Let me back up a bit to before I found out exactly what DEHP was all about. Back to when Evan first explained the test results to me.
My first reaction was sheer anger. I was incensed at RAMJAC, not only for exposing me to whatever this was but also for participating in some kind of organized cover-up. This document proved that the one I received was a forgery, falsified so I'd be in the dark about the toxic spill. However mixed in with that was a feeling of panic. What had I been exposed to? Was I at any health risk? And did this have anything to do with my transformation (although I'm sure now that it did)?
Evan had all of the same feelings, but his biggest concern was for my health. He immediately insisted that I see a doctor to get tested for exposure to DEHP. I feel bad about it now but I snapped at him, telling him, "You don't get to insist anything about this. It's my body and I'll decide what I need to do." It was a reflex reaction that, no doubt, was due to already being in a state of outrage over the whole thing. Also I know that part of it was because I knew I couldn't go to a doctor since "Lea" doesn't really exist and has no health coverage. But I'm sure that some of my reaction was left over hurt at the fact that Evan knew about the spill a while back and didn't tell me.
Seeing the wounded look on his face, it was as if I'd slapped him. "I'm sorry, Lea. You're absolutely right. I'm not trying to make any decisions for you. I just think you need to know if your health is in any risk."
I felt guilty at hurting him, but still had my back up so I stood my ground. "I feel fine. I'll get checked out when I have a chance. But right now, my only concern is these fuckers at RAMJAC. A spill is one thing, but they launched an active campaign to cover it up. And it seems like they're directing it against me. They need to be called out on this. I don't care how big they are. They need to be held accountable!"
Josh jumped in at this point, backing me up, "Yeah, we have some evidence now of what's happened. We just need to keep digging. We can get these guys."
"OK, I understand," Josh said. "I'll let this go for now. But I'm not going to let it go forever. I hope that it doesn't upset you, but I care about your welfare and I want to make sure you're alright. But I'll drop it for now."
"Sorry, Evan. I didn't mean to snap at you, but this whole thing is frustrating and confusing, to say the absolute least. I'm just not ready to deal with health issues right now." Then another thing occurred to me, "Plus we haven't even considered that we got this information illegally. Visiting a doctor requires explanations. What am I going to tell them when they ask why I want to be tested? I'm sure that a toxic spill would have to be reported in some way. And to be honest, I'm not ready to have this reported. If RAMJAC is approached about it by some environmental agency or whomever, we risk losing our access and our advantage. I just can't risk having anything documented at this point."
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Finally -- Some Answers
It took some digging and tracing but, at last yesterday, I got some answers!!
Having Dobbs's ID gave us much more access than we'd had before. After some general scans, Josh was able to find Gamble's folders on the network at RAMJAC. There was really nothing of interest in there. However once he found that, he was able to audit the activity on the files in that folder which gave him the name and IP address of Gamble's workstation. From there, it was an easy thing to pull Gamble's password off his computer, which then gave us not only access to Gamble's computer, but also anything on the network that he had access to.
With Evan's help, we were able to track down and access the thing we were most interested in -- the sealed and confidential environmental assessment that was done on my property. It was all technical without the written summary like on the version I got, so it meant absolutely nothing to me. Evan started to pore through the 30-page document as soon as we found it. I was just watching him for some kind of reaction. About two-thirds of the way through it, I got that reaction, as I saw all of the blood drain out of Evan's face. I asked him what it was. He stammered a bit and asked me to wait until he'd read the whole report.
Once he'd finished going through it, he paused and took a deep breath. In the brief minute or two that it took him to read the rest of the report, I had become almost hysterical with worry. And before Evan started speaking, it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at him to tell me what he saw.
Then Evan started explaining what the report had to say. All of the tests in this version were within acceptable levels just as in the one I'd received originally. However there was one major exception -- the tests on my water turned up something. There was an organic compound called Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate which had levels that were almost 40 times higher than the levels normally considered toxic!
Later last night after Evan had left, I researched more about DEHP (as it's normally abbreviated to). Below is a Wikipedia link with more details. It's generally used in making many plastics, which makes sense since it's RAMJAC, but here's the most important part: It's known to be a xenoestrogen, which means it's a chemical that imitates estrogen. And as you can see from this Wiki page, it's been linked to having feminizing effects in people and animals!!
Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (DEHP)
As soon as I saw this, my legs went weak. My head was swimming and it felt like the world was tilting around me. I thought I might throw up or possibly pass out. But I steadied myself against the desk and let the feelings slowly pass. This had to be what caused my transformation into a woman! It all made sense now. I know that I originally thought that maybe this was a possibility when I found those articles online, which was why I got the environmental survey in the first place. But part of me always thought that it was a bit of a long-shot. But here it was, proof that I had been exposed to something. And that something had proven feminizing effects.
RAMJAC's toxic spill somehow did this to me. Since my house is in a rural area, I'm not on the municipal water system. I have well water at my place. There's a filtration system in place, but obviously it's not going to catch everything. Whatever kind of leak RAMJAC had must have gotten into the ground water and made it's way to my property. Who knows how long I'd been exposed to it or how bad the exposure was.
Fortunately though, I didn't find out about the feminizing effects of DEHP until after Evan left. I'm sure that my reaction would have given away that something more was going on with me. I'll write about his reaction and our discussion later. Right now, my mind is swimming.
At this point, I'm still at a loss as to what to do next. Who can I contact, if anyone? Is there anything I should do? Is my health at more risk?
Having Dobbs's ID gave us much more access than we'd had before. After some general scans, Josh was able to find Gamble's folders on the network at RAMJAC. There was really nothing of interest in there. However once he found that, he was able to audit the activity on the files in that folder which gave him the name and IP address of Gamble's workstation. From there, it was an easy thing to pull Gamble's password off his computer, which then gave us not only access to Gamble's computer, but also anything on the network that he had access to.
With Evan's help, we were able to track down and access the thing we were most interested in -- the sealed and confidential environmental assessment that was done on my property. It was all technical without the written summary like on the version I got, so it meant absolutely nothing to me. Evan started to pore through the 30-page document as soon as we found it. I was just watching him for some kind of reaction. About two-thirds of the way through it, I got that reaction, as I saw all of the blood drain out of Evan's face. I asked him what it was. He stammered a bit and asked me to wait until he'd read the whole report.
Once he'd finished going through it, he paused and took a deep breath. In the brief minute or two that it took him to read the rest of the report, I had become almost hysterical with worry. And before Evan started speaking, it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at him to tell me what he saw.
Then Evan started explaining what the report had to say. All of the tests in this version were within acceptable levels just as in the one I'd received originally. However there was one major exception -- the tests on my water turned up something. There was an organic compound called Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate which had levels that were almost 40 times higher than the levels normally considered toxic!
Later last night after Evan had left, I researched more about DEHP (as it's normally abbreviated to). Below is a Wikipedia link with more details. It's generally used in making many plastics, which makes sense since it's RAMJAC, but here's the most important part: It's known to be a xenoestrogen, which means it's a chemical that imitates estrogen. And as you can see from this Wiki page, it's been linked to having feminizing effects in people and animals!!
Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (DEHP)
As soon as I saw this, my legs went weak. My head was swimming and it felt like the world was tilting around me. I thought I might throw up or possibly pass out. But I steadied myself against the desk and let the feelings slowly pass. This had to be what caused my transformation into a woman! It all made sense now. I know that I originally thought that maybe this was a possibility when I found those articles online, which was why I got the environmental survey in the first place. But part of me always thought that it was a bit of a long-shot. But here it was, proof that I had been exposed to something. And that something had proven feminizing effects.
RAMJAC's toxic spill somehow did this to me. Since my house is in a rural area, I'm not on the municipal water system. I have well water at my place. There's a filtration system in place, but obviously it's not going to catch everything. Whatever kind of leak RAMJAC had must have gotten into the ground water and made it's way to my property. Who knows how long I'd been exposed to it or how bad the exposure was.
Fortunately though, I didn't find out about the feminizing effects of DEHP until after Evan left. I'm sure that my reaction would have given away that something more was going on with me. I'll write about his reaction and our discussion later. Right now, my mind is swimming.
At this point, I'm still at a loss as to what to do next. Who can I contact, if anyone? Is there anything I should do? Is my health at more risk?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Social Engineering
Josh's next idea to get access to RAMJAC's network was to take a less technical route. With a company of RAMJAC's size, everyone certainly wouldn't know everyone in the organization, even at just one location. That made using a social engineering approach to talk his way in that much easier.
Here's how it worked: We basically needed to impersonate another employee and use their credentials to access what we wanted. Since we already had access to some employee information, we were able to use it to find just the right person to masquerade as. We found another VP of Research and Development named Walter Dobbs. He was perfect for this for two reasons -- one, since he had a similar role in the company, he would likely have access to the same things as Gamble, and two, Dobbs was away on vacation this week.
So yesterday, Josh waited until late in the evening when the after-hours help desk support (rather than the normal daytime crew) would be on staff. He then called the help desk, using a number we also found on their network, and posed as Dobbs. He told them who he was (including his position of VP) and complained to them that his network access was no longer working. It was really quite a performance that he put on, acting all annoyed and blustery. He was on the phone with the help desk tech for probably 20 minutes "unsuccessfully testing his connection". By the end of it though, Josh had managed to get from the help desk tech the direct VPN connection and credentials (so he wouldn't need to go through Evan's company any more) as well as having them reset Dobbs's network password so that Josh now had it. After hanging up, Josh smiled at me saying, "It's so much easier when they just give you access."
We'll starting digging deeper now.
Here's how it worked: We basically needed to impersonate another employee and use their credentials to access what we wanted. Since we already had access to some employee information, we were able to use it to find just the right person to masquerade as. We found another VP of Research and Development named Walter Dobbs. He was perfect for this for two reasons -- one, since he had a similar role in the company, he would likely have access to the same things as Gamble, and two, Dobbs was away on vacation this week.
So yesterday, Josh waited until late in the evening when the after-hours help desk support (rather than the normal daytime crew) would be on staff. He then called the help desk, using a number we also found on their network, and posed as Dobbs. He told them who he was (including his position of VP) and complained to them that his network access was no longer working. It was really quite a performance that he put on, acting all annoyed and blustery. He was on the phone with the help desk tech for probably 20 minutes "unsuccessfully testing his connection". By the end of it though, Josh had managed to get from the help desk tech the direct VPN connection and credentials (so he wouldn't need to go through Evan's company any more) as well as having them reset Dobbs's network password so that Josh now had it. After hanging up, Josh smiled at me saying, "It's so much easier when they just give you access."
We'll starting digging deeper now.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Getting In
Over the weekend, we started on our plan to get access to RAMJAC. The first thing Josh did was to do a thorough inspection and scan of all of his own systems. Given that I had that spyware on my computers, he was right to be cautious about it just in case. Luckily though, his systems were all clean.
I'd invited Evan over to Josh's place so that Josh could get whatever information he needed. On the phone, Evan asked a few questions about Josh and I got a sense of where it was leading. Before it became an issue though, I thought I'd put a stop to it, saying, "Evan, Josh is just a friend. Trust me, there'd never be anything between him and me. I'm only staying at his place since I don't trust my house." He backpedaled a bit after that, but I knew we wasn't too bent out of shape, more just trying to get a sense of Josh and my relationship.
As for Josh's take on Evan visiting, he didn't say much about it, but he didn't seem tense or upset at all. When Evan showed up, I leaned in reflexively and gave him a quick kiss, but instantly felt awkward since Josh was right there with me at the door. I glanced over and saw that Josh was averting his eyes somewhat, so he was apparently uncomfortable with the situation as well. After the introductions and small talk was made, we decided to get to work.
Firstly Josh got the VPN connection settings at Evan's firm to get him onto the network. There wasn't any concern about using Evan's credentials at this stage since Evan's office is a small one with a meager I.T. department and budget. Therefore, little risk in being caught by any kind of intrusion detection systems.
After that came the trickier part which was getting access to the parent company, RAMJAC. Evan knew that there was definitely connectivity between the two companies, but he neither had access nor needed it. So this is where Josh's experience came into play. His view of Internet security is that the weakest link is always people, so he generally starts with the assumption that someone has done something wrong or has forgotten to do something. It's usually quickest to look for some common user error.
When companies release hardware and software, they generally come with built-in vendor-supplied backdoor or administrator passwords. Often through unintentional negligence, these factory-default passwords aren't changed by the I.T. department once installed. Although this obviously isn't a secure practice, most of the time it might not be a concern. Of course, anyone with access to a list of these kinds of passwords (as Josh does) can potentially gain access. Fortunately for us, this turned out to be the case on the RAMJAC firewall that provided connectivity to Evan's company. And with that, Josh was on their network.
However once he was in, it was difficult to know where to go from there. RAMJAC's network is large and expansive, not to mention the fact that Josh certainly didn't have an all-access pass even though he was on the network. We decided to try to start with the one name which we knew had some involvement in this. It was the name on the forwarded emails which Evan's supervisor showed him -- the person that reported the potential leak and asked for the samples to be sent back to RAMJAC -- Richard Gamble. According to the signature on his email, he was a VP of Research and Development. After about an hour of searching, we were at least able to track down a segment of the network and folder structure that seemed to belong to him. However we couldn't get access to the contents no matter what Josh tried. He just didn't have the clearance with the ID he was using.
After that, we did more of a general search to see what we did have access to, so we could see if there was anything useful to us. We were able to get into some common areas that had some non-confidential employee information and more generic operational information, but that was about it. With this though, Josh had an idea. Of course, we'd been at it for several hours by this time, so we decided to start fresh another day.
I'll post more once we've tried Josh's plan.
I'd invited Evan over to Josh's place so that Josh could get whatever information he needed. On the phone, Evan asked a few questions about Josh and I got a sense of where it was leading. Before it became an issue though, I thought I'd put a stop to it, saying, "Evan, Josh is just a friend. Trust me, there'd never be anything between him and me. I'm only staying at his place since I don't trust my house." He backpedaled a bit after that, but I knew we wasn't too bent out of shape, more just trying to get a sense of Josh and my relationship.
As for Josh's take on Evan visiting, he didn't say much about it, but he didn't seem tense or upset at all. When Evan showed up, I leaned in reflexively and gave him a quick kiss, but instantly felt awkward since Josh was right there with me at the door. I glanced over and saw that Josh was averting his eyes somewhat, so he was apparently uncomfortable with the situation as well. After the introductions and small talk was made, we decided to get to work.
Firstly Josh got the VPN connection settings at Evan's firm to get him onto the network. There wasn't any concern about using Evan's credentials at this stage since Evan's office is a small one with a meager I.T. department and budget. Therefore, little risk in being caught by any kind of intrusion detection systems.
After that came the trickier part which was getting access to the parent company, RAMJAC. Evan knew that there was definitely connectivity between the two companies, but he neither had access nor needed it. So this is where Josh's experience came into play. His view of Internet security is that the weakest link is always people, so he generally starts with the assumption that someone has done something wrong or has forgotten to do something. It's usually quickest to look for some common user error.
When companies release hardware and software, they generally come with built-in vendor-supplied backdoor or administrator passwords. Often through unintentional negligence, these factory-default passwords aren't changed by the I.T. department once installed. Although this obviously isn't a secure practice, most of the time it might not be a concern. Of course, anyone with access to a list of these kinds of passwords (as Josh does) can potentially gain access. Fortunately for us, this turned out to be the case on the RAMJAC firewall that provided connectivity to Evan's company. And with that, Josh was on their network.
However once he was in, it was difficult to know where to go from there. RAMJAC's network is large and expansive, not to mention the fact that Josh certainly didn't have an all-access pass even though he was on the network. We decided to try to start with the one name which we knew had some involvement in this. It was the name on the forwarded emails which Evan's supervisor showed him -- the person that reported the potential leak and asked for the samples to be sent back to RAMJAC -- Richard Gamble. According to the signature on his email, he was a VP of Research and Development. After about an hour of searching, we were at least able to track down a segment of the network and folder structure that seemed to belong to him. However we couldn't get access to the contents no matter what Josh tried. He just didn't have the clearance with the ID he was using.
After that, we did more of a general search to see what we did have access to, so we could see if there was anything useful to us. We were able to get into some common areas that had some non-confidential employee information and more generic operational information, but that was about it. With this though, Josh had an idea. Of course, we'd been at it for several hours by this time, so we decided to start fresh another day.
I'll post more once we've tried Josh's plan.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
More About RAMJAC
I'm just getting around to posting this but Evan and I talked about RAMJAC that night as well. Since it was unusual that the file had been marked confidential, it turns out that he had decided to do some digging on his side as well.
Evan went back to his supervisor Carl to see if he had any more details. Carl was able to dig up the original requisition for the environmental assessment. Normally if the work was referred from another firm, it would be flagged as such. However this request was marked as having come directly from the customer -- Lea Wildersen. Obviously this request wasn't made by me to Evan's firm, so was someone posing as me to make the appointment? Or was the order request forged entirely? This was very disturbing to say the least. I filled Evan in with regards to my appointment being cancelled at the other firm without my knowledge. This news unsettled him more than he'd already been. It also turned out that the request at Evan's firm was made the day after my other appointment was cancelled on me. That's too much of a coincidence!
Carl and Evan are on friendly terms, so he was comfortable with showing Evan a couple of emails he'd received. The first one was forwarded to Carl from one of the partners of their firm and came from a contact within RAMJAC. The email explained that there was a potential spill at the RAMJAC facility near my house. It was thought to be contained and that there was no risk to the public but this was a warning in case any reports of issues came to Evan's firm. It wasn't specified what the leak actually was though. The date on the original email from RAMJAC was the same date that the appointment was supposedly made by me with Evan's firm. Again, too coincidental. The email also said to keep the spill confidential to avoid it going public, since it was already thought to be contained. This was why Carl hadn't originally mentioned it to Evan before.
The second email (again forwarded through the same partner from the contact at RAMJAC) requested that the samples that were taken from my house should be sent back to RAMJAC so that the analysis could be handled internally. Apparently that, in itself, wasn't completely unheard of. However along with everything else, it just seemed to add to the load of circumstantial evidence pointing toward something more.
Between Evan's information and mine, we both agreed that it all lead to something that was, at best, confusing and unusual and, at worst, sinister. After we compared notes on this, I brought up Josh's plan to hack into RAMJAC to do some investigating of our own. At first, Evan was against it, worried about the legal risk to all of us. However I only had to review again what we had already discussed to remind him of the potential risk to the environment... and the potential health risk to me as well. He was convinced.
Now we just need to get together to formulate a plan.
Evan went back to his supervisor Carl to see if he had any more details. Carl was able to dig up the original requisition for the environmental assessment. Normally if the work was referred from another firm, it would be flagged as such. However this request was marked as having come directly from the customer -- Lea Wildersen. Obviously this request wasn't made by me to Evan's firm, so was someone posing as me to make the appointment? Or was the order request forged entirely? This was very disturbing to say the least. I filled Evan in with regards to my appointment being cancelled at the other firm without my knowledge. This news unsettled him more than he'd already been. It also turned out that the request at Evan's firm was made the day after my other appointment was cancelled on me. That's too much of a coincidence!
Carl and Evan are on friendly terms, so he was comfortable with showing Evan a couple of emails he'd received. The first one was forwarded to Carl from one of the partners of their firm and came from a contact within RAMJAC. The email explained that there was a potential spill at the RAMJAC facility near my house. It was thought to be contained and that there was no risk to the public but this was a warning in case any reports of issues came to Evan's firm. It wasn't specified what the leak actually was though. The date on the original email from RAMJAC was the same date that the appointment was supposedly made by me with Evan's firm. Again, too coincidental. The email also said to keep the spill confidential to avoid it going public, since it was already thought to be contained. This was why Carl hadn't originally mentioned it to Evan before.
The second email (again forwarded through the same partner from the contact at RAMJAC) requested that the samples that were taken from my house should be sent back to RAMJAC so that the analysis could be handled internally. Apparently that, in itself, wasn't completely unheard of. However along with everything else, it just seemed to add to the load of circumstantial evidence pointing toward something more.
Between Evan's information and mine, we both agreed that it all lead to something that was, at best, confusing and unusual and, at worst, sinister. After we compared notes on this, I brought up Josh's plan to hack into RAMJAC to do some investigating of our own. At first, Evan was against it, worried about the legal risk to all of us. However I only had to review again what we had already discussed to remind him of the potential risk to the environment... and the potential health risk to me as well. He was convinced.
Now we just need to get together to formulate a plan.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Talk With Evan
I wanted my first talk with Evan to be face-to-face rather than over the phone, so I showed up at his place unannounced. Luckily he was home. After his initial surprise at seeing me at his door, I could see the gladness on his face. However that was somewhat overshadowed by his apparent nervousness, not knowing what I might say.
I was the first one to speak, "Can I come in?"
"Of course, Lea," he said ushering me inside.
Once we were in his living room, I started, "It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say to you. First, I know we haven't really talked yet about where our relationship is going, but let me tell you now: I have very strong feelings for you. I feel very close to you and I hope that you feel the same. But when you told me that you'd been keeping that secret from me, it really hurt me. I felt foolish for putting a level of trust in you that I thought wasn't really there."
I could see that Evan wanted to interject there, but I waved him off, "No, let me finish. Trust me when I say that this is a completely new thing for me and I've never opened myself up to anyone like this before." I couldn't tell him everything, including about my transformation, but wanted him to understand how emotionally new it was. "So I'm kind of psychologically exposed and sensitive, maybe too sensitive. Being in a close emotional relationship like this for the first time may have made me a bit reactive. Not that I'm saying I wasn't justified in being hurt, but I could have been more understanding. So now that I've had more time to think about it, I can understand the position you were in. I'm sure you were in a bad spot with it and I have no doubt that you really believed that I wasn't in any risk. So I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for the way I treated you this last week and that I'm starting to forgive you. However in all honesty, there's still part of me that hesitates now, even though I want to feel that same level of trust I used to feel with you."
Evan was waiting patiently to speak, so I smiled at him, "It's OK. You can talk now."
"Lea, you have no idea how sorry I am about how I hurt you... how I hurt our relationship. I'm not going to make any excuses about my confidentiality agreement or any of that. I know that isn't a good reason. I broke a trust between us and that's completely unacceptable. I couldn't feel worse about that and I'd completely understand if you didn't forgive me. But I'm really happy to hear you say that you're starting to. So let me tell you this: I'm going to do everything I can to rebuild that trust back to where it was before. You said that you hope I feel the same closeness as you. Well, don't even doubt that. I have very strong feelings for you and have had since we met. Not to scare you off or anything but, when I think of the future, I think of my future with you in it."
I moved in close and encircled my arms around his waist. Evan took the positive cue from me and enveloped me in his arms. We stayed that way for a long time.
We talked a lot last night, not about Josh's hacking suggesting yet, but about things in general. We were able to laugh again. I cried some as well, but it was an emotional time. I spent the night at Evan's place, cradled in his arms. He never attempted to make a move or try anything sexual, for which I appreciated his sensitivity. However, now that our relationship was healing again, I would have happily accepted.
I was the first one to speak, "Can I come in?"
"Of course, Lea," he said ushering me inside.
Once we were in his living room, I started, "It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say to you. First, I know we haven't really talked yet about where our relationship is going, but let me tell you now: I have very strong feelings for you. I feel very close to you and I hope that you feel the same. But when you told me that you'd been keeping that secret from me, it really hurt me. I felt foolish for putting a level of trust in you that I thought wasn't really there."
I could see that Evan wanted to interject there, but I waved him off, "No, let me finish. Trust me when I say that this is a completely new thing for me and I've never opened myself up to anyone like this before." I couldn't tell him everything, including about my transformation, but wanted him to understand how emotionally new it was. "So I'm kind of psychologically exposed and sensitive, maybe too sensitive. Being in a close emotional relationship like this for the first time may have made me a bit reactive. Not that I'm saying I wasn't justified in being hurt, but I could have been more understanding. So now that I've had more time to think about it, I can understand the position you were in. I'm sure you were in a bad spot with it and I have no doubt that you really believed that I wasn't in any risk. So I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for the way I treated you this last week and that I'm starting to forgive you. However in all honesty, there's still part of me that hesitates now, even though I want to feel that same level of trust I used to feel with you."
Evan was waiting patiently to speak, so I smiled at him, "It's OK. You can talk now."
"Lea, you have no idea how sorry I am about how I hurt you... how I hurt our relationship. I'm not going to make any excuses about my confidentiality agreement or any of that. I know that isn't a good reason. I broke a trust between us and that's completely unacceptable. I couldn't feel worse about that and I'd completely understand if you didn't forgive me. But I'm really happy to hear you say that you're starting to. So let me tell you this: I'm going to do everything I can to rebuild that trust back to where it was before. You said that you hope I feel the same closeness as you. Well, don't even doubt that. I have very strong feelings for you and have had since we met. Not to scare you off or anything but, when I think of the future, I think of my future with you in it."
I moved in close and encircled my arms around his waist. Evan took the positive cue from me and enveloped me in his arms. We stayed that way for a long time.
We talked a lot last night, not about Josh's hacking suggesting yet, but about things in general. We were able to laugh again. I cried some as well, but it was an emotional time. I spent the night at Evan's place, cradled in his arms. He never attempted to make a move or try anything sexual, for which I appreciated his sensitivity. However, now that our relationship was healing again, I would have happily accepted.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Hacking
I've been thinking a lot about conspiracies since last week, mostly because things around the assessment don't make sense. I can't quite figure out the chain of events or why they might have happened.
Since I've been going over and over events from the last couple of months in my head, one thing occurred to me. I hadn't given it too much thought at the time, more than it being just a major annoyance. But now in a different context, maybe there was more to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post about a month ago, I had a particularly nasty spyware infection on my computers. It was sending screenshots and keystrokes to some remote site. At the time, I took it to be a random event that just happened to hit me, but now that there seems to be something more going on, is it possible that the infection was intentionally meant for me? Is someone spying on me?
I brought it up yesterday with Josh and he immediately reprimanded me for not telling him sooner. This was right up his alley. Like me, Josh is in the I.T. field, but he's more of a hard-core, classic developer by profession. But the reason his interest was particularly piqued was because he also has a bit of a history as a hacker. He'd been doing it for years ever since he was young. He never did anything malicious and it was mostly just to see if he could get access somewhere. And he was generally successful. He has even been hired a few times by various companies to attempt ethical hacking and penetration testing on their networks. So hearing that my systems were infected like this really grabbed his attention. It didn't hurt that Josh tends to be a bit of a conspiracy theorist anyway.
He said I should have told him right away when it happened so that he could have investigated more deeply for me. Of course at the time, I didn't really think too much about it. Plus I had to get my notebooks back in business quickly to be able to work, so I had to take the quick route and reformat and re-install everything. But now Josh was on a tear about this. He said I was too trusting of this kind of thing, not in a critical way, but just trying to be more positive and corrective. To him, this was definitive proof that there was some kind of conspiracy going on and, since the events seem to revolve around RAMJAC, they must be behind the spying. Even though it might sound like the usual conspiracy theory rhetoric, Josh insisted that RAMJAC had the money and self-interest to do whatever they like to whomever they like.
Josh joked that RAMJAC deserved a little of their own medicine and he should spy back on them. And even though he said it as a joke, I saw the light bulb go on in his brain. Suddenly it was not only a challenge, but also a way to "stick it to The Man". I told him that he couldn't do it. I wouldn't have him do anything illegal and get into trouble for me. Of course, part of me was intrigued. Maybe this was finally a way to get some answers. We argued over it for several minutes before Josh insisted he was going to do it whether I liked it or not. Even though I still felt guilty about him risking himself for me, I was glad that he was looking out for me. I reluctantly agreed and thanked him.
So then we started discussing what should be done and how to go about it. It didn't take long though before we were stuck. For a company of RAMJAC's size, where would we even begin? Even if Josh could get access to their systems, what would we look for? It soon became clear that we were going to need someone to guide us and help navigate. That finally brought us around to the topic that the two of us had been avoiding ever since I moved in with Josh -- Evan. He had contacts within RAMJAC and might be able to help us.
Evan had made some attempts to contact me over the last week since our fight, but I'd been avoiding him and refusing to call him back. I felt I wasn't ready to talk to him yet since I still felt betrayed. But now, here's it was, an excuse to reach out to him. And I was thankful to have it. Even though I was still feeling hurt, I knew it was time to talk to him again.
It was good to have an excuse to talk to Josh about Evan as well. Josh is still my best friend and to be excluding part of my life from him didn't seem right. So we talked for a long time about it and, this time, I didn't hold any of my feelings back. I gave Josh the complete picture. I could tell that the topic made Josh uncomfortable, particularly to start. However by the end, I could see that he at least understood my situation and could accept my feelings for Evan, even if he wasn't completely on board.
So now, the next thing to do is to talk to Evan.
Since I've been going over and over events from the last couple of months in my head, one thing occurred to me. I hadn't given it too much thought at the time, more than it being just a major annoyance. But now in a different context, maybe there was more to it. As I mentioned in an earlier post about a month ago, I had a particularly nasty spyware infection on my computers. It was sending screenshots and keystrokes to some remote site. At the time, I took it to be a random event that just happened to hit me, but now that there seems to be something more going on, is it possible that the infection was intentionally meant for me? Is someone spying on me?
I brought it up yesterday with Josh and he immediately reprimanded me for not telling him sooner. This was right up his alley. Like me, Josh is in the I.T. field, but he's more of a hard-core, classic developer by profession. But the reason his interest was particularly piqued was because he also has a bit of a history as a hacker. He'd been doing it for years ever since he was young. He never did anything malicious and it was mostly just to see if he could get access somewhere. And he was generally successful. He has even been hired a few times by various companies to attempt ethical hacking and penetration testing on their networks. So hearing that my systems were infected like this really grabbed his attention. It didn't hurt that Josh tends to be a bit of a conspiracy theorist anyway.
He said I should have told him right away when it happened so that he could have investigated more deeply for me. Of course at the time, I didn't really think too much about it. Plus I had to get my notebooks back in business quickly to be able to work, so I had to take the quick route and reformat and re-install everything. But now Josh was on a tear about this. He said I was too trusting of this kind of thing, not in a critical way, but just trying to be more positive and corrective. To him, this was definitive proof that there was some kind of conspiracy going on and, since the events seem to revolve around RAMJAC, they must be behind the spying. Even though it might sound like the usual conspiracy theory rhetoric, Josh insisted that RAMJAC had the money and self-interest to do whatever they like to whomever they like.
Josh joked that RAMJAC deserved a little of their own medicine and he should spy back on them. And even though he said it as a joke, I saw the light bulb go on in his brain. Suddenly it was not only a challenge, but also a way to "stick it to The Man". I told him that he couldn't do it. I wouldn't have him do anything illegal and get into trouble for me. Of course, part of me was intrigued. Maybe this was finally a way to get some answers. We argued over it for several minutes before Josh insisted he was going to do it whether I liked it or not. Even though I still felt guilty about him risking himself for me, I was glad that he was looking out for me. I reluctantly agreed and thanked him.
So then we started discussing what should be done and how to go about it. It didn't take long though before we were stuck. For a company of RAMJAC's size, where would we even begin? Even if Josh could get access to their systems, what would we look for? It soon became clear that we were going to need someone to guide us and help navigate. That finally brought us around to the topic that the two of us had been avoiding ever since I moved in with Josh -- Evan. He had contacts within RAMJAC and might be able to help us.
Evan had made some attempts to contact me over the last week since our fight, but I'd been avoiding him and refusing to call him back. I felt I wasn't ready to talk to him yet since I still felt betrayed. But now, here's it was, an excuse to reach out to him. And I was thankful to have it. Even though I was still feeling hurt, I knew it was time to talk to him again.
It was good to have an excuse to talk to Josh about Evan as well. Josh is still my best friend and to be excluding part of my life from him didn't seem right. So we talked for a long time about it and, this time, I didn't hold any of my feelings back. I gave Josh the complete picture. I could tell that the topic made Josh uncomfortable, particularly to start. However by the end, I could see that he at least understood my situation and could accept my feelings for Evan, even if he wasn't completely on board.
So now, the next thing to do is to talk to Evan.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Still Hurting
Over the last few days, I've thought a lot about what happened between Evan and me. From the very beginning when we met, I'd felt a strong closeness to him and a sense of safety when I was with him. Those feelings never wavered. But after finding out that he was keeping information from me, especially since it had potential risk to me, that trust was shattered.
Part of me understands what he was going through with it. I've worked some contract jobs before that required confidentiality agreements and there's necessity to keeping things under wraps. I know that he was sincerely feeling guilty about it and, from his perspective, he did get word that the tests were clear. So I'm sure that he didn't really think there was any risk for me.
And to be honest, I still really don't know that there was a risk to me. For all I know now, the tests actually were clear and there's nothing to worry about. The only thing I really know for sure is that there's some weirdness around the assessment appointment itself which currently can't be explained.
However even though I can understand all of that, I'm still feeling very hurt about it. A part of me feels that I'll have a hard time trusting Evan again.
I needed someone to talk to to help me work through it. Unfortunately I knew Josh wasn't really ready to get into the conversation about Evan with me. There wasn't anything strained between him and me over the last few days since I've been staying at his place, so I know that he isn't holding it against me. However he hasn't brought up the topic at all either. So I've avoided the conversation too.
I ended up calling Lauren to talk while Josh wasn't around. She was very sympathetic and helped me out a lot, mostly by pointing out one thing, "Don't forget. You're keeping secrets as well."
I hadn't really looked at it that way for some reason. Evan definitely wasn't the only one with secrets. Plus when I thought about it, I think a lot of my anger is due to the fact that I'm looking at this environmental thing as a possible cause of my transformation. Since Evan isn't aware of that, it's nowhere near as critical to him as it seems to me.
Part of me understands what he was going through with it. I've worked some contract jobs before that required confidentiality agreements and there's necessity to keeping things under wraps. I know that he was sincerely feeling guilty about it and, from his perspective, he did get word that the tests were clear. So I'm sure that he didn't really think there was any risk for me.
And to be honest, I still really don't know that there was a risk to me. For all I know now, the tests actually were clear and there's nothing to worry about. The only thing I really know for sure is that there's some weirdness around the assessment appointment itself which currently can't be explained.
However even though I can understand all of that, I'm still feeling very hurt about it. A part of me feels that I'll have a hard time trusting Evan again.
I needed someone to talk to to help me work through it. Unfortunately I knew Josh wasn't really ready to get into the conversation about Evan with me. There wasn't anything strained between him and me over the last few days since I've been staying at his place, so I know that he isn't holding it against me. However he hasn't brought up the topic at all either. So I've avoided the conversation too.
I ended up calling Lauren to talk while Josh wasn't around. She was very sympathetic and helped me out a lot, mostly by pointing out one thing, "Don't forget. You're keeping secrets as well."
I hadn't really looked at it that way for some reason. Evan definitely wasn't the only one with secrets. Plus when I thought about it, I think a lot of my anger is due to the fact that I'm looking at this environmental thing as a possible cause of my transformation. Since Evan isn't aware of that, it's nowhere near as critical to him as it seems to me.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
More About The Testing
I decided to see if I could find out some more about the environmental assessment I ordered, more specifically why it seems to have bounced from one company to another. Since Evan said the file was classified as confidential on RAMJAC's end (and I really don't want to get him into any trouble at work even though I'm still hurt by the whole thing), I realized that approaching things from that side wouldn't be the best idea.
So I called up the original environmental firm that I booked the appointment with. I thought I'd have better luck there since it was my testing that I paid for. What I found out (and I confirmed it with three different people on their end just to be sure that it wasn't a mistake) sent a chill down my spine. According to them, I'd made the appointment for the assessment, then cancelled it the next day! After that, the appointment was never in their system and they don't have any connection with the testing that was done.
It's disturbing enough that it seems that RAMJAC received or maybe even took over this appointment somehow, completely without my awareness or the knowledge of the environmental firm. But even worse is the fact that the written assessment still appears to have come from this original firm, even though they don't have any knowledge of it.
I'm not a conspiracy theorist usually, but right now I'm starting to freak out a bit. At first, this seemed to be just a case of a possible accident along with a misunderstanding about who did the actual work. But now, I'm wondering if there's more to it than that. Unless there's some other possibilities that I'm not thinking of, it seems like there's more intention to this. Otherwise, how or why would the appointment have been cancelled and redone by a completely different company? I've been trying to come up with other scenarios that might explain this whole thing, but nothing makes sense. I really think I've been intentionally deceived, but why?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Disclosure And Betrayal
I found out so much yesterday that I hardly know where to begin. Evan called me last night and said he found some things out about the environmental assessment. He wanted to tell me in person though, so I invited him over. It didn't take him long to get over, but I was worried the whole time I was waiting. I was sure it was something horrible since he wanted to tell me face to face.
When he arrived, he looked anxious and a little pale even. He asked me to sit down while he filled me in. Then he started in on his story. It came out in bits and pieces and I had a lot to interject while he was telling it. However here's what he told me in a more chronological order.
Evan's first sense that anything was wrong was not when he saw this written assessment report -- it turns out it was actually back about a month ago! Just before our second date, apparently he was talking about me at work. When his supervisor (which was the older guy named Carl that came along for my appointment) heard him mentioning our date, he pulled Evan aside for a private meeting. Before starting in, Carl said that the discussion was strictly confidential and that Evan was bound by non-disclosure in his employment agreement to not speak of this topic outside of the office.
First, let me tell you something about the environmental firm Evan works for. Even though they're a standalone company, they're actually owned by a well-known multinational corporation. For purposes of this blog so I don't get into any libel issues, I've decided to refer to them by the name of a fictional conglomerate created by Kurt Vonnegut -- The RAMJAC Corporation. I'm sure you can figure it out but they're involved in almost everything including plastics, electronics, agriculture, biotech, construction, pharmaceuticals, etc. In addition to this, RAMJAC actually has one of their subsidiaries, which makes plastics, a few kilometers away from my house.
So when Carl took Evan aside, he informed him that there had been a possible leak reported by this site and that my house was in the risk zone. Nothing was made public since they felt that the risk and volume of the leak was low, but there was still a possibility. So when I was looking to have the environmental assessment done, it turned into the perfect chance for them to do some inspection apparently. Neither Evan nor I have any idea yet how my request for an appointment went from the company I originally called over to Evan's company, but maybe it was red-flagged and sent to RAMJAC due to the possible leak. This part is still an unknown.
So Evan went on that second date with me feeling guilty at having been sworn to secrecy at risk of his job. Thinking back on it now, I do recall him being a little quiet or reserved or something, so that makes sense now. After that even though he still couldn't tell me about it, Evan repeatedly inquired internally about the status of the environmental assessment. It turned out that the samples had been kicked up to his parent company, RAMJAC, for analysis. However the word that came down to him was that things were progressing well and that the results continued to come back clear. So after getting good news on the test results after a few inquiries, his guilt abated some since there didn't seem to be any risk to me.
It wasn't until he saw the written assessment sent to me under the other firm's letterhead that he began to question things again. So yesterday once he was back in the office, he started to inquire about it again, all the way back to RAMJAC. After going through a few of his contacts, he eventually discovered that the file on my assessment was sealed and marked as confidential. Evan had never seen this done with test results like this and, if fact, with his position he usually has access to most documentation around assessments. He inquired with Carl why this might be and Carl said that this would usually only happen if there was a pending or finalized legal case or something like that. He couldn't think of any other reason.
So now there are plenty of unnerving questions. Why would the file be sealed if the results of the tests were clear? Could it be because they just didn't want the news to go public? Why was my assessment appointment forwarded from the original company I called over to Evan's company or possibly RAMJAC directly? And why would RAMJAC have taken the testing out of the hands of one of their own labs and given it back to the original independent company for analysis?
Evan had all of the same questions which is why he decided it was time to reveal it all to me, even at the risk of his job... and his relationship with me. I can't even tell you all of the emotions I was feeling as Evan told me his story. With all of the information around RAMJAC, I was confused, angry and (above all) scared. But when it came to Evan himself, I felt hurt and betrayed.
I understand the confidentiality agreement he was bound by and that his career was at risk, but I still can't believe he kept this information from me for almost a whole month, especially when there was a possible risk to my health, no matter how small. I thought we were close. I listened to him confess his story, feeling more angry the longer I listened. By the end of it, once everything was out on the table, I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so upset and confused and shocked that all I could bring myself to say to him at that moment was, "Get out."
Evan thoroughly and sincerely apologized about not letting me know until now. Part of me felt for him and could forgive him, but not yet. I just wasn't ready. I needed him to go or risk blowing up at him entirely. He said he understood and agreed with me, and that he was more disappointed with himself than I could imagine. After that, he left me. And the tears overwhelmed me.
Later in the evening after I calmed down, I came to at least one decision. Since there was so much uncertainty, I had no level of trust in the results I'd received. Given that, if there was any chance at all that I might be at risk of exposure to something, I could no longer stay at my house.
Since she'd been so good about everything, I thought about asking Lauren if I could stay there. But she only has a one-bedroom apartment and, for possibly an extended stay, I'm sure that would have been too big an imposition.
So I reached out to Josh. He has a three-bedroom condo with plenty of room. I filled him in on everything that had happened, trying unsuccessfully to hold it together and not get too emotional. I had to go all the way back to the beginning, since I hadn't even told him about Evan in the first place. To be honest, it was an uncomfortable conversation and Josh is far from accepting my relationship with Evan. However once he understood that I was potentially at risk in my own home, he immediately invited me to stay with him, without me even asking.
When he arrived, he looked anxious and a little pale even. He asked me to sit down while he filled me in. Then he started in on his story. It came out in bits and pieces and I had a lot to interject while he was telling it. However here's what he told me in a more chronological order.
Evan's first sense that anything was wrong was not when he saw this written assessment report -- it turns out it was actually back about a month ago! Just before our second date, apparently he was talking about me at work. When his supervisor (which was the older guy named Carl that came along for my appointment) heard him mentioning our date, he pulled Evan aside for a private meeting. Before starting in, Carl said that the discussion was strictly confidential and that Evan was bound by non-disclosure in his employment agreement to not speak of this topic outside of the office.
First, let me tell you something about the environmental firm Evan works for. Even though they're a standalone company, they're actually owned by a well-known multinational corporation. For purposes of this blog so I don't get into any libel issues, I've decided to refer to them by the name of a fictional conglomerate created by Kurt Vonnegut -- The RAMJAC Corporation. I'm sure you can figure it out but they're involved in almost everything including plastics, electronics, agriculture, biotech, construction, pharmaceuticals, etc. In addition to this, RAMJAC actually has one of their subsidiaries, which makes plastics, a few kilometers away from my house.
So when Carl took Evan aside, he informed him that there had been a possible leak reported by this site and that my house was in the risk zone. Nothing was made public since they felt that the risk and volume of the leak was low, but there was still a possibility. So when I was looking to have the environmental assessment done, it turned into the perfect chance for them to do some inspection apparently. Neither Evan nor I have any idea yet how my request for an appointment went from the company I originally called over to Evan's company, but maybe it was red-flagged and sent to RAMJAC due to the possible leak. This part is still an unknown.
So Evan went on that second date with me feeling guilty at having been sworn to secrecy at risk of his job. Thinking back on it now, I do recall him being a little quiet or reserved or something, so that makes sense now. After that even though he still couldn't tell me about it, Evan repeatedly inquired internally about the status of the environmental assessment. It turned out that the samples had been kicked up to his parent company, RAMJAC, for analysis. However the word that came down to him was that things were progressing well and that the results continued to come back clear. So after getting good news on the test results after a few inquiries, his guilt abated some since there didn't seem to be any risk to me.
It wasn't until he saw the written assessment sent to me under the other firm's letterhead that he began to question things again. So yesterday once he was back in the office, he started to inquire about it again, all the way back to RAMJAC. After going through a few of his contacts, he eventually discovered that the file on my assessment was sealed and marked as confidential. Evan had never seen this done with test results like this and, if fact, with his position he usually has access to most documentation around assessments. He inquired with Carl why this might be and Carl said that this would usually only happen if there was a pending or finalized legal case or something like that. He couldn't think of any other reason.
So now there are plenty of unnerving questions. Why would the file be sealed if the results of the tests were clear? Could it be because they just didn't want the news to go public? Why was my assessment appointment forwarded from the original company I called over to Evan's company or possibly RAMJAC directly? And why would RAMJAC have taken the testing out of the hands of one of their own labs and given it back to the original independent company for analysis?
Evan had all of the same questions which is why he decided it was time to reveal it all to me, even at the risk of his job... and his relationship with me. I can't even tell you all of the emotions I was feeling as Evan told me his story. With all of the information around RAMJAC, I was confused, angry and (above all) scared. But when it came to Evan himself, I felt hurt and betrayed.
I understand the confidentiality agreement he was bound by and that his career was at risk, but I still can't believe he kept this information from me for almost a whole month, especially when there was a possible risk to my health, no matter how small. I thought we were close. I listened to him confess his story, feeling more angry the longer I listened. By the end of it, once everything was out on the table, I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so upset and confused and shocked that all I could bring myself to say to him at that moment was, "Get out."
Evan thoroughly and sincerely apologized about not letting me know until now. Part of me felt for him and could forgive him, but not yet. I just wasn't ready. I needed him to go or risk blowing up at him entirely. He said he understood and agreed with me, and that he was more disappointed with himself than I could imagine. After that, he left me. And the tears overwhelmed me.
Later in the evening after I calmed down, I came to at least one decision. Since there was so much uncertainty, I had no level of trust in the results I'd received. Given that, if there was any chance at all that I might be at risk of exposure to something, I could no longer stay at my house.
Since she'd been so good about everything, I thought about asking Lauren if I could stay there. But she only has a one-bedroom apartment and, for possibly an extended stay, I'm sure that would have been too big an imposition.
So I reached out to Josh. He has a three-bedroom condo with plenty of room. I filled him in on everything that had happened, trying unsuccessfully to hold it together and not get too emotional. I had to go all the way back to the beginning, since I hadn't even told him about Evan in the first place. To be honest, it was an uncomfortable conversation and Josh is far from accepting my relationship with Evan. However once he understood that I was potentially at risk in my own home, he immediately invited me to stay with him, without me even asking.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Reviewing The Assessment
Last night, I ran the environmental assessment by Evan. The first thing that he noticed was that the letterhead was under a different company's name than the firm he works for. It was definitely the company that I'd originally approached and made the appointment with, but it turns out that isn't the company which Evan actually works for. I felt a little stupid for not knowing that about him. It's not that we hadn't talked about his work before (because we had), but we just hadn't really mentioned his company by name before. I'd always assumed he just worked for the company that I originally called.
Evan said it wasn't unusual for one company to subcontract out work to another, but he wasn't aware that was the case in my assessment. He said that he'd look into in again on Monday when he was back in the office, just to confirm what happened with it. Not that he said anything specifically, but it seemed like he was a little concerned about this. I didn't really press him on it though, so I assume that he just wanted to make sure that the testing was done properly and by a reputable company.
However after reviewing the entire contents of the assessment, he seemed to agree with the summary that there were no causes for concern. All levels were definitely within acceptable levels. I still had a bunch of questions for him around the tests that were done and their results. He was able to answer all of my questions though, so I feel much better and much more clear about it now.
Evan said it wasn't unusual for one company to subcontract out work to another, but he wasn't aware that was the case in my assessment. He said that he'd look into in again on Monday when he was back in the office, just to confirm what happened with it. Not that he said anything specifically, but it seemed like he was a little concerned about this. I didn't really press him on it though, so I assume that he just wanted to make sure that the testing was done properly and by a reputable company.
However after reviewing the entire contents of the assessment, he seemed to agree with the summary that there were no causes for concern. All levels were definitely within acceptable levels. I still had a bunch of questions for him around the tests that were done and their results. He was able to answer all of my questions though, so I feel much better and much more clear about it now.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Results Of The Tests
I got a package in the mail today. It turned out to be the results of the environmental assessment I had ordered in and around my house back at the beginning of the year.
It was a thick pile of papers containing the details of the testing, most of which meant nothing to me. However it luckily started out with a summary in fairly plain English. The bottom line was that all of the things tested for were well within acceptable ranges. So basically, everything checked out OK and my house and the surrounding area are completely fine. I'll have to get with Evan to explain some of this stuff to me, so that I have a better understanding of it. Of course, he wasn't involved in the actual analysis of the samples in my case, just the collecting of the them.
I almost wished that the tests did come back with some problem. At least then, I'd maybe have something to point to as a cause for my transformation. This was my last avenue to go down to figure out why this happened to me in the first place. And now that this possibility is exhausted, what do I do now? If I don't know how this happened in the first place, what chance do I have to reverse it?
But then again, do I want to reverse it? Over the last two months, I've become quite comfortable in my new body in a lot of ways. It seems the longer I live like this, the less I miss my old male self.
Plus, there's Evan....
It was a thick pile of papers containing the details of the testing, most of which meant nothing to me. However it luckily started out with a summary in fairly plain English. The bottom line was that all of the things tested for were well within acceptable ranges. So basically, everything checked out OK and my house and the surrounding area are completely fine. I'll have to get with Evan to explain some of this stuff to me, so that I have a better understanding of it. Of course, he wasn't involved in the actual analysis of the samples in my case, just the collecting of the them.
I almost wished that the tests did come back with some problem. At least then, I'd maybe have something to point to as a cause for my transformation. This was my last avenue to go down to figure out why this happened to me in the first place. And now that this possibility is exhausted, what do I do now? If I don't know how this happened in the first place, what chance do I have to reverse it?
But then again, do I want to reverse it? Over the last two months, I've become quite comfortable in my new body in a lot of ways. It seems the longer I live like this, the less I miss my old male self.
Plus, there's Evan....
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Date #4
This is a continuation from where I left off yesterday about my date on the weekend with Evan. It took me a while to get it all down since I wasn't really sure how much I was comfortable revealing here. I decided that it seemed a little pointless to withhold information now given all of the things I'd revealed up until now though, so let me begin...
We had a really great dinner, not just the meal but the company. It still continues to surprise me how close I feel to Evan after only knowing him for a short time. We spent the whole evening talking and joking. Early on, we started with subtle physical contact, reaching out and touching forearms and such. That evolved to hand-holding. It wasn't long before Evan had moved his chair around the table so that we were sitting side by side. From that point forward, we were leaning in close together, at times with our heads or faces even touching. I felt warm and comforted, but excited with anticipation. I couldn't wait to experience more of him.
By the end of our dessert, I'd already made my decision. I needed to be with Evan. So I took the initiative (which may or may not be forward for a woman, but I didn't care) and asked if we could go back to his place. Being thoughtful and, I'm sure, remembering our last intimate moment, he asked if I was sure. I replied, "Absolutely."
Before we were even inside Evan's apartment, we were already making out. He had me with my back pressed up against the door to his place, kissing the side of my neck, but still managed to fish out his keys and unlock the door. We practically fell inside once the door unlatched. We had a momentary laugh at our clumsiness but were quickly back at it as Evan guided me towards his bedroom.
Once we were in the bedroom, it wasn't long before Evan had unzipped the back of my dress. An excited thrill shot through me as I felt the dress slide down my body, then my legs, to rest on the floor. Evan took a step back and took me all in. "You're stunning," he said before moving in close again. I pulled his shirt off over his head even though it was a button-up shirt. I was too impatient to feel his skin against me to bother fiddling with buttons. I reached behind me and quickly unclasped my bra to let it drop. Then I pulled him into me, our chests touching. I can't fully describe the intense feeling I had with my breasts pressed into his lean torso, skin on skin. My nipples were immediately erect and that just made them all the more sensitive.
Evan's hands slid down my back and grasped by butt. He quickly pulled me into him and our pelvises pressed together. I felt a shot of pleasure and reciprocated by grinding myself into him. Then Evan moved me backwards towards the bed and guided me to sit on the edge. At first, I felt uncertain where he was guiding me, but then he laid me back on the bed with my feet still over the edge. He began to kiss me on the neck, then worked his way down to my breasts. A shiver of excitement overcame me as he took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked it lightly to start, then more firmly.
Then his lips moved down my stomach, lightly, excruciatingly close to tickling. He reached around me and pulled down my panties. I then felt just how wet I was between my legs as the panties pulled away and Evan slipped them off completely. It was then that I felt his hot breath between my legs and my eyes shot open as I realized where he was. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, "My god, this is really happening." But I didn't care. I wanted it to happen. I needed it to happen. The pleasure was overwhelming as Evan began to use his mouth on me. Lost in the moment completely, my back arched and I pressed my pelvis into him as he started out with light kissing and licking. Reading my excitement, he quickly probed more vigorously and deeper. It was completely electrifying. I'd pleasured myself since my transformation to a woman, but it was nothing as intense as this. I flung my legs up over his shoulders and pulled his head in deeper, not wanting it to stop, wanting more. The pleasure was excruciating and I thought I couldn't take any more. Then I felt a sudden unexpected jolt that surpassed where I was already at. Evan had slowly inserted a finger into me and was rubbing in and out, while still flicking my clitoris with his tongue. That pushed me over the edge and I felt like I might explode as I came harder than I ever remember. My body convulsed over and over as the orgasm rocked me.
My legs were still trembling even after the waves had subsided, but I knew that I couldn't leave Evan hanging. I sat up on the edge of the bed and guided him to stand. Here I could almost feel my female body taking over and doing what came naturally. Of course, being a man before, I knew what felt good for me, so maybe that was part of it. But it was more than that. I was just letting my body do what felt right. I began to rub him through his pants and could feel that he was already hard. So I undid his pants and let them fall to the floor, allowing his penis to be free. I took it lightly in my hands. It felt so odd holding it, never having held another penis besides my own. But at the same time, I felt a sense of excitement and even (for lack of a better word) pride for getting him this hard. I stroked him then and Evan moaned with a shiver. As I moved my hands, he became even bigger.
I felt sudden pangs of hesitation then. Part of me was feeling like I should perform oral on him now. And it wasn't entirely because I was thinking that he would want it. I felt that I wanted to try it myself. However I hesitated because it just seemed like too much for me. The whole situation was confusing, being my first time as a woman, but performing oral seemed like it was just too far. I don't know why but those were my thoughts at the time. So I'm afraid that I didn't give him oral.
But I still wanted more and knew he would too. I began to guide him down to me but stopped when it suddenly came into my head that I didn't have any protection. I'd always used it as a man but I'd never had to from the woman's side. It never occurred to me before that point. I don't even know if I could get pregnant or whatever given my situation, but I wasn't going to test it. I apologized for stopping but asked him if he had a condom. He said that was already his plan and it wasn't a problem.
So after he retrieved a condom and put it on, I pulled him down to me as I laid back on the bed. Reaching down, I grasped his penis and slowly moved it inside me. At first, I felt a slight pinch as Evan penetrated me and I'm sure I flinched a bit. But it was only momentary and then a warmth began to spread through me as he slowly moved in and out. That warmth quickly grew into a blaze and I wanted more. I reached around him and pulled him into me deeper, not realizing until later how I was moaning in pleasure. My ecstasy grew as he thrust faster until I thought I might burst. Evan then leaned forward to lay on top of me. As I felt his chest against mine and his hot breath on my neck, I came for the second time, calling out Evan's name. Bucking against him in pleasure, I felt his breathing quicken to panting as he came as well.
We lay on the bed in each other's arms, pleasantly spent, as things subsided. A warmth had spread through me and I felt sensitive all over. This feeling was certainly a change from the period after sex as a man. Before I just wanted to fall asleep after sex. But now, I felt energized and alert. The whole experience was phenomenal. It was so different from sex as a man, so many new feelings and sensations. But even though it was new and somewhat confusing, it didn't feel bad or wrong. As I rested in Evan's arms, it felt right.
We laid together for probably 10 minutes before we decided to get up. It wasn't until Evan took the condom off that either of us noticed the blood. Once I saw it, I realized that it came from me. I noticed now that I was a bit sensitive down there. My mind quickly put two and two together and, along with the slight pain I felt when Evan had penetrated me, I realized that I had been a virgin as a woman. The blood was from my broken hymen. I was immediately mortified and didn't know what to tell him. I fumbled for a excuse. There was only a small amount of blood though, so I told him that it must have just been a slight abrasion from rigorous activity. He was genuinely concerned about me but I told him it wasn't a problem or his fault in any way.
But other than this one incident, the rest of the night was fantastic. I spent the night over at Evan's and he made me a nice breakfast the next morning. We spent most of Sunday together too.
I'm not sure what to do or think about this, but I know now that I've really fallen for him.
We had a really great dinner, not just the meal but the company. It still continues to surprise me how close I feel to Evan after only knowing him for a short time. We spent the whole evening talking and joking. Early on, we started with subtle physical contact, reaching out and touching forearms and such. That evolved to hand-holding. It wasn't long before Evan had moved his chair around the table so that we were sitting side by side. From that point forward, we were leaning in close together, at times with our heads or faces even touching. I felt warm and comforted, but excited with anticipation. I couldn't wait to experience more of him.
By the end of our dessert, I'd already made my decision. I needed to be with Evan. So I took the initiative (which may or may not be forward for a woman, but I didn't care) and asked if we could go back to his place. Being thoughtful and, I'm sure, remembering our last intimate moment, he asked if I was sure. I replied, "Absolutely."
Before we were even inside Evan's apartment, we were already making out. He had me with my back pressed up against the door to his place, kissing the side of my neck, but still managed to fish out his keys and unlock the door. We practically fell inside once the door unlatched. We had a momentary laugh at our clumsiness but were quickly back at it as Evan guided me towards his bedroom.
Once we were in the bedroom, it wasn't long before Evan had unzipped the back of my dress. An excited thrill shot through me as I felt the dress slide down my body, then my legs, to rest on the floor. Evan took a step back and took me all in. "You're stunning," he said before moving in close again. I pulled his shirt off over his head even though it was a button-up shirt. I was too impatient to feel his skin against me to bother fiddling with buttons. I reached behind me and quickly unclasped my bra to let it drop. Then I pulled him into me, our chests touching. I can't fully describe the intense feeling I had with my breasts pressed into his lean torso, skin on skin. My nipples were immediately erect and that just made them all the more sensitive.
Evan's hands slid down my back and grasped by butt. He quickly pulled me into him and our pelvises pressed together. I felt a shot of pleasure and reciprocated by grinding myself into him. Then Evan moved me backwards towards the bed and guided me to sit on the edge. At first, I felt uncertain where he was guiding me, but then he laid me back on the bed with my feet still over the edge. He began to kiss me on the neck, then worked his way down to my breasts. A shiver of excitement overcame me as he took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked it lightly to start, then more firmly.
Then his lips moved down my stomach, lightly, excruciatingly close to tickling. He reached around me and pulled down my panties. I then felt just how wet I was between my legs as the panties pulled away and Evan slipped them off completely. It was then that I felt his hot breath between my legs and my eyes shot open as I realized where he was. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, "My god, this is really happening." But I didn't care. I wanted it to happen. I needed it to happen. The pleasure was overwhelming as Evan began to use his mouth on me. Lost in the moment completely, my back arched and I pressed my pelvis into him as he started out with light kissing and licking. Reading my excitement, he quickly probed more vigorously and deeper. It was completely electrifying. I'd pleasured myself since my transformation to a woman, but it was nothing as intense as this. I flung my legs up over his shoulders and pulled his head in deeper, not wanting it to stop, wanting more. The pleasure was excruciating and I thought I couldn't take any more. Then I felt a sudden unexpected jolt that surpassed where I was already at. Evan had slowly inserted a finger into me and was rubbing in and out, while still flicking my clitoris with his tongue. That pushed me over the edge and I felt like I might explode as I came harder than I ever remember. My body convulsed over and over as the orgasm rocked me.
My legs were still trembling even after the waves had subsided, but I knew that I couldn't leave Evan hanging. I sat up on the edge of the bed and guided him to stand. Here I could almost feel my female body taking over and doing what came naturally. Of course, being a man before, I knew what felt good for me, so maybe that was part of it. But it was more than that. I was just letting my body do what felt right. I began to rub him through his pants and could feel that he was already hard. So I undid his pants and let them fall to the floor, allowing his penis to be free. I took it lightly in my hands. It felt so odd holding it, never having held another penis besides my own. But at the same time, I felt a sense of excitement and even (for lack of a better word) pride for getting him this hard. I stroked him then and Evan moaned with a shiver. As I moved my hands, he became even bigger.
I felt sudden pangs of hesitation then. Part of me was feeling like I should perform oral on him now. And it wasn't entirely because I was thinking that he would want it. I felt that I wanted to try it myself. However I hesitated because it just seemed like too much for me. The whole situation was confusing, being my first time as a woman, but performing oral seemed like it was just too far. I don't know why but those were my thoughts at the time. So I'm afraid that I didn't give him oral.
But I still wanted more and knew he would too. I began to guide him down to me but stopped when it suddenly came into my head that I didn't have any protection. I'd always used it as a man but I'd never had to from the woman's side. It never occurred to me before that point. I don't even know if I could get pregnant or whatever given my situation, but I wasn't going to test it. I apologized for stopping but asked him if he had a condom. He said that was already his plan and it wasn't a problem.
So after he retrieved a condom and put it on, I pulled him down to me as I laid back on the bed. Reaching down, I grasped his penis and slowly moved it inside me. At first, I felt a slight pinch as Evan penetrated me and I'm sure I flinched a bit. But it was only momentary and then a warmth began to spread through me as he slowly moved in and out. That warmth quickly grew into a blaze and I wanted more. I reached around him and pulled him into me deeper, not realizing until later how I was moaning in pleasure. My ecstasy grew as he thrust faster until I thought I might burst. Evan then leaned forward to lay on top of me. As I felt his chest against mine and his hot breath on my neck, I came for the second time, calling out Evan's name. Bucking against him in pleasure, I felt his breathing quicken to panting as he came as well.
We lay on the bed in each other's arms, pleasantly spent, as things subsided. A warmth had spread through me and I felt sensitive all over. This feeling was certainly a change from the period after sex as a man. Before I just wanted to fall asleep after sex. But now, I felt energized and alert. The whole experience was phenomenal. It was so different from sex as a man, so many new feelings and sensations. But even though it was new and somewhat confusing, it didn't feel bad or wrong. As I rested in Evan's arms, it felt right.
We laid together for probably 10 minutes before we decided to get up. It wasn't until Evan took the condom off that either of us noticed the blood. Once I saw it, I realized that it came from me. I noticed now that I was a bit sensitive down there. My mind quickly put two and two together and, along with the slight pain I felt when Evan had penetrated me, I realized that I had been a virgin as a woman. The blood was from my broken hymen. I was immediately mortified and didn't know what to tell him. I fumbled for a excuse. There was only a small amount of blood though, so I told him that it must have just been a slight abrasion from rigorous activity. He was genuinely concerned about me but I told him it wasn't a problem or his fault in any way.
But other than this one incident, the rest of the night was fantastic. I spent the night over at Evan's and he made me a nice breakfast the next morning. We spent most of Sunday together too.
I'm not sure what to do or think about this, but I know now that I've really fallen for him.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Getting Ready For My Date
Sorry, I'm a bit behind in my postings, but a lot went on this weekend and I wasn't even sure how to convey everything... or if I even wanted to. But here goes.
I had another date with Evan on Saturday night. That afternoon, I had Lauren over beforehand to discuss the whole thing and my feelings around it. I thought I needed a second opinion to make sure I wasn't crazy in continuing on with Evan. Of course, Lauren wasn't as accepting as me, but we'd discussed it enough that she'd come to grips with the idea and knew that I felt very strongly for him. Plus as she'd told me, she knew what it was like to be "hung up on a guy."
So after talking at length about Evan, Lauren somewhat reluctantly got on board. However she insisted that she meet him when he picked me up tonight, so she could get a better sense of him. She had always been a mother hen, but that was one of the things I loved about her. I promised her that I wouldn't run off without giving her that chance.
Evan was going to take me out to a nicer place for dinner. On hearing where we were going, Lauren immediately asked me what I was planning on wearing since she knew I only had jeans and T-shirts for my new female self. She quickly admonished me saying that that wasn't acceptable, given the place we were going to. However since we had a few hours to kill before Evan was supposed to show up, Lauren insisted that she was going to take me out to upgrade my wardrobe.
So we made a trip to the mall and Lauren guided me through several women's stores that I'd never set foot in before. The end result was a collection of things that expanded out my female wardrobe to cover more than just casual situations. I got a couple of shirts (sorry, "tops") that were more dressy than my T-shirts. Also Lauren talked me into buying a couple of skirts, nothing too short but still sexy apparently. As Lauren said, "Since now you've got legs like that, it would be a shame to hide them." It's going to take a while to get used to being open and exposed like that underneath. I'm just so used to being fully contained in pants.
We made it to a lingerie shop as well where she got me properly outfitted. The lingerie that Lauren picked out was definitely more exotic that the "standard" stuff I've been wearing up until now, also not quite as comfortable either, but I had to admit that it did look much hotter.
Lastly for my date, I got a dress, my first dress. It's dark blue, sleeveless, cut a little lower in the front, with the skirt just above my knees. I'd tried on a bunch of dresses before this one, but as soon as Lauren saw this one on me, she just said, "We can stop there. That's the one."
Before we left the mall, Lauren also ducked into a department store saying that she had to pick up some stuff for herself. It seemed at the time that she was being a bit cryptic and when we got back to my place, I found out why. She pulled out a bag filled with makeup, saying with a smirk, "OK Lea. Since we're elevating your wardrobe already, we might as well do the full-out makeover."
The results of Lauren's handiwork is in the new picture I've posted for this blog. I got her to take this picture of me. It felt really odd to have all of that stuff on my face, but it wasn't long before I stopped noticing that it was there. I have to hand it to her though -- Lauren did good work.
By the time Evan rang my doorbell, I was completely made over. On opening the door, I saw Evan's eyes widen and he paused speechless for a moment before uttering, "Holy shit." He shook is head slightly, embarrassed by his exclamation, before continuing, "Sorry, I didn't mean... I just didn't expect you to look... Not that you don't always look great but...."
I kept quiet and let him keep stammering, just smiling and enjoying the fact that I threw him for a loop with my new look. He finally paused for a second and smiled back. "Hold on. Let me try this one again," he said, then reached in and closed my front door again leaving him on the outside still.
I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I waited inside the door. After a few seconds, the doorbell rang again. Just to torture him a bit more, I gave it a few more seconds before opening the door.
There he stood again, looking me up and down (casually this time, making a humorous show of how much "cooler" he was this time). This time, he kept it short and sweet, "Wow! You look phenomenal." I smiled and felt myself blush.
I invited him in and introduced him to Lauren. "Not only is she responsible for all of the work you see before you," I said, jokingly waving my hands across my whole body like some TV game show model, "but she's also here to grill you about your intentions with me. She'll be playing my mother figure for tonight."
Evan didn't miss a beat. "Well first of all, I should say thanks for all that you've done. You seem to have done the impossible and improved on perfection. As for my intentions, I insure you they're strictly honourable," he said in a faux formal voice. "But seriously, I think it's great that you're looking out for Lea. I'm sure you just want the best for her and, in that respect, we're on the same page. So ask away."
We talked for a little longer after that. Lauren didn't grill him or anything, but that's not really her style anyway. She was just trying to get a sense of what he was like. When we finally all left the house (Lauren going her own way), I looked over to her. She gave me a smile and a quick nod of her head, so I knew I had her approval.
I have a lot more to write about that night though, so there'll be more to come once I get around to getting my thoughts down....
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Magic Spell Arrives
Trust me, I'm more surprised than anyone, but that magic potion which I ordered a month ago actually arrived yesterday.
The package I got didn't really contain a potion so I guess that was just a bit misleading on the web site. What it had was a candle, some incense, a "magical incantation" and full instructions on everything to do.
For most of the day yesterday, I felt foolish even entertaining the idea that this could work. I've never been a believer in this sort of thing and, even in my desperation, I felt ridiculous even at the thought of trying it.
The instructions said to perform the spell before going to bed then, after a night's sleep, I would "wake up in the body I always dreamed of." So I followed the instructions to the letter and got everything set up late last night. However as I was getting prepared, I realized that I was starting to feel very nervous and uneasy. I had to take a few moments to sit down and think.
For the last two months, I've been trying to find a way back to my old body and my old male self. I'd always pictured myself eventually being back in my original form and never really questioned that vision. But here I was with a chance (although a slim one) to change back and what was I feeling? On reflecting on it, I realized what it was -- reluctance! I was suddenly having doubts as to whether I wanted to change back. I was shocked that I was thinking this way, but there it was. The feelings were there, no doubt about it, regardless of what the logical part of me was thinking.
I'd never really consciously thought about that as an option. In the beginning, I'd always just envisioned being back as a man again, so I never posed that question to myself before. But now that thought occurred to me and, to be honest, it was very hard to dismiss. My mind raced through this train of thought as I traced back through my actions over the last few weeks. I certainly wasn't looking for a "cure" as thoroughly as I had been in the beginning. Maybe that was because I'd exhausted most of the avenues and had run out of things to look for, but maybe there was more to it. Maybe subconsciously I just didn't want to try so hard. And then there was Evan! In a short period of time, he'd become very important to me and a big part of my thoughts and life. That would obviously be over if I changed back. And I didn't know if I was ready to give him up.
I deliberated with myself for over an hour about this. My life had fundamentally changed in so many ways, some of which I'd adjusted to... and some that I even enjoyed. It was difficult to dismiss all of that. But the other, more practical side of me understood the difficulties that came with being a different person and gender. All of my past and experiences were as a man and it would be impossible to marry all of my old life with a new life as a woman. Realistically, it just didn't seem feasible to stay this way. So after much internal debate, I finally came to the decision that I had to go ahead with it.
Once I committed to that course of action, I went ahead with the spell as instructed. I didn't feel any different during or afterward, but I wasn't really expecting much, if anything. However even though I was very sceptical of the whole "spell" thing, I had a very fitful sleep. I tossed and turned and kept waking up to see if any change happened.
I think I finally drifted off fully around 3:00am. Then just around 6:30am, I woke up and sat straight up in bed when I remembered what had happened the night before. Of course after a quick survey of my body, I knew that the spell was a hoax after all and that nothing had changed. Not too surprising, even given my worrying last night.
Honestly though, once I knew for sure that I hadn't transformed back to male again, I felt an enormous weight off my shoulders and a great sense of relief set in. Even though I'd made the decision to change back, I did it with a lot of hesitation. I just don't know if I'm ready yet....
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