An Unexpected Outing

Yesterday I think I did something foolish.  Or maybe it wasn't foolish.  I'm just not sure what I'm thinking anymore.

After my blow-up with Josh, I was feeling hurt and confused.  My self-image was more skewed than ever and my ego was completely shattered.  And with Josh reacting the way he did, I certainly wasn't ready to try that again any time soon.  But I just couldn't continue to seal myself in a bubble without any human contact.  I needed to get out.  I needed to try to forget my problems for a bit.  But mostly, I needed to be accepted.

So after much internal debate and about a half-hour of nervous pacing, I did something I wouldn't have thought I'd ever do -- I called Evan back.  It seemed to make perfect sense at the time.  He was completely separate from my old life so there was no need to have to get involved in any of that.  I could just talk to him as a normal person.  Plus he seemed like a good guy so I could at least count on him to be nice to me, which I desperately needed for the current state of my self-esteem.  I'm not stupid and I knew that he was really looking for a date, but I thought that I could diffuse that easily enough and keep it casual.

Evan seemed very happy to hear from me when I called.  And after an animated conversation, I suggested that we meet later at a local bar for a few drinks.  I was familiar with the place.  It's just a sports bar that's fairly casual and well-lit, so I was sure that it wouldn't send the wrong message.

When I went out, I tried to look as casual as possible because (again) I didn't want to give Evan the wrong impression.  Even though I'm a woman now, I wasn't wearing any makeup.  Of course, I've never worn any since the change, but I just wanted to give you a clear picture.  I'd tied my hair back in a ponytail, although that wasn't abnormal either since I'd already been doing that occasionally lately anyway just to keep it out of my face.  And I was wearing my usual jeans and T-shirt, since those are the only new clothes I own.  I hated to admit it, but I think I still looked pretty good, even trying to play it down.  It was a casual, sporty look but I'd have to say that I still looked cute.

When I arrived at the bar, Evan was already there.  I'd hoped to get there before him to get a seat at the bar, so it wasn't quite so private.  But unfortunately, he beat me to it and he'd already gotten us a table.  I wasn't concerned though.  He greeted me warmly and even held out my chair for me (it's hard getting used to that kind of thing).

(I know it likely sounds from all of my preparations that I was trying to avoid him, so why go out in the first place?  In reality, I was happy and excited to be seeing him again.  These are just a number of my thought processes leading up to this and my level of caution.)

It felt good to talk to someone again, but it was particularly good to talk with Evan.  He really seemed to be a decent, genuine guy.  And it turned out that he was hilarious as well.  I hadn't really noticed when we talked before (maybe he was on his best behaviour during the appointment) but he has a really dry sense of humour and is quick with it too.  It wasn't long before he really had me laughing harder than I had in over a month, which was great for taking my mind off things.

We really had a lot in common going by our last conversation and we were able to just pick up where we left off.  Through the evening, I managed to avoid most discussions about my personal life by redirecting the conversation.  For anything else, I either told the truth when it still made sense or outright lied when it didn't.  I did find out more about Evan though.  He'd lived in the area for most of his life except while away at school.  It turns out that he's two years older than me and has a brother and a sister.  He seems to be quite a smart guy too and has his degree in Environmental Sciences, along with some other accreditations that I don't recall.

Before I knew it, almost two hours had passed like it was a minute and I was three beers in.  It wasn't until I stood up to go to the bathroom that I noticed the effect the drinks had on me.  Normally, three beers in that time span wouldn't have meant much.  But apparently with my new smaller body, it turned out that I'm more of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol.  I wasn't drunk, but I was certainly more than a little unsteady.  In fact, I stumbled a bit getting up as I misjudged where my chair was.  Evan was quick to jump up and steady me.  I thanked him with a smile but still felt embarrassed, not only because I'd almost tripped but also because I'd let myself get drunker than I'd wanted.

Upon making it to the bathroom, I had a flash of reality and decided I'd better call it a night.  Even though this was the best I'd felt in a long time, I really didn't want to press my luck.  In the back of my mind, I still felt the paranoia of being found out, so it was time to get out while things were still good.  Also given all of the new things I'd experienced since my transformation, there was part of me that didn't trust myself.  I never knew when something unexpected would turn up.  And even though I thought I kept everything quite platonic through the evening, you never know how another person is feeling.  The buzz I had going didn't help with my trust issues either.

I didn't want to offend Evan by bailing out suddenly on him though so, after returning to the table, I tried to keep it light-hearted.  "I think I'm going to call it a night.  It seems that I'm too drunk for good judgment," I chuckled.

Evan was a little surprised.  "Oh, OK.  It's still fairly early.  Everything OK?"

"No, everything's fine, really.  In fact, this is the most fun I've had in a while to be honest with you."  Then I lied, "I just have to get up early tomorrow, so I really should head out."

I could tell he was a bit disappointed but he was good about it.  "That's cool.  I completely understand."

"I think I'm going to have to grab a cab though.  Apparently I can't hold my liquor," I grinned.

"Let me give you a lift.  I'm fine to drive.  And I know where you live," Evan laughed.

"I appreciate it, but I don't want you going out of your way.  There are cabs out front so I'll be fine, really."

"Well, the least I can do is walk you out."

So we settled up the bar tab.  Even though I put up a fight with him, Evan wouldn't let me pay.  Out of force of habit, I let slip, "Well, I'll get it next time," but then immediately reproached myself for it.

Walking out to the cab stand, Evan rested his hand on my lower back to gently guide me through the bar. I must have been a little more unsteady-looking than I thought.  It felt nice to have someone looking after me.

There was already a cab available when we got there, so we needed to say a quick goodbye.  Evan moved in close to me saying, "I had a really great time tonight."

"Me too," I smiled back at him.

Before I realized it was even happening, he leaned in close and gently pressed his lips to mine.  My heart rate immediately shot up and I stopped breathing for a few seconds.  I could feel the blood rushing to my face.  I was panicked but excited at the same time.  I didn't lean into Evan myself, but I certainly didn't retreat from the kiss either.  As much as I can't believe I'm saying it, he certainly wasn't the only participant in it.  The kiss probably only really lasted for a few seconds, but it felt longer.  Then as much as I didn't want to at the time, I backed away a bit and broke contact.

With our faces still close together though, Evan asked in almost a whisper, "Can I see you again?"

And before sliding into the cab, the answer that escaped me was a surprise, even as it came out of my mouth.

"Yes."