to entertain any possibilities now.

The following links are all related to the possibility of environmental pollutants having endocrine and hormonal impacts and even affecting the ratio of males-to-females being born. It's hard to tell what the validity of these articles are, but at least it gives me some kind of a path to go down.

So to rule this out, I'm trying to find a private environmental assessment company to bring out to do a full test at my house and the surrounding area -- air, water, soil, everything. I don't know whether I hope that they'll find nothing so I know I'm safe or if I hope they do find something so I'll at least have a theory to go with.

Concern for the Male Population
Man-made chemicals blamed as many more girls than boys are born in Arctic
Changes in human sex ratio
Pollution debate born of Chemical Valley's girl-baby boom

Release

2011-12-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

This just happened so I had to get it out there. I've been continuing to research a cause formy gender transformation on the Internet but, as I'd said before, searches on “gendertransformation” tend to get side-tracked to porn frequently enough. Seeing all of this, I continued to getaroused, in spite of me trying to keep my search productive.

The more I saw, the more I felt myself wanting to just cavein to the feelings. So I finally decidedto just go with it and find the release that my body was craving. It was easy enough finding good adult contentsince I'd had some bookmarked from my previous life.

As I watched one video clip after another, my body startedto feel sensitive all over and a warmth spread through me. I cautiously let my hand slide down inbetween my legs and could feel that I was already starting to get wet. I slowly started to rub myself, but justlightly since I was still nervous as this was a completely new experience. The feeling was incredible and I started tolose myself into the rhythm of it. Before I realized it, I had my other hand on my breasts. My nipples were already hard and so sensitivethat it was almost overwhelming to massage them, but I didn't stop.

Soon the gentle rubbing between my legs wasn't enough and Igot faster and firmer. It wasexcruciating in a way I'd never felt before. I lost myself in the feeling. Asa hetero male, I'd never before had any inclination to have anything insertedinto me, but now I could feel that I still needed more. It got to the point that I couldn't take itany longer. I carefully and slowly slidone finger inside me, then two. Almostimmediately, I felt an exquisite explosion as I came. Wave after wave of it hit me. I briefly felt like the aftershocks wouldn'tstop, nor did I want them to. Butfinally it came to an end and left me with a exhilarated feeling of spentsatisfaction.

The whole experience throughout was so different andpowerful. I'd felt orgasms plenty oftimes as a man and always knew what to expect. This time though, physically I could feel my muscles acting andconvulsing differently, particularly through my pelvis. I had a heightened level of energy andsensitivity all over my body that was very different from the feeling ofsensitivity I’d always had with a male body.

Also in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to talk aboutmy mental state, which you'll see has me confused. As I got more deeply into the pleasure of it,my mind drifted into fantasy. That's notunusual. However this time, as I watchedthe adult movie, I started fantasizing from the perspective of the woman in themovie. Without realizing it at the time,I saw myself not as a man in a woman's body, but actually as a woman. I was imagining myself being taken by the male actor and wanting more. In the throes of arousal, it seems that mymale self receded and my female body was driving my thoughts.

I really don't understand this. Maybe with this new form, female hormones areimpacting more than just my body physically. Or another thought that occurs to me is that maybe more than just mybody on the outside changed. It could bepossible that my brain was physiologically changed and "re-wired"along with the rest of my body. Or maybeit's one of those strange psychological adjustments the brain makes on its own inthat I started thinking as a woman since my body felt like a woman's. I just don't know how this came about.

However what's more disconcerting than the fact that I wasfantasizing as a woman is the fact that it isn't troubling me more. Maybe it's because it's just so fresh and newand the sensations were so intense and enjoyable, but I really wouldn'thesitate to do it again. And in allhonesty the fantasies, while foreign and confusing, aren't really distressingme to the extent that I'd think they should be.

Back To Work

2011-12-19T11:49:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately the reality of day-to-day life finally hit when I realized that I need to start working again. I've done no work for the better part of the last three weeks, so it's time to get back to it or I'll lose my contracts. Plus I need to start earning money again.

By profession, I'm a senior analyst and I've always worked predominantly freelance on a contract basis. Generally I work with anywhere between two and four different companies at any one time and I do all of my work from home remotely. Currently I'm under contract with two companies, both of which have been very understanding about my "sick time", but it's time to get back to it regardless of my predicament. I still need to earn money to live, regardless of whether I'm a man or a woman.

Given my current state, a huge benefit of working remotely is that almost all of my communications are through email, IM, etc. My phone calls are minimal enough that I can get away with avoiding them altogether without raising any suspicion of any kind.

First Picture Posted

2011-12-16T09:51:00.001-05:00

As you can see, I've now posted a picture of myself that I took. To me, it's like I took a picture of someone else.

The more I can step back and be objective about it, it really seems that my new face and body are quite attractive.

Frustration

2011-12-15T15:45:00.000-05:00

I've been scouring the Internet for some idea of what might have happened to me. There are plenty of fiction sites and "gender bender" movies and things, all of them related to some kind of magical or sci-fi source of the transformation. I have yet to find anything real yet though, not even a trace reference to an actual gender transformation, with the exception of transgender people who undergo surgery etc. to get to that point. I'm going to continue looking though.

Of course, one downside of this kind of search turns out to be there's a lot of adult sites related to this topic. Don't get me wrong -- I certainly enjoy porn as much as the next guy and have spent my own fair share of time on the Internet just for that. But even though I'm really trying to be productive and find some way of understanding my predicament, I find that I'm getting aroused seeing all of this stuff. However it's a different kind of feeling than I'm used to. It's a warmth that's spreading through my whole body and my skin is sensitive and tingling all over.

Here's the real problem though: I'm reluctant to do anything about it. It's ironic. In going through a lot of the fiction and movies on this gender transformation topic, a repeating theme is that the man turns into woman and soon afterward does something sexual with his new body. However the reality of it is that I've had so much shock and stress over this that it really hasn't crossed my mind until now. The other thing is, since my female parts are so new to me, I've been very cautious about touching them or doing anything with them at all. It was hard enough to get used to peeing for the first while.

So for now, this web crawling is just getting me frustrated. Firstly because I'm not finding any information to help me out. And secondly, it's frustrating physically since my arousal keeps building and I'm reluctant to do anything to release it.

Out In Public For The First Time

2011-12-15T09:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I finally had to reveal myself to the outside world and leave the secrecy and privacy of my house. I'd gone through all of the food in the house that I could scrape together and staying home was no longer an option.

I'm sure I looked somewhat ridiculous with the clothes I was wearing. I tried to find the smallest clothes I had, but they were all still too big. So my pants had to be rolled up and cinched in with a belt. I wore a T-shirt so I wouldn't have to worry about the length of the sleeves but it was still way too baggy. Plus it's cold out now too, so of course I had to wear my winter coat, which was even worse than the rest since it was so big. The worst part was the shoes though. There was no getting around that. I had to stuff some socks in the end of my running shoes so they wouldn't be flopping around, but it felt like I was wearing clown shoes.

I tried to convince myself that I didn't look as foolish as I thought by telling myself it probably just looked like a girl borrowing her boyfriend's clothes. But either way, I was incredibly nervous going out in public.

Just to make sure that I didn't have any unforeseen troubles, I drove into a different part of town than I'd usually frequent as my former male self and went to a grocery store that I'd never been to before. I loaded up with as much food as I could since I really want to minimize how frequently I'm out in public right now.

Obviously given that this was the first time out with people seeing my new female body, I was certainly more than a little self-conscious. However I know that I was getting a lot of looks, from both men and women. Understandably, at least some of those would have been because of my crazy outfit. But it definitely went beyond that. I caught at least a couple of men looking me up and down and it wasn't because of my wardrobe -- it was in spite of it. Speaking from my personal male experience, I know that men will go after almost anything that's female, but these guys were checking me out like I was hot. Part of me felt uncomfortable with that kind of attention. However in the spirit of honesty, in the back of my mind there's a small thought that's saying "Well at least if I've become a woman, I turned out to be an attractive one".

Since my credit card has my actual name of "Lee" on it, I was able to get away with using it to pay for my groceries without having to get into any difficult conversations about whose card it was.

Once I was home, I felt much better about the whole outing. Before going out, I was a nervous wreck and thought that everyone would be staring and realizing that I was an impostor of a woman. But after being out in public for a bit, that tension eased up as I realized that people just saw me as an actual woman with nothing unusual, besides maybe my clothes. The next outing will be much easier, I think.

Isolation

2011-12-13T16:59:00.000-05:00

I still have yet to tell anyone about this transformation. I don't have any close family to speak of and I don't know what I'd tell my friends -- or if they'd even believe who I was.

Besides, until I can come to grips with this myself, I don't even know how I'd be able to speak to anyone intelligently about it or convince them that it was me. I thought about getting medical help, but I'm sure I'd just end up being committed to a mental ward.

On the plus side, I live on an 8-acre lot about 20 minutes out of the city and my closest neighbour is 2 km away. So, not that I've even considered leaving the house yet, but at least I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me and wondering who I am.

Detailing The Changes

2011-12-13T09:21:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm attempting to be rational about this and get all of the details down in the hopes that it will start to make a little more sense. I'm trying to remain as objective as possible too, just to keep from going completely mad.

For the record, my name is Lee Wildersen and I'm 26 years old. I know this likely sounds strange, but I'm using the name "Lea" (pronounced LEE-ah) here to help compartmentalize things in my head. You have no idea how difficult it is psychologically to think of yourself in terms of one gender when you're so obviously the other gender physically. Please don't think this is a sign of acceptance on my part at all. On the contrary, I'm spending every waking hour trying to understand this so I can possibly reverse it. The problem is though that my sense of self is so drastically fractured now. So this is one way I've found that works to help alleviate at least a small bit of anxiety and free my mind up somewhat.

Let me detail some of the physical changes:

In my face, I can still recognize some of my old appearance, just traces of familiarity in the eyes and general facial structure. The small faint scar just under my lower lip that I've always had is still there. However more has changed than has stayed the same. My face has softened quite a lot. My usually angular checkbones and jawline have evened out and plumped a bit. My nose has narrowed and my lips have become a lot fuller. And my eyes seem to have widened or opened up more or something as well. I can't really put my finger on it but they certainly draw attention into them more than I remember from before. My hair has stayed the same colour (dark brown) but has grown substantially longer, past my shoulders, even though on the flip side I seem to have lost the hair on most of the rest of my body.

And it's with my body that the most radical and fundamental changes have occurred. I don't recognize anything of my former self there. I can now see that, during that three-week period, my body must have been shedding a substantial amount of its mass. Prior to this transformation, I was 5'10" and around 175 lbs. However now, I'm barely 5'6" and weigh in at only 115 lbs. It's so hard getting used to this overall size difference. I feel so much lighter and more free in my movements, but at the same time, I haven't yet been able to adjust my equilibrium to account for the changes in height, weight, center of gravity, etc. Since the change, I've been feeling very clumsy, but I'm getting better as time goes on.

The shape of my body is obviously very different as well. I'm not really good with these kinds of things so I don't really know what (for lack of a better term) my "female measurements" are. I feel very awkward getting through this next stuff but I really want to document everything to give the full picture. Firstly, my breasts seem to be a good size. I couldn't tell you what size but, coming from a man's perspective, they look nice for my frame. My hips and butt have rounded out as well, so that I look fairly curvy. With my fuller hips and butt, my pants seem to hug at that point, but they're far too big at the waist. I normally wear a size 34 pants, so I can only assume that my hips are maybe slightly more than that and my waist is maybe 8-10 inches less than that.

Of course lastly, my male genitalia has been replaced with female genitalia.

I really can't make myself go into any more detail on this. The longer I write here, the more anxious it's making me, to the point now that I can almost feel an anxiety attack coming on. Need to quit for now.

The Beginning

2011-12-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

Please believe me that I can't believe it myself that I'm typing these words: I woke up three days ago and was no longer male. I now have a woman's body!!

As near as I can figure, this transformation must have started about three weeks ago. It started with me feeling run down and lethargic. Then it quickly seemed to get worse and I lost my appetite. I could barely eat anything for the better part of a week. I thought it was just a really bad bout with the flu and decided to ride it out as usual.

After a week of struggling through, it got drastically worse. I couldn't keep anything down and seemed to be throwing up even when I hadn't eaten anything. My clothes felt like they were hanging off me so I knew I was losing weight. My whole body seemed to ache and I spent half the time sleeping in a difficult, restless sleep. I was completely housebound for almost a week, feeling worse than I'd ever felt in my life.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep. It was by far the deepest sleep I've ever had as I have no recollection of the time at all. I hesitate to say this since it's obviously just speculation, but I may have even been in a coma.

When I finally came to (I found out afterward that it was 3 days later), I felt more like my old self -- at least health-wise -- since the symptoms seemed to have broken and I was feeling good again. However I very quickly found out the real problem... that I no longer had my old body and I had a female body instead!

I've spent the last three days trying to get over the shock and trying to come to grips with what's happened. Since I've always kept a blog before and it was a good outlet for me, I decided to start this one. I'm hoping this will help me to keep my sanity and also document what's happening to me.

More to come once I can get my head straight.