Starting To Accept How I Feel

Lauren has moved out and back to her own place. We were both feeling more comfortable with the situation and my mindset about it, so we both decided together it would be alright for her to leave me on my own.

Of course, in a bit of an act of cowardice, I waited until after she'd left before breaking down and calling Evan back.  I just couldn't seem to put him out of my head after he called that last time.  I'd had so much fun the first time we were out.  And in all honesty, that kiss really stuck with me.  I kept reliving that moment and feeling anticipation for it all over again.

Evan was glad to hear from me and we set up a time to go out last night for dinner.  I felt guilty about keeping it from Lauren afterward though, so just before Evan picked me up, I sent her a quick email apologizing for not telling her ahead of time but gave her the details of where I was going to be.  I ignored a call from her on my cell phone while I was out, but I did get an email response back from her after that. All it said was "STUPID STUPID STUPID!!" so her reaction was as I expected.

On the way to the restaurant after Evan picked me up, he seemed a little quiet.  It felt a little awkward in the car because of the silence so I asked him if everything was OK.  He said he has fine though and seemed to perk up after that.  It was probably just in my head, since I'm understandably over-analyzing things.  This is all completely new for me, so I find myself trying to understand everything.  Although trying to understand and come to grips with my whole situation usually leads to more stress than good, so I've been making a concerted effort to try to just let things happen sometimes.

We had another great evening over dinner.  He's a good talker and an even better listener, although again I tried to avoid topics about my personal life for fear of letting something slip.  This time luckily, I remembered to take it easy with the alcohol and only had just enough to take the edge off.

I still can't get over how funny he is.  He even had our waitress laughing whenever she came back to the table, which was a little more often than I was comfortable with.  Damn it, if I wasn't feeling some pangs of jealousy whenever she came around.  I knew that Evan was just being friendly and wasn't doing anything on purpose, but it felt like our waitress was trying to interfere with our dinner to get attention from him for herself.  It's all just too ridiculous for me, but I can't seem to stop myself when I have these kinds of thoughts.

And last night was the first night that I allowed myself to consciously think of Evan and me in "man-woman" terms.  I know subconsciously that I probably always had some attraction to him,  without being able to admit it to myself.  However after that first night with him, he was always on my mind.  It was silly to try to convince myself otherwise when I obviously had these strong feelings.  So last night, I found myself really taking him all in and allowing myself to enjoy those feelings.  Physically, he's quite attractive but not overly so.  About 6'2" with short dark-brown hair, Evan is lean and fit, but not bulked up or anything.  I found out that he's a runner and occasionally does some light weights too.  He has a nice face too -- clean shaven and a bit younger-looking than his actual age -- with warm, dark-brown eyes that I'm really drawn to.

Of course, all good things have to end at some time, so after a long wonderful evening, we decided to call it a night.  Evan drove me back to my place and parked in the driveway.  We talked for a few minutes more, wrapping up for the night.  This time though, the real surprise came from me.  Being close together in the front seat of the car like that, looking into each other's eyes, I felt drawn towards him.  That's not true.  I shouldn't put it that way since it's misleading.  It's not like some force was pulling me.  It was all me.  I wanted more of what we had the first night and my time with Evan last night just reinforced that.  So this time, I initiated things and leaned in towards him.  He met me half way and our lips met.

This time, the kiss definitely lasted more than a few seconds.  It was deep and enthusiastic.  I was very aroused and just let myself follow what my body was telling me.  Before I knew it, my hands reached out for him and he did the same with me, just tentative and gentle without exploring.  I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to before I let myself get too overwhelmed, so I slowly broke contact.  Before I left the car though, I gave him one last soft kiss on the lips and, with a warm smile, wished him a good night. Evan thoughtfully waited in the driveway until I got safely in the house before he drove away, which warmed me even more to him.

And I'll admit this here too:  Last night was the only the second time that I'd masturbated since I changed into a woman.  And the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking of Evan.