Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Reality -- The Bad and The Good

OK, so I lied.  It's been about a month, so I didn't post again soon like I said I would.

Shortly after things were wrapped up with the lawyers and I wrote my last posting, I have to admit that I had a bit of a breakdown.  I don't mean a full-on mental episode with hospitalization or anything.  But I did have about three days where I couldn't keep my emotions in check.  I spent most of that time wavering between depression and near-panic, as the reality of everything finally settled in.  The finality of it all, between resolving things with RAMJAC and knowing that I'm permanently a woman now, really sunk in once I had time to really think about things... and it all hit me hard.

After a few days of this, I realized that I just needed to get away for a while.  I needed to have a break from everything in order to have a fresh perspective and to not have to worry about day-to-day issues. Travelling internationally was out of the question since I hadn't gotten my passport situation settled yet. However I found a beautiful, private lakeside cottage for rent online and got it for a whole month.  It was only about a four-hour drive from home, but still perfect for its seclusion.

I spent about a week there entirely on my own, just getting my head together.  It was difficult at first but got better with each day.  The cottage was enormously calming.  I spent most of the time resting, reading, enjoying the beach, swimming, etc. I kept my cell off for the entire time and it was great to be completely unplugged for a change.

However after a week, I have to admit that I got a bit lonely.  When I finally turned my cell back on, there were messages from Josh, Lauren and of course Evan, all sounding worried about me.  I texted Josh and Evan, letting them know that I was OK and not to be concerned, but let them know that I'd leave my cell on in case they needed to reach me.  I thought it was time though to have someone to talk to, so I called Lauren.  We had a very long, very liberating talk.  At the end of it, I invited Lauren up to spend time with me at the cottage, which she ended up doing for almost a week.  I was so good to be able to share it with her.

Of course, even though I didn't need to, Lauren had to return to her life, so she left to go back home.  The next day, I called Evan for the first time in weeks.  I almost broke into tears when he answered the phone, as I was so happy to hear his voice.  In addition to everything else we talked about, it turned out that he quit his job with the firm he was with since he was so disturbed by its connections with RAMJAC, after everything that happened.  So since he was between jobs (he already had something new lined up), I invited him up to the cottage.  He came up two days later and spent the better part of two weeks there with me.  When he arrived, we immediately took back up just like when we first started seeing each other.  It felt so phenomenal to be a couple again, in love again.  I can't imagine a happier time.  We spent those weeks talking, relaxing, joking, making love and just being with each other.

Neither of us wanted our time there to end, but we realized that you can't escape reality forever.  So this past weekend, we left and came back home.

Who knows where things will take me going forward. All I know is that I now feel happier and more whole than I've felt in a very long time.

Monday, April 30, 2012


For all of you who have been following my posts here, I first want to apologize for leaving so much time in between postings.  It was under my lawyers' request that I limit my communications until things were resolved with RAMJAC.  However that time has finally come!

I'll cut to the chase.  After much deliberating between the lawyers, RAMJAC has agreed to pay out $6.6 million in damages.  It's somewhat less than we originally requested but is still a huge amount.

RAMJAC was certainly over a barrel on this one since we had so much proof of their wrongdoing, so it wouldn't have been too difficult to take them for the full amount.  However it was really at my request that we ease off.  This was partly due to me wanting to have this all over with.  I needed to be done with this chapter of my life so I could start living again.

However my real concern was that I'm in a bit of a difficult position myself.  It would have been very easy to publicly out RAMJAC for everything they'd done. However that would mean outing me too.  And even though I've accepted my new life as a woman, I have no intention of being a public spectacle or a medical oddity.  I just want to begin living my life as normally as possible, with as few people knowing as possible. So that put me in a slightly weaker negotiating position with RAMJAC.  They certainly didn't want the word getting out, but neither did I.  That's why I was just as happy to not take a hard line with them on the final number.

Included in this deal were two other benefits.  One was that they'd take possession of my house and property.  I was kind of sorry to see it go, since it was my home.  However I had no intention of going back there with it being contaminated.  They'll be responsible for the clean up there and in the surrounding area.

The other thing was at my insistence.  I could never be completely free to live my life as a woman unless I had the documentation to back up who I was.  As it is now, my passport, driver's licence, etc. all say "Male" on them.  So I could never renew them or travel internationally or any number of other issues.  I needed to be able to back up who I was physically. Together we were able to put together a plan which, although being somewhat fraudulent, was true in the big picture.  Through their contacts, RAMJAC was able to acquire two doctors in Spain who specialize in sexual reassignment surgery that would substantiate that they performed the surgery on me.  I'm not sure how they pulled those strings.  I just care that it's done.  Now with this documentation in hand, I can apply to have the my gender changed on my birth certificate, passport, etc.  It's the final step I needed to have a complete life again.

Now that this is resolved, I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  But I couldn't be happier that there's been restitution and resolution to this -- and that RAMJAC has finally admitted to their wrongdoing.  I'll post again soon.

Monday, April 9, 2012


I know that things take time, but I can't help but be impatient at the pace that things move now that the lawyers are involved.  It's only been about a week and a half since my lawyers delivered the paperwork to RAMJAC, but you'd think we'd have more a response from them given the hugeness of this.  So far, all we received was a confirmation from them that they'd received the paperwork.

I realized that I haven't gone into the details of the claim.  The amount of damages that my lawyers calculated was $7.5 million.  At the time they gave me this figure, I have to be honest that I was a bit stunned.  Even though RAMJAC's negligence has forever changed my life and I really want them to pay for what they've done, I never thought the number would be so high.

Although after my lawyers brought me into their thinking, it certainly made more sense.  Even though I feel fine now, there's the possibility of future medical issues related to the DEHP exposure.  Plus there's the reality of potential psychological treatment for stress or depression due to my drastic life change. I'd like to think I'm handling it well now, but there's still a chance down the road.

The biggest chunk of this though was from potential lost income for the remainder of my working life.  I could need time off for future medical issues.  Or my career may have to change completely due to me being a different person.  And unfortunately, there's also the risk of me earning less than I did before just because I'm female now.  It's completely ridiculous, but it's certainly a reality.

Also, my lawyers included my house along with all of my personal property.  This hadn't occurred to me before, but I can't really do anything with a contaminated piece of property.  And all of my belongings are there as well, possibly exposed.  So included in this claim is the concept of RAMJAC buying out my property.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Good News

Over the last few days, I had two great things happen.

The first was news from my lawyer.  The fingerprint analysis that they commissioned came back as a match!  So the verified sample they had from when I was a man matched perfectly with my current fingerprints, with just a slight size difference given my smaller female body.  This was the last outstanding item which further proved who I am and what happened to me.

Since we now have that last piece and all of the paperwork could be finalized, my lawyer Hewitt was able to make the first contact with RAMJAC.  I'm not sure what all of the procedures involved are, but I trust my lawyers to make sure everything is being done that needs to be done.  Now we just have to wait for RAMJAC's reply so we can get the conversation going.

The second great thing came out of the blue last night.  It was a call from Evan!!

When I saw his number on my caller ID, my heart jumped.  For a few seconds, I felt paralyzed and didn't even answer the call.  Once I finally did, all I could say was, "Hi."

Evan hesitated too, then said, "Hi Lea."

"It's so good to talk to you," I said tentatively.  "Evan, you have no idea how sorry I am about everything.  I can't apologize enough.  I know you must hate me, but I'm so glad you called..."

He cut me off, "Lea, I don't hate you.  Just let me talk though....  Shit, this is hard.  I thought I knew what I wanted to say but now...."

"Go on.  I'm not going anywhere," I said, nervous about what might be coming next.

"This whole thing is beyond confusing.  I mean, here I found this great girl and everything couldn't be better, then I find out that she used to be a guy.  Just the idea that this was even possible is baffling, but to find out that it happened to you really threw me.  When you told me, I didn't know what to think.  It was just too much to take in.  I was in shock.  Since then, I've been trying to sort things out in my head.  At first, to be honest, I was angry with you, very angry.  I felt betrayed, like you'd been trying to deceive me all along.  I felt like a fool."

"Evan, I..." I tried to jump in.

"No, let me finish.  I know now that part of what I was feeling was due to the normal guy bullshit -- what did it mean about my sexuality if I slept with someone who used to be a man?  It was partly my male ego taking offense.  But the other part was just having not been part of such a huge aspect of your life.  It was like I didn't know you at all when, up until then, I felt like we were so close.  It really hurt me."  He paused briefly before continuing, "I've thought about things a lot since then.  And after I calmed down some, I read your blog too... several times.  It helped give me your side of things.  Now that I've had some time to get some perspective, I realize that I'm not mad at you. I've come to realize that you were put into a terrible situation yourself and you did what you felt you had to do.  And even though it took a lot to come to grips with, I think I'm starting to accept who you are versus who you were.  Your blog helped a lot with that and made me see that you really are a woman now and not a man-in-a-woman's-body.  I can't say that I'm 100% with it, but I fell like I'm starting to understand that now."

"I'm really glad to hear that."

"Of course, I still can't help feeling hurt and deceived about the whole thing.  Objectively I know that wasn't how you meant for things to be.  But I can't help feeling the way I feel.  It's not an overwhelming feeling, otherwise I wouldn't be calling you.  But I need you to understand that it's still there."

"I can't blame you at all for that.  In fact, I'd be surprised if you didn't feel that way."

"Yeah.  I'm not saying that in order to upset you, but there it is.  But the more that time passed, the more I realized that I couldn't stop thinking about you.  It was really confusing.  Even with all of the sex change stuff and with me feeling like our trust was broken, I still missed you.  So that's why I'm calling you -- to tell you all of this.  I don't know where this is going or what I even want to happen yet.  All I know is that the idea of never seeing you again just isn't something that I'm ready for."

I was so happy to hear him say it that I felt like I was glowing.  It was a long way from being back to where we were before, but at least it was step closer.  I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I was too emotional to speak.

After a long pause, Evan continued, "Lea, are you still there?"

"Yes," I finally managed to get out, breaking up a bit. "I'm not going anywhere....  I completely understand your feelings and your confusion about all of this.  But whatever you need me to do to help make things right again, I'll do.  Whatever you decide you're ready for, please know that the most important thing to me is that I can repair your trust in me."

"Thanks, Lea.  I appreciate that.  So... I think what I need right now is to just take things very slow and see how it goes.  Even though I'm beginning to accept who you are and what you've been, that doesn't mean I can fully jump on board yet.  It's just a lot to accept.  I want to, but it's confusing.  Maybe for next little while, it would be best if we just continue to talk on the phone instead of in person.  I just need more time.  And I really hope I'm not leading you on. I just don't know at this point if we will have what we had before, but I'm not ready to lose you."

"Whatever you need.  I'm just overjoyed to be talking to you again.  I missed you so much, Evan."

After that, we talked for a couple of hours more.  Evan had plenty of questions about all of my experiences around the transformation and about what had happened over the last few weeks since we'd talked last.  I filled him in on everything... and didn't hold anything back.

Monday, March 26, 2012

First Contact

It turned out that Gamble was able to meet with me on Friday.  He said that the delay was due to available flights but who knows about the truth in that.

I set up the meeting place at a large busy public square in town.  Not to be too paranoid, but I wanted to make sure that there would be plenty of witnesses and exit routes just in case anything happened.  I also asked Josh to come along and video the meeting from a safe distance too.

Josh and I got to the location early to get a good spot.  Gamble arrived right on time.  I saw him approaching from across the square, not knowing it was him at first of course.  I'd place him probably in his mid-50s, slightly overweight, balding but not bald, and very well-dressed in what was likely an expensive suit.  Overall he seemed very well put together and confident as he strode across the square.  I wouldn't call him "slick"-looking, but that wouldn't be far from the truth.  He obviously knew me on site, since he came straight over to the bench where I was sitting.

"Lee?  I'm happy that we can finally meet in person," he said, sticking out his hand.  I stood and shook his offered hand.

"Yes.  To be honest, I wouldn't use the word 'happy' under the circumstances.  It would be nice if we hadn't have had to met at all.  And I'm using the name 'Lea' now, as I'm sure you understand."

"My sincere apologies.  I didn't mean to overstep myself here.  Please understand that I meant no offense."

"Please sit," I said, not really wanting to accept his apology even though it was really a minor thing. "First off, let me tell you that I'm video-taping our meeting from a distance.  I'm also going to be recording our talk," I continued while pulling my phone out and placing it on the bench between us. "You can probably understand that, given everything that's gone on, trust is not exactly high on my list."

"Understood," Gamble replied.  "But I just want to reassure you that all of this cloak-and-dagger stuff won't be necessary.  This is just a friendly discussion and there's no reason for you to be concerned."

"Forgive me if I don't feel any reason to believe you," I said, a little hotter than I'd planned.  "You've had me under surveillance for the last few months, so I think I'm justified in feeling a little suspect, not to mention violated."

"Surveillance?" he questioned.

"Please don't insult me.  You know that my phone was tapped, not to mention the videos you took inside my home," I said, regretting it as soon as it came out.  My anger was getting the better of me and I had to get it under control before I let out more information than I wanted to.  As I'd planned, I pulled up the transformation video on my phone and started it at the key part.  "I know you're familiar with this."

It played for a few seconds and I saw, for the first time, Gamble was unsettled.  He took a breath before continuing, "Where did you get this?"

It was good to see I had the upper hand again. "Where I got it isn't important.  The fact is that I do have it, along with other evidence of the toxic leak at RAMJAC, what it did to me and your efforts to cover it up and spy on me.  This isn't something that you can make go away.  I have proof of the truth and it will come out."

"Lea, I want you to understand that RAMJAC is concerned about your happiness and there's certainly room for discussion.  I'll need to involve all of the appropriate parties on my end, but we can definitely address your concerns.  However I can understand the urgency for you."

"I think this is a little more than a 'concern', don't you?  You've changed me into a woman!  My life as I knew it is gone."  I lost it a bit from Gamble downplaying it.

"Again, my apologies.  I understand the severity of your complaint and don't mean to belittle it.  I'll need to have some time to address it on my end."

"OK, go back to your people and start talking.  You'll be hearing from my lawyer shortly and we can start sorting things out.  But before I brought attorneys in, I wanted to be able to see you face-to-face so you could see how your company's carelessness changed my life."

Gamble paused briefly at the mention of lawyers, then continued, "Of course.  I'm sure we'll be talking soon.  Good day."  Then he got up and walked off.

I realized afterward that I'd given away more than he had.  In fact, he hadn't given up any information and hadn't even made any kind of admission of guilt or awareness of this issue.  Not even an admission that any of it actually happened.  This was a fact-finding mission for him, nothing more.  It turned out that he was slick after all.

I filled my lawyers in after the fact.  They didn't know I'd set up the meeting, since I knew they'd stop me from doing it in the first place.  They stopped short of calling me a idiot, but it was quite clear that they weren't happy with me.  I provided them the recordings of the discussion, which alleviated their concerns somewhat since I hadn't told Gamble too much.  However they did say that, if I pulled something like that again without telling them, they'd drop me as a client.  So I promised to keep them in the loop about everything going forward.

They're still putting together the information and the appropriate paperwork, but will soon be approaching RAMJAC with the case.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Making The First Move

I could no longer wait around and hope that something would happen.  It was time for me to take the initiative.

So this morning, I put in a call to RAMJAC directly. Luckily with us having access to their network, I was also able to get hold of the phone number I really wanted -- Gamble's cell phone.  After screwing up my courage, I placed the call.  It rang a few times before a voice answered, "Richard speaking."

"Is this Richard Gamble?"  I inquired, just to be sure I had the right guy.

"Yes, who's this?"

I paused for a moment before answering.  "This is Lee Wildersen," I answered, using my real name to be sure there wouldn't be any confusion.

There were several seconds of silence on the other end of the line.  I started to think that we were disconnected or that he'd hung up.  Finally he replied, very hesitantly, "Yes?"

"Mr. Gamble, I know that you know who I am and why I'm calling.  I think you and I have a lot to discuss."

He'd regained a bit of his composure when he responded, "Yes, I suppose we have."

"Given the seriousness of the topic, I don't imagine that you'd want to discuss it over the phone, which suits me fine as well.  I'd like to arrange a face-to-face meeting with you."  I'd already thought this all through prior to making the call.  I wanted him in a public place for my own safety, but I didn't really want him thinking I was doing it from a defensive position.

"Lee, my office is not local to your area, but I can arrange to get there by tomorrow, or Friday at the latest.  Would that be acceptable?"

"The earlier the better.  As I'm sure you can understand, this isn't something that can wait any longer than it already has."  I gave him the location where I wanted to meet with him and asked him to text me back with the time he'd be able to make it there for.

Gamble replied, "I'll have that time for you within the hour.  I'd also like to ask you a favor.  I hope that I'm not overstepping myself, but I'd like to ask you not to make any decisions or to take any actions until after we talk.  I'm sure that our discussion can be productive."

I only answered with, "I'll see you there."  Then I hung up.

I'm sure that my lawyers wouldn't approve of me approaching RAMJAC directly, but this is something I feel I have to do.  Not to mention the fact that much of the evidence we have was obtained illegally, so I'm still unsure of how they will be able to play into this.

Friday, March 16, 2012


It's been over a week since we've found any additional evidence from RAMJAC, based on Josh's scans and periodic digging on our part.  Up until now, I've been holding off on taking action of any kind because I didn't want to play my hand too early and end up losing the upper hand.  However the evidence we have so far -- the emails from Gamble, the fake and real environmental assessments, the bugged phone calls and especially the video of my transformation -- are all quite strong and damning for RAMJAC.  And with no new information turning up, it was time to start making a move.

I'm still not exactly sure how I want to handle things with RAMJAC or what I can possibly do.  But one thing I realized I needed to do was to legitimize all of this evidence.  Everything had to be formalized and documented so I could further prove it if necessary. Also I needed to expand out the number of people who were in the loop on my situation, just in case something should happen to me or to the evidence.

So I decided to get my lawyer involved.  It would take care of everything I just mentioned but still keep things under the wraps of client confidentiality.  I'd set up an appointment for yesterday with a lawyer named Thiessen that I've dealt with over the years -- for wills, my parents' estate, etc. -- that I know fairly well.  He's someone I trust to be understanding and discreet. I'm not going bother detailing the confusion he had when I showed up in his offices as a woman.  I've already gone over that description when I told my friends and Evan.  This time was really no different. Of course, there were the usual attempts at convincing him that I was who I said I was, but the clincher was the transformation video which I showed him on my phone.  It took him a while to come around but, after the shock wore off, he was able to accept what I was telling him. Then he called his secretary and asked her to clear his schedule for the remainder of the afternoon.

Once he had some time to think, he decided to call in one of the other attorneys in his firm, a man named Hewitt that deals exclusively in personal injury law, since this really fell into his wheelhouse.  Thiessen assured me that Hewitt was very qualified and that I could trust him implicitly with my secret.  Obviously Hewitt had to go through the process of disbelief and shock as everyone else.  Afterward Hewitt ended up clearing his schedule for the day too and the three of us spent the rest of the afternoon in a closed-door meeting, while I told them everything that I went through and everything I knew.

A couple of good things came out of this meeting. One was a feeling of finally legitimizing and validating what has happened to me.  For the last few months since my change, I'd always felt like I was hiding myself and my life from everyone.  There was an enormous relief in being able to reveal this massive news to someone, especially someone who, for all intents and purposes, is an uninvolved independent third party, someone from the general public.  And being attorneys, they were able to ground this in reality and look at it for what it really boils down to -- an injury resulting from RAMJAC's negligence and a severe invasion of my rights.  To their credit, these guys did a great job in looking past the fantastic side of this and accepting it as-is.

The other great thing that came out of this was completely unexpected.  During our discussions, Thiessen remembered something.  A couple of years back, I had been finger-printed as part of a routine screening that I went through when doing some confidential work for a client.  That had been notarized by Thiessen and they still had copies of my prints on file at their offices.  Presumably my fingerprints hadn't changed, maybe other than size, along with my transformation.  So they finger-printed me again yesterday and sent both copies out for analysis and comparison.  Assuming that they match, it would be further confirmed proof that I am who I say I am, besides the video of my transformation.

For the time being, we haven't formulated a plan yet. From Thiessen's and Hewitt's standpoint, this was obviously completely foreign and unprecedented, so they asked that I give them more time while they do some research and have further discussions on their end. From my side, I asked them not to take any actions at all and to keep our discussion confidential between the three of us.  Even though I'm starting to let the story out, I'm not ready to go public on this.  I have visions of the word spreading and me becoming an object of ridicule or becoming a medical freak that gets sealed up in a lab for testing or something.

Plus I haven't decided how I want to approach RAMJAC yet.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I Miss You


I know I've left you a couple of voicemail messages and sent you a couple of texts, but I really hope I can hear from you.  From here, I'll let you have some space since I realize how hard all of this must be to take in.  But if you're reading my blog here now, you've followed the link I just emailed you.

I hope this all makes sense to you and gives you more insight into what I was going through over the last few months and how I was feeling.  On the weekend, I was having a hard time expressing everything but maybe this journal will be a better explanation.  I hope that nothing in it embarrasses you, as that definitely wasn't my intention.  I was just trying to get all of my thoughts down to help me through this confusing time.

I never meant to hurt you or deceive you, even though I know that was the end result.  Things just happened that I never expected or anticipated and I had no way of explaining it until recently.

I'd like to think it's clear in my writings here how I feel about you.  But if it's not, let me say it here.  I care for you very deeply.  I've never felt about another person the way I feel about you.  And I miss you so much that it pains me.

Even though I could understand it if you couldn't forgive me, more than anything I hope you can find it in your heart to do so.  So please, I'd give anything to talk to you again.


Monday, March 12, 2012

The Truth

After a lot of anxious worrying, I managed to work up my courage to tell Evan about my transformation.  He deserved to know the whole truth and he was eventually going to find out anyway.  So I invited him over to Josh's place this weekend and asked Josh to make himself scarce.  I'd let Evan know ahead of time that I needed to talk to him about something serious so he could be at least somewhat prepared.  Of course, no one could ever be prepared for what I was about to tell him.

When he arrived, I brought him in, sat him down and immediately started in, "Evan, I have something to tell you that I've been putting off all along.  It's been a confusing time for me and I just didn't know how to tell you.  Plus, to be honest, I'm afraid that you're going to hate me once you know.  But with all of the recent things we've found out about RAMJAC and this toxic spill, things are now making more sense to me and, since I really care about you, you need to know the whole truth."

"Lea, you're scaring me here.  Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out," Evan replied.

"OK, there's no easy way to say this.  You might have noticed that I haven't really talked about my past that much.  I've tended to avoid the subject most of the time since it was difficult for me to talk about... or more specifically I didn't really know how to talk about my past in a way that would make sense.  Well, there's a reason for that.  I didn't know the cause at the time, but the leak at RAMJAC changed me."

"What do you mean?"

"Back a few months ago, right around the time of the spill, I started to feel terrible.  I thought it was the flu at the time and it got progressively worse over a couple of weeks.  But it turned out to be so much more."  I paused briefly to pull myself together, since my nerves were beginning to get the better of me.  "I wasn't always like this... the way you know me."

Evan just stared at me, I'm sure not knowing what to say.

"Evan, before this accident of RAMJAC's... I was... I used to be... a man."

Evan chuckled a bit at the absurdity of it, but I could tell that he was still uncertain if I was being serious or not.  "You had me going there.  I was really getting scared."

"I'm telling the truth.  Up until this last few months, my whole life was as a man.  But these chemicals changed me.  I don't know how it happened, but it did.  I've read up about this DEHP and it's a xenoestrogen.  Maybe the extreme hormone exposure I got did this, I don't know.  All I know is I've changed completely, both physically and mentally. I'm fully a woman now, not only with a female body but female thoughts as well."

"Lea, I'm not sure what to say.  You seem really sincere here but..." his voice trailed off in uncertainty. I'm sure he was afraid of offending me and worried that I'd lost my mind.

"I know.  This seems impossible and maybe you think I've snapped or something.  I wouldn't have believed it a few months ago either, but it's all true. Let me show you something."  I brought him over to my computer and sat him down in front of it.  "I hadn't told you this but a couple of days ago, something turned up in our snooping on Gamble's computer at RAMJAC.  We found a series of video files.  It turns out that the spyware on my computer was using the webcam on my laptop and sending pictures to RAMJAC.  They'd been spying on me the whole time, even before I changed."  I hit play on the video saying, "Please just watch this.  I hope it doesn't upset you too much, but you need to see it.  This was taken in my bedroom."

Evan started to say something, but I stopped him, "Please, just watch."

He resigned himself to seeing what it was I had to show him.  I started the video from the beginning and Evan watched as my old male self entered the picture.  He had a look of curiosity on his face and was likely wondering who the sickly man was on the screen.  But he stuck with it.  Eventually the video came to the point where I was in bed and the transformation accelerated.  I watched Evan as he sat transfixed on the screen, his mouth hanging open slightly.  I let the video play all the way through to the point that the change was complete and I was now fully a woman in my current form.  Not once did Evan's eyes leave the screen.  Then I slowly reached across and stopped the playback.

With tears welling up, I continued to explain myself, "I never meant for any of this to happen or to hurt you in any way.  It was a confusing time and I was trying to understand what had happened to me.  When we met, it was the first time I'd felt good since I'd changed. Then afterward I realized that I had strong feelings for you, feelings like I'd never had before. And the closer we got, the more scared I was to tell you who I really was.  I didn't want to lose you."

Evan finally looked away from the screen and turned to me.  The colour had gone out of his face and, for what seemed like an eternity, he stared at me wide-eyed.  I couldn't tell if the look was one of amazement or horror... or maybe just repulsion.  Finally, he started to talk but the words choked in his throat. Then he shook his head slightly and quietly muttered "I'm sorry" before getting up and walking out the door.

I've spent most of the last day or so in tears.  My heart is truly broken.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Transformation

I haven't posted in a few days since there was a long period of inactivity from Gamble's computer... or at least any suspicious activity.  In the meantime though, we did periodic spot-checking on his computer and on the RAMJAC network, trying to keep an eye out for any kind of evidence.  We found nothing.

This morning though, there was a hit and it was a BIG one.  Josh got a notification from one of his triggers about a change in configuration and of new files.  We jumped right on it and got access to Gamble's computer.  There was a new drive showing up that hadn't been there before.  Given it's size and the naming on it, it was likely a portable USB thumb drive that he'd inserted into his computer.  Since there were a number of files on the drive, Josh quickly made a copy of everything on there so we could inventory it at our leisure without having to worry that Gamble might disconnect it.

Then we started to pore over the contents.  Most of it was normal work-related things (reports, documents, etc.) and some were personal items, but nothing important or interesting.  We then found one folder that was labelled by letters and numbers (maybe a code of some kind) which contained seven large MP4 video files.  After a quick virus scan, we played the oldest video.  As soon as I saw the first frame, I gasped in astonishment as I recognized it.  It was my bedroom in my house!  Judging by the angle of the camera, it was taken from my desk.  I immediately knew that the spyware on my computer had been doing more than just capturing screenshots and keystrokes -- it was using the onboard webcam on my laptop to film my bedroom!

The movie was actually a series of still shots taken every two minutes (there was a time stamp at the bottom of the screen to show progress) strung together into a time-lapse movie.  The starting date was about a week before my actual transformation.

Josh and I watched the video from the beginning.  The further we got into it, the more a chill moved through me.  At the beginning of the video, I was still male and moved in and out of the room periodically.  Most of the time though, I was just in my bed.  Even at that point, I could see when I was in view of the camera that I was losing the resemblance to my old male self.  I was drastically smaller and thinner than normal and looked like I was on death's door.  Since I was feeling so terrible at the time, I obviously wasn't paying attention to what was going on with me physically.  But looking at the video, I could definitely notice that my chest was expanding slightly, even though the rest of me was shrinking.  Also my hair was noticeably longer than I'd normally kept it.

After a few days passed in the video, I took to my bed, which I remembered doing.  About three days passed after that without me leaving it.  Even though I was in bed, the angle of the camera from my desk gave a very good view of me.

Josh and I watched the whole thing.  From my changing positions, I must have been tossing and turning the whole time.  I couldn't say a word the entire time we were watching it.  It was intensely unsettling but fascinating at the same time.  At first, my facial features and body grew more sunken and emaciated, as if I had some withering disease.  If I were an outsider and didn't know any better, I'd say it was a video of a man slowly dying.  But it wasn't just that I was degenerating.  My body looked misshapen too.  Obviously now, it makes sense as to why. However in the video, the proportions of my body seemed to change and distort over that time.  It was subtle but you could notice it in the time-lapse video. Parts of my body were shrinking at different rates -- arms, legs, torso -- all changing independently.  I looked horrifying and freakish, body parts all out of proportion with each other.

Then at one point, my deterioration slowed down and stopped.  From then on, my body began to fill out again, becoming rounder and fuller.  My proportions evened out so that everything matched properly.  My hips and chest expanded.  My facial features softened and changed.  And my hair rapidly grew out.

By the time that I finally came to three days later, I had fully transformed into a woman.  The stills even captured the moment that I woke up and started to realize what had happened to me.  From still photos, it's tough to get a real understanding of how disturbed I was at that time.  However the look of torment on my face in the shots of me after waking tell the story.

I couldn't watch any more of the video at that point.  I shut it off and began to cry.  I was so overcome with the reality of it and from remembering all of the emotions I went through at the time.

It took me a few hours to recover to the point that I could start watching again.  Working through them, I realized that each of the videos comprised an entire week's worth of time.  They ended completely at the time that I found the spyware and reformatted my computer.  After initially seeing the transformation, I watched the rest of the videos in private without Josh. I knew that there was likely things captured on there that I didn't want anyone else seeing.  I skimmed through all of the videos and was right about not wanting anyone else seeing them.  There were times when I was naked and it even captured those times that I had masturbated.

Those bastards at RAMJAC saw it all!!  It's bad enough that they're trying to cover up their mistake -- a mistake that has already so drastically affected my entire life -- but they've completely invaded my privacy to keep tabs on me too.

I need to turn this around on them somehow.  This has to end and they need to account for their negligence and malevolence.