Happy holidays

Christmas has been very lonely this year.  As I think I've said before, I don't have any close family so Christmas isn't usually a "family" time for me.  However I'll usually spend at least some of the time with friends.  But I had to email all of my friends that I was travelling for work during the holiday season this year, so I had an excuse to avoid them.

I just can't bring myself to explain this whole gender change to anyone yet.  I'm terrified that people won't believe me and that'll lead to even worse troubles, like being out of a job, a place to live, etc., etc., etc.

So, Merry Christmas to me.

My First Time In Women's Clothes

I made my second trip out in public yesterday.  In part, it was to get more food.  But the main reason to go out was to buy some clothes for my new female body. 

I know that, unless something changes soon, I'm going to have to continue on as a woman, which will of course require me to go out of the house occasionally.  It would be ridiculous, not to mention awkward and uncomfortable, to continue wearing clothes that aren't even close to fitting. 

But what really pushed me into this decision was the increasing discomfort I was feeling.  Strange as it sounds, my nipples were getting very sensitive and tender from being loose in my shirts all of the time.  My breasts are large enough that their movement is causing too much rubbing.  So as much as I can't believe I'm saying it, I came to the decision that I needed a bra to contain and cover them.  Once I accepted the reality of that decision, I figured that I should get other clothes that fit properly while I was at it, ones that suited my new gender.

So I hit the mall in spite of the Christmas crowds, dressed in what I'd hoped was the least conspicuously odd outfit I could put together.  I went to a large department store first, thinking that I could take care of all of my needs in one place.  Plus I thought I'd be a little more anonymous and receive less attention in a bigger store.  I was immediately overwhelmed though, not even knowing where to begin or what to buy. 

After probably 10 minutes of anxiously and aimlessly wandering around the store, an older saleswoman approached me and asked if I needed help.  Judging by her kindly manner, my guess is that I must have looked completely lost.  Luckily I'd planned a fake story ahead of time that I'd lost all of my clothes in a fire.  I figured that way it would explain my current outfit and lack of clothes.  Plus it would hopefully give me sympathy points so they wouldn't give me a hard time when they found out I didn't even know any of my sizes.  It worked like a charm.  The saleswoman took me under her wing and was nothing but nice to me.

So I ended up getting completely outfitted, since I didn't want to have to do this again any time soon.  She started me out in the lingerie department, apparently so I'd be properly attired to try on other outer clothes.  She sized me up by sight and was able to get several sets of panties for me.  Then I was measured and fitted properly for a bra.  It turns out I'm a 34C.  Surprisingly it was somewhat comforting to have it on for the first while afterward.  I didn't feel quite as exposed as I had up until then.

For general clothes, I decided to stick with jeans and T-shirts (several of each) as I really don't know what I'm doing when it comes to women's clothes.  It's so odd getting used to the fit though.  I'd always been used to my clothes being a little more roomy.  But both the T-shirts and pants were more form-fitting, even form-hugging.  In the new outfits, I realized I had even more of an hourglass figure than I'd noticed before and the clothes really accentuate it.  To keep track and document it, my measurements turned out to be 34-24-25 and I'm apparently a size 4, but the size 2 clothes I think seemed to fit OK too, if only a little snug.  I got myself a winter coat, gloves and boots too (as low of a heel that I could find), just to make sure I was covered for the next little while.

Before leaving, I changed into some of my purchases and walked out for the first time in my first real "girl" outfit.  Part of me was nervous since obviously this was something completely foreign to me.  But part of me felt a great sense of relief, not only because I was no longer wearing those embarrassingly oversized clothes but also because, in some way, the clothes felt more "right" for me.  Psychologically speaking, there was a sense of comfort in having clothes that matched my woman's body.

On the way out to my car, I noticed a few men checking me out, even more so than I had previously at the grocery store.  As I'd thought, the new outfit definitely attracted more attention and I guess showed me off better.  While I'm not really comfortable with this type of attention, at least I know that having a new attractive form can make things somewhat easier for me than things might be if I were otherwise.  It's terrible to say but this can be a very superficial world and, even prior to this, I knew that attractive people are often treated differently. 

And on top of this, I have to admit that I warmed slightly as I involuntarily blushed when I could feel the guys' eyes on me.  I'm trying to tell myself it's just due to embarrassment at the attention from being in women's clothes in public but, to be honest deep-down, there's a part of me that feels that it's not embarrassment at all.  What's happening to me?!

A Dubious Theory

I've found a few links in my research that are somewhat intriguing.  They're all from at least a few years ago and seem like quite a huge stretch to my condition of full spontaneous gender transformation, but I'm willing to entertain any possibilities now.

The following links are all related to the possibility of environmental pollutants having endocrine and hormonal impacts and even affecting the ratio of males-to-females being born.  It's hard to tell what the validity of these articles are, but at least it gives me some kind of a path to go down.

So to rule this out, I'm trying to find a private environmental assessment company to bring out to do a full test at my house and the surrounding area -- air, water, soil, everything.  I don't know whether I hope that they'll find nothing so I know I'm safe or if I hope they do find something so I'll at least have a theory to go with.

Concern for the Male Population
Man-made chemicals blamed as many more girls than boys are born in Arctic
Changes in human sex ratio
Pollution debate born of Chemical Valley's girl-baby boom

Release

This just happened so I had to get it out there.  I've been continuing to research a cause for my gender transformation on the Internet but, as I'd said before, searches on “gender transformation” tend to get side-tracked to porn frequently enough.  Seeing all of this, I continued to get aroused, in spite of me trying to keep my search productive.

The more I saw, the more I felt myself wanting to just cave in to the feelings.  So I finally decided to just go with it and find the release that my body was craving.  It was easy enough finding good adult content since I'd had some bookmarked from my previous life. 

As I watched one video clip after another, my body started to feel sensitive all over and a warmth spread through me.  I cautiously let my hand slide down in between my legs and could feel that I was already starting to get wet.  I slowly started to rub myself, but just lightly since I was still nervous as this was a completely new experience.  The feeling was incredible and I started to lose myself into the rhythm of it.  Before I realized it, I had my other hand on my breasts.  My nipples were already hard and so sensitive that it was almost overwhelming to massage them, but I didn't stop.

Soon the gentle rubbing between my legs wasn't enough and I got faster and firmer.  It was excruciating in a way I'd never felt before.   I lost myself in the feeling.  As a hetero male, I'd never before had any inclination to have anything inserted into me, but now I could feel that I still needed more.  It got to the point that I couldn't take it any longer.  I carefully and slowly slid one finger inside me, then two.  Almost immediately, I felt an exquisite explosion as I came.  Wave after wave of it hit me.  I briefly felt like the aftershocks wouldn't stop, nor did I want them to.  But finally it came to an end and left me with a exhilarated feeling of spent satisfaction.

The whole experience throughout was so different and powerful.  I'd felt orgasms plenty of times as a man and always knew what to expect.  This time though, physically I could feel my muscles acting and convulsing differently, particularly through my pelvis.  I had a heightened level of energy and sensitivity all over my body that was very different from the feeling of sensitivity I’d always had with a male body.

Also in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to talk about my mental state, which you'll see has me confused.  As I got more deeply into the pleasure of it, my mind drifted into fantasy.  That's not unusual.  However this time, as I watched the adult movie, I started fantasizing from the perspective of the woman in the movie.  Without realizing it at the time, I saw myself not as a man in a woman's body, but actually as a woman.  I was imagining myself being taken by the male actor and wanting more.  In the throes of arousal, it seems that my male self receded and my female body was driving my thoughts.

I really don't understand this.  Maybe with this new form, female hormones are impacting more than just my body physically.  Or another thought that occurs to me is that maybe more than just my body on the outside changed.  It could be possible that my brain was physiologically changed and "re-wired" along with the rest of my body.  Or maybe it's one of those strange psychological adjustments the brain makes on its own in that I started thinking as a woman since my body felt like a woman's.  I just don't know how this came about.

However what's more disconcerting than the fact that I was fantasizing as a woman is the fact that it isn't troubling me more.  Maybe it's because it's just so fresh and new and the sensations were so intense and enjoyable, but I really wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  And in all honesty the fantasies, while foreign and confusing, aren't really distressing me to the extent that I'd think they should be.

Back To Work

Unfortunately the reality of day-to-day life finally hit when I realized that I need to start working again.  I've done no work for the better part of the last three weeks, so it's time to get back to it or I'll lose my contracts.  Plus I need to start earning money again.

By profession, I'm a senior analyst and I've always worked predominantly freelance on a contract basis. Generally I work with anywhere between two and four different companies at any one time and I do all of my work from home remotely.  Currently I'm under contract with two companies, both of which have been very understanding about my "sick time", but it's time to get back to it regardless of my predicament.  I still need to earn money to live, regardless of whether I'm a man or a woman.

Given my current state, a huge benefit of working remotely is that almost all of my communications are through email, IM, etc.  My phone calls are minimal enough that I can get away with avoiding them altogether without raising any suspicion of any kind.

First Picture Posted

As you can see, I've now posted a picture of myself that I took.  To me, it's like I took a picture of someone else. 

The more I can step back and be objective about it, it really seems that my new face and body are quite attractive.

Frustration

I've been scouring the Internet for some idea of what might have happened to me.  There are plenty of fiction sites and "gender bender" movies and things, all of them related to some kind of magical or sci-fi source of the transformation.  I have yet to find anything real yet though, not even a trace reference to an actual gender transformation, with the exception of transgender people who undergo surgery etc. to get to that point.  I'm going to continue looking though.

Of course, one downside of this kind of search turns out to be there's a lot of adult sites related to this topic.  Don't get me wrong -- I certainly enjoy porn as much as the next guy and have spent my own fair share of time on the Internet just for that.  But even though I'm really trying to be productive and find some way of understanding my predicament, I find that I'm getting aroused seeing all of this stuff.  However it's a different kind of feeling than I'm used to.  It's a warmth that's spreading through my whole body and my skin is sensitive and tingling all over.

Here's the real problem though:  I'm reluctant to do anything about it.  It's ironic.  In going through a lot of the fiction and movies on this gender transformation topic, a repeating theme is that the man turns into woman and soon afterward does something sexual with his new body.  However the reality of it is that I've had so much shock and stress over this that it really hasn't crossed my mind until now.  The other thing is, since my female parts are so new to me, I've been very cautious about touching them or doing anything with them at all.  It was hard enough to get used to peeing for the first while.

So for now, this web crawling is just getting me frustrated.  Firstly because I'm not finding any information to help me out.  And secondly, it's frustrating physically since my arousal keeps building and I'm reluctant to do anything to release it.

Out In Public For The First Time

Yesterday I finally had to reveal myself to the outside world and leave the secrecy and privacy of my house.  I'd gone through all of the food in the house that I could scrape together and staying home was no longer an option.

I'm sure I looked somewhat ridiculous with the clothes I was wearing.  I tried to find the smallest clothes I had, but they were all still too big.  So my pants had to be rolled up and cinched in with a belt.  I wore a T-shirt so I wouldn't have to worry about the length of the sleeves but it was still way too baggy.  Plus it's cold out now too, so of course I had to wear my winter coat, which was even worse than the rest since it was so big.  The worst part was the shoes though.  There was no getting around that.  I had to stuff some socks in the end of my running shoes so they wouldn't be flopping around, but it felt like I was wearing clown shoes.

I tried to convince myself that I didn't look as foolish as I thought by telling myself it probably just looked like a girl borrowing her boyfriend's clothes.  But either way, I was incredibly nervous going out in public.

Just to make sure that I didn't have any unforeseen troubles, I drove into a different part of town than I'd usually frequent as my former male self and went to a grocery store that I'd never been to before.  I loaded up with as much food as I could since I really want to minimize how frequently I'm out in public right now.

Obviously given that this was the first time out with people seeing my new female body, I was certainly more than a little self-conscious.  However I know that I was getting a lot of looks, from both men and women.  Understandably, at least some of those would have been because of my crazy outfit.  But it definitely went beyond that.  I caught at least a couple of men looking me up and down and it wasn't because of my wardrobe -- it was in spite of it.  Speaking from my personal male experience, I know that men will go after almost anything that's female, but these guys were checking me out like I was hot.  Part of me felt uncomfortable with that kind of attention.  However in the spirit of honesty, in the back of my mind there's a small thought that's saying "Well at least if I've become a woman, I turned out to be an attractive one". 

Since my credit card has my actual name of "Lee" on it, I was able to get away with using it to pay for my groceries without having to get into any difficult conversations about whose card it was.

Once I was home, I felt much better about the whole outing.  Before going out, I was a nervous wreck and thought that everyone would be staring and realizing that I was an impostor of a woman.  But after being out in public for a bit, that tension eased up as I realized that people just saw me as an actual woman with nothing unusual, besides maybe my clothes.  The next outing will be much easier, I think.

Isolation

I still have yet to tell anyone about this transformation.  I don't have any close family to speak of and I don't know what I'd tell my friends -- or if they'd even believe who I was. 

Besides, until I can come to grips with this myself, I don't even know how I'd be able to speak to anyone intelligently about it or convince them that it was me.  I thought about getting medical help, but I'm sure I'd just end up being committed to a mental ward.

On the plus side, I live on an 8-acre lot about 20 minutes out of the city and my closest neighbour is 2 km away.  So, not that I've even considered leaving the house yet, but at least I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me and wondering who I am.

Detailing The Changes

OK, I'm attempting to be rational about this and get all of the details down in the hopes that it will start to make a little more sense.  I'm trying to remain as objective as possible too, just to keep from going completely mad.

For the record, my name is Lee Wildersen and I'm 26 years old.  I know this likely sounds strange, but I'm using the name "Lea" (pronounced LEE-ah) here to help compartmentalize things in my head.  You have no idea how difficult it is psychologically to think of yourself in terms of one gender when you're so obviously the other gender physically.  Please don't think this is a sign of acceptance on my part at all.  On the contrary, I'm spending every waking hour trying to understand this so I can possibly reverse it.  The problem is though that my sense of self is so drastically fractured now.  So this is one way I've found that works to help alleviate at least a small bit of anxiety and free my mind up somewhat.

Let me detail some of the physical changes:

In my face, I can still recognize some of my old appearance, just traces of familiarity in the eyes and general facial structure.  The small faint scar just under my lower lip that I've always had is still there. However more has changed than has stayed the same.  My face has softened quite a lot.  My usually angular checkbones and jawline have evened out and plumped a bit.  My nose has narrowed and my lips have become a lot fuller.  And my eyes seem to have widened or opened up more or something as well.  I can't really put my finger on it but they certainly draw attention into them more than I remember from before.  My hair has stayed the same colour (dark brown) but has grown substantially longer, past my shoulders, even though on the flip side I seem to have lost the hair on most of the rest of my body.

And it's with my body that the most radical and fundamental changes have occurred.  I don't recognize anything of my former self there.  I can now see that, during that three-week period, my body must have been shedding a substantial amount of its mass.  Prior to this transformation, I was 5'10" and around 175 lbs.  However now, I'm barely 5'6" and weigh in at only 115 lbs.  It's so hard getting used to this overall size difference.  I feel so much lighter and more free in my movements, but at the same time, I haven't yet been able to adjust my equilibrium to account for the changes in height, weight, center of gravity, etc.  Since the change, I've been feeling very clumsy, but I'm getting better as time goes on.

The shape of my body is obviously very different as well.  I'm not really good with these kinds of things so I don't really know what (for lack of a better term) my "female measurements"  are.  I feel very awkward getting through this next stuff but I really want to document everything to give the full picture.  Firstly, my breasts seem to be a good size.  I couldn't tell you what size but, coming from a man's perspective, they look nice for my frame.  My hips and butt have rounded out as well, so that I look fairly curvy.  With my fuller hips and butt, my pants seem to hug at that point, but they're far too big at the waist.  I normally wear a size 34 pants, so I can only assume that my hips are maybe slightly more than that and my waist is maybe 8-10 inches less than that.

Of course lastly, my male genitalia has been replaced with female genitalia. 

I really can't make myself go into any more detail on this.  The longer I write here, the more anxious it's making me, to the point now that I can almost feel an anxiety attack coming on.  Need to quit for now.

The Beginning

Please believe me that I can't believe it myself that I'm typing these words:  I woke up three days ago and was no longer male.  I now have a woman's body!!

As near as I can figure, this transformation must have started about three weeks ago.  It started with me feeling run down and lethargic.  Then it quickly seemed to get worse and I lost my appetite.  I could barely eat anything for the better part of a week.  I thought it was just a really bad bout with the flu and decided to ride it out as usual. 

After a week of struggling through, it got drastically worse.  I couldn't keep anything down and seemed to be throwing up even when I hadn't eaten anything.  My clothes felt like they were hanging off me so I knew I was losing weight.  My whole body seemed to ache and I spent half the time sleeping in a difficult, restless sleep.  I was completely housebound for almost a week, feeling worse than I'd ever felt in my life.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep.  It was by far the deepest sleep I've ever had as I have no recollection of the time at all.  I hesitate to say this since it's obviously just speculation, but I may have even been in a coma.

When I finally came to (I found out afterward that it was 3 days later), I felt more like my old self -- at least health-wise -- since the symptoms seemed to have broken and I was feeling good again.  However I very quickly found out the real problem... that I no longer had my old body and I had a female body instead!

I've spent the last three days trying to get over the shock and trying to come to grips with what's happened.  Since I've always kept a blog before and it was a good outlet for me, I decided to start this one.  I'm hoping this will help me to keep my sanity and also document what's happening to me.

More to come once I can get my head straight.