Revealing Myself

Last night, I had a visit from my best friend Josh. Here's a recap of it as accurately as I can recall and relate it.

I'd decided beforehand to at least get Josh in the house before I started explaining myself.  When Josh rang my doorbell, he looked a bit surprised at first to see a woman greeting him at the door.  So he introduced himself and asked if Lee was in.  I told him he was and invited him in, but obviously didn't bother to introduce myself in return.

He came in and had a seat in my living room.  I could tell he was a little puzzled and he finally said cautiously, "So... how do you know Lee?"

I was unbearably nervous.  And now that I'd finally committed to revealing my transformation, I really wanted to get it overwith as quickly as possible.  I'd rehearsed it more than a dozen times in my head what I wanted to say to him and how to say it to cushion the blow and make the whole situation make the most sense.  But now that he was actually there, my anxiety got the better of me and all that preparation went to hell.  I just blurted out, "Josh, it's me -- Lee."

He just stared at me blankly and silently for a few seconds.  I pulled myself together a bit and tried to start over, "I know, you think I'm crazy.  You're probably thinking 'Who is this strange girl and what has she done with Lee?' but please just give me a few minutes to explain before you call the cops or something.  You know how I had that bad bout of the flu last month.  Well, it wasn't the flu.  I don't know what it was or what happened, but I was laid up for over a week and I think I was even in a coma for a few days.  And when I came to, this is what happened to me.  I woke up and had a woman's body.  I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true.  I've been hiding out at home ever since, trying to figure everything out and decide what to do about it."

As I explained myself, I could see a bit of a smile slowly creep across Josh's face.  "Wow, that's some story", he chuckled somewhat half-heartedly.  "OK Lee," he called out in no particular direction. "Nice joke!  Now come out and stop fucking with me.  I'm not buying it."

I immediately started in again, "Josh, I'm serious.  It really IS me.  I can prove it.  Remember back in university that time when you got so drunk that you proposed to that waitress.  I was the only other one there, so who but me would know that?  Or what about when my Dad was killed in the accident?  You hung out with me that whole night out on my back patio since I couldn't face getting phone calls from other people about it.  Or how about that I know that you sucked your thumb until you were seven?"  I'd prepared ahead of time by coming up with a list of some personal things that only I would know.

Josh definitely looked a little confused and uncertain, but he wasn't giving in yet, "OK, so Lee told you some personal stuff.  So I'm supposed to accept this, right?  Is he videotaping this so he can hold it over my head for rest of my life that I bought this story of his? It was a nice try though."

"Ask me anything, Josh.  It's really me."

"OK, what's my favourite movie?"

"You tell most people that it's Chinatown, but I know you've seen So I Married An Axe Murderer way more often than that," I replied.

"Fine, that was an easy one.  What's my grandmother's name?"

"I never met the one on your mother's side but on your father's side, her name was Dorothy.  We used to go over and swim at her pool."

"When was the last time you saw her?" he quickly snapped back.

"That's a bit of a trick question," I replied confidently. "I guess technically it would have been about two years ago at her funeral."

Josh started to look a bit shaken at that response, but continued to on, "On that night after your Dad died, what did you tell me that you'd decided to do?"

"I'd said that I changed my mind about quitting university and was going to finish my degree."

At that, Josh's mouth fell open a little in surprise.  His questions continued on like this for maybe another ten minutes with each one being more obscure and personal than the last.  With each of my correct answers, he seemed to get a little paler and his composure continued to falter.  I could see that his resolve was collapsing and the reality of it was sinking in.

As for me, I was feeling more and more upset with all of this personal stuff coming up.  Plus the release of finally coming out with the truth after all of my isolation over the last few weeks was making me feel very emotional.  Not to mention, the anxiety that came with fighting with my best friend just to convince him that I am who I say I am.

I'd finally had enough of the questions.  I pleaded with him, "Isn't that enough for you yet?  What else do you need?  You can keep asking questions, but I'm just going to keep giving you the right answers.  It's me!  I don't know how this happened to me, but it did. I've turned into a woman, but it's still me!  Just look at me.  I mean REALLY look at me.  I know that you can still see some of me in there."

Then something occurred to me.  "Josh, what about that scar below my lip that I got when we were skating as kids?  Look at it!  It's still there.  It's me!  Can't you see it?"

Josh slowly looked up at my face.  He'd been half-avoiding eye contact up until now, probably from the discomfort of the whole situation.  But now, he finally REALLY looked at me... and saw that what I'd said was true.  I could see the recognition in his eyes.  As soon as he saw it, I could almost feel the walls come down around him.  His face turned a bright red and he stood up with what could have been anger or confusion or both.  "This is NOT happening," he stated more quietly than would be expected given his appearance.

I'd never been one to get overly emotional, particularly in front of other people.  However I had been getting more and more upset as this went on.  But when I finally saw the truth sink in and saw his reaction to it, my emotions finally boiled over and I did something I'd never done before -- I burst into uncontrollable tears.

"Josh, I need your help!!" I sobbed.

He visibly flinched.  "Oh fucking HELL!!" he burst out, then grabbed his coat and stormed out of my house.

I was emotionally wrecked and spent the better part of the next hour crying, unable to stop myself.  This situation I'm in is so immensely hard to begin with and to have that kind of a response from the first person I tell -- particularly my best friend -- left me shattered.  I spent the whole rest of the evening and last night curled up on the couch, drifting in and out of fitful sleep, trying to get over my misery, pull myself together and figure out what to do next.

This morning, I've left Josh two voicemail messages and sent him an email, hoping to get a response from him, any kind of response.  But I don't have any acknowledgment from him yet.  I'm feeling very hurt and alone right now.