The Appointment

I had my visit from the environmental testing company today.  I'd actually booked the appointment shortly before Christmas but this was the earliest one I could get with the holidays and all. They were here for a couple of hours which I took as a good sign since it seemed to me to be a fairly thorough once-over. Since I'm on an 8-acre lot, they took soil and ground water samples from several locations around my property as well as some air quality tests outside. Inside my house, they did a number of air quality tests in the different rooms and from the duct work. They took water samples from the taps inside the house too.

I'm not sure what all they'll be testing for, but I've instructed them to test for everything they can.  I know they'll be looking for common pollutants, mould, carbon monoxide, radon, etc. but beyond that it's up to them since I have no idea what I'm even looking for. Apparently I'll get a full report back once all of the tests are complete.  At this point though, there's no specific time when this will be finished.

There were two technicians who came for the visit, an older man probably in his 50s and a guy who was probably around my age give-or-take.  Since I was following them around asking questions, I got to talking to the younger technician, whose name is Evan.  It felt so good to carry on a conversation with someone after being isolated for so long that I just babbled on and on until I realized that was what I was doing.  Then I started to ask Evan more about himself so the conversation wasn't all about me.  It turns out we have a lot of common interests with similar tastes in movies and fiction.

Looking back on it now, it's hard to tell how much of the conversation from his side was completely sincere though.  Not to be cynical but I know how guys are with women.  Evan really does seem like a good guy, but I caught him checking out my boobs more than once.  I'm not holding that against him though since I know from personal experience that it's practically a reflex with guys.  Plus I'd be checking myself out too if it weren't my body.  But he did really seem genuine in his interests though and I felt like the conversation went really well.  I hope that he didn't feel like I was talking too much.  I wouldn't want him to think that I was being too pushy.

....

I'm continuing this post about a half-hour later.  I had to take a break to get my head together as I started to realize how I was feeling.  It really didn't occur to me at the time while I was talking with Evan but I felt kind of a nervous excitement.  I guess I kind of attributed it more to the unusual situation of being in a woman's body or having people in my house for the first time since the transformation or something else. But looking back on it now, I really enjoyed talking to Evan, and not just because I needed someone to talk to.

Especially as I read over how I was writing above, not to sound too stereotypical, but it almost looks like it was written by a teenage girl -- questioning his intentions and what I said and whether or not he likes me.  And I realize that I was feeling the same way when I was writing about him as when I was talking with him, with a slight exhilaration and my heart rate racing somewhat.

I need to come clean here, with myself more than anything.  There's no use in lying to myself.  Here's the reality of it.  When talking with Evan and thinking about him, I realize now that it feels the same way (physically and mentally) as I did before as a man when I was with a woman that I liked.  To be even more brutally clear and honest, as difficult as it is for me to admit, I'm attracted to him.

But as hard as it is for me to admit these feelings, coming from my former male perspective, the attraction itself doesn't seem to be troubling me.  In this way, I must really BE a woman.  Whether it's due to hormones or brain wiring or whatever, this attraction feels natural and normal.  Like my experience with masturbation before, I feel like I'm thinking and feeling as a woman would, rather than as a man in a woman's body.

I'm confused but, at the same time, intrigued.