The Magic Spell Arrives

Trust me, I'm more surprised than anyone, but that magic potion which I ordered a month ago actually arrived yesterday.

The package I got didn't really contain a potion so I guess that was just a bit misleading on the web site. What it had was a candle, some incense, a "magical incantation" and full instructions on everything to do.

For most of the day yesterday, I felt foolish even entertaining the idea that this could work.  I've never been a believer in this sort of thing and, even in my desperation, I felt ridiculous even at the thought of trying it.

The instructions said to perform the spell before going to bed then, after a night's sleep, I would "wake up in the body I always dreamed of."  So I followed the instructions to the letter and got everything set up late last night.  However as I was getting prepared, I realized that I was starting to feel very nervous and uneasy.  I had to take a few moments to sit down and think.

For the last two months, I've been trying to find a way back to my old body and my old male self.  I'd always pictured myself eventually being back in my original form and never really questioned that vision.  But here I was with a chance (although a slim one) to change back and what was I feeling?  On reflecting on it, I realized what it was -- reluctance!  I was suddenly having doubts as to whether I wanted to change back. I was shocked that I was thinking this way, but there it was.  The feelings were there, no doubt about it, regardless of what the logical part of me was thinking.

I'd never really consciously thought about that as an option.  In the beginning, I'd always just envisioned being back as a man again, so I never posed that question to myself before.  But now that thought occurred to me and, to be honest, it was very hard to dismiss.  My mind raced through this train of thought as I traced back through my actions over the last few weeks.  I certainly wasn't looking for a "cure" as thoroughly as I had been in the beginning.  Maybe that was because I'd exhausted most of the avenues and had run out of things to look for, but maybe there was more to it. Maybe subconsciously I just didn't want to try so hard.  And then there was Evan!  In a short period of time, he'd become very important to me and a big part of my thoughts and life.  That would obviously be over if I changed back.  And I didn't know if I was ready to give him up.

I deliberated with myself for over an hour about this. My life had fundamentally changed in so many ways, some of which I'd adjusted to... and some that I even enjoyed.  It was difficult to dismiss all of that.  But the other, more practical side of me understood the difficulties that came with being a different person and gender.  All of my past and experiences were as a man and it would be impossible to marry all of my old life with a new life as a woman.  Realistically, it just didn't seem feasible to stay this way.  So after much internal debate, I finally came to the decision that I had to go ahead with it.

Once I committed to that course of action, I went ahead with the spell as instructed.  I didn't feel any different during or afterward, but I wasn't really expecting much, if anything.  However even though I was very sceptical of the whole "spell" thing, I had a very fitful sleep.  I tossed and turned and kept waking up to see if any change happened.

I think I finally drifted off fully around 3:00am.  Then just around 6:30am, I woke up and sat straight up in bed when I remembered what had happened the night before.  Of course after a quick survey of my body, I knew that the spell was a hoax after all and that nothing had changed.  Not too surprising, even given my worrying last night.

Honestly though, once I knew for sure that I hadn't transformed back to male again, I felt an enormous weight off my shoulders and a great sense of relief set in.  Even though I'd made the decision to change back, I did it with a lot of hesitation.  I just don't know if I'm ready yet....