Still Hurting

Over the last few days, I've thought a lot about what happened between Evan and me.  From the very beginning when we met, I'd felt a strong closeness to him and a sense of safety when I was with him. Those feelings never wavered.  But after finding out that he was keeping information from me, especially since it had potential risk to me, that trust was shattered.

Part of me understands what he was going through with it.  I've worked some contract jobs before that required confidentiality agreements and there's necessity to keeping things under wraps.  I know that he was sincerely feeling guilty about it and, from his perspective, he did get word that the tests were clear. So I'm sure that he didn't really think there was any risk for me.

And to be honest, I still really don't know that there was a risk to me.  For all I know now, the tests actually were clear and there's nothing to worry about.  The only thing I really know for sure is that there's some weirdness around the assessment appointment itself which currently can't be explained.

However even though I can understand all of that, I'm still feeling very hurt about it.  A part of me feels that I'll have a hard time trusting Evan again.

I needed someone to talk to to help me work through it.  Unfortunately I knew Josh wasn't really ready to get into the conversation about Evan with me.  There wasn't anything strained between him and me over the last few days since I've been staying at his place, so I know that he isn't holding it against me.  However he hasn't brought up the topic at all either.  So I've avoided the conversation too.

I ended up calling Lauren to talk while Josh wasn't around.  She was very sympathetic and helped me out a lot, mostly by pointing out one thing, "Don't forget.  You're keeping secrets as well."

I hadn't really looked at it that way for some reason. Evan definitely wasn't the only one with secrets. Plus when I thought about it, I think a lot of my anger is due to the fact that I'm looking at this environmental thing as a possible cause of my transformation. Since Evan isn't aware of that, it's nowhere near as critical to him as it seems to me.