Talk With Evan

I wanted my first talk with Evan to be face-to-face rather than over the phone, so I showed up at his place unannounced.  Luckily he was home.  After his initial surprise at seeing me at his door, I could see the gladness on his face.  However that was somewhat overshadowed by his apparent nervousness, not knowing what I might say.

I was the first one to speak, "Can I come in?"

"Of course, Lea," he said ushering me inside.

Once we were in his living room, I started, "It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say to you. First, I know we haven't really talked yet about where our relationship is going, but let me tell you now:  I have very strong feelings for you.  I feel very close to you and I hope that you feel the same.  But when you told me that you'd been keeping that secret from me, it really hurt me.  I felt foolish for putting a level of trust in you that I thought wasn't really there."

I could see that Evan wanted to interject there, but I waved him off, "No, let me finish.  Trust me when I say that this is a completely new thing for me and I've never opened myself up to anyone like this before."  I couldn't tell him everything, including about my transformation, but wanted him to understand how emotionally new it was.  "So I'm kind of psychologically exposed and sensitive, maybe too sensitive.  Being in a close emotional relationship like this for the first time may have made me a bit reactive.  Not that I'm saying I wasn't justified in being hurt, but I could have been more understanding.  So now that I've had more time to think about it, I can understand the position you were in.  I'm sure you were in a bad spot with it and I have no doubt that you really believed that I wasn't in any risk.  So I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for the way I treated you this last week and that I'm starting to forgive you.  However in all honesty, there's still part of me that hesitates now, even though I want to feel that same level of trust I used to feel with you."

Evan was waiting patiently to speak, so I smiled at him, "It's OK.  You can talk now."

"Lea, you have no idea how sorry I am about how I hurt you... how I hurt our relationship.  I'm not going to make any excuses about my confidentiality agreement or any of that.  I know that isn't a good reason.  I broke a trust between us and that's completely unacceptable.  I couldn't feel worse about that and I'd completely understand if you didn't forgive me.  But I'm really happy to hear you say that you're starting to.  So let me tell you this:  I'm going to do everything I can to rebuild that trust back to where it was before.  You said that you hope I feel the same closeness as you.  Well, don't even doubt that.  I have very strong feelings for you and have had since we met.  Not to scare you off or anything but, when I think of the future, I think of my future with you in it."

I moved in close and encircled my arms around his waist.  Evan took the positive cue from me and enveloped me in his arms.  We stayed that way for a long time.

We talked a lot last night, not about Josh's hacking suggesting yet, but about things in general.  We were able to laugh again.  I cried some as well, but it was an emotional time.  I spent the night at Evan's place, cradled in his arms.  He never attempted to make a move or try anything sexual, for which I appreciated his sensitivity.  However, now that our relationship was healing again, I would have happily accepted.